What I Got 2 Say

Color By Number

2011-12-28T21:41:00.000-06:00

Chapter 6 has released their sixth album! I expected to buy it myself, but I got it for Christmas. It's almost three years since I reviewed their last album, which I said was "more adult, mature" than their previous albums. (Which I have not reviewed.)

Like With the Windows Down, Color By Number is in a digipak but this time, there is a picture of the group on the front. It unfolds to the group logo, as well as other photos of the band running along the liner notes (lyrics are included only for the original songs). And I gotta remark, for an album entitled Color By Number, it's not a very colorful cover. Ah, well. Let's look at the tracks now.

"Intro" - The band warms up and sings the word "Intro." And it sets the tone for the album. We're not going to be quite as mature as the last album.
"Rainbow Connection" - A.D. Stonecipher leads the band in an energetic, jazzy rendition of the song made famous by Kermit the Frog. I liked it, and if fact, found myself listening to it again shortly after my listen.
"Reverb" - A.D. leads the band again in a parody of the song "Fever." I saw a live performance of it five years ago. They mentioned it was inspired by a visit to a concert where they felt poor vocals were masked by synthesized echoes. So, the song parodies that by using a lot of reverb on the vocals, and in one part, A.D. is literally singing with himself, or rather, his echo. It's a humorous song that is quite wonderful.
"Harold's House of Jazz" - I believe John Musick leads this cover, which is jazzy and energetic.
"Interlude I, I Dream of Jeannie" - The famous I Dream of Jeannie theme song extended by the melody from the show. (Yes, I did watch the entire series again earlier this year.) Done with human voices only. Kind of random!
"Penny Lane" - A charming and well done Beatles cover! I think Luke Menard leads.
"Pure Imagination" - Chuck Bosworth leads the band in a whimsical, whistling take on the popular song from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Their take makes me think of how easy it is to lose your imaginative outlook on life when you become an adult and how precious it is if you can retain it.
"James Bond Meets The Sugar Plum Fairy" - The band vocally harmonizes the James Bond theme along with "The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" from Tchaikovsky's score of The Nutcracker ballet. Does it work... Yes. Weird!
"Interlude II, I'm Looking It Up Online" - This is a quick little original song about how easy it is to look for information online, comparing it to finding someone to ask your question to and mailing a letter to them. Internet, here is your Chapter 6 tribute.
"Let's Stay Together" - A cover of the Al Green song, a solemn harmonic take with all members singing at once.
"Left Handers Unite!" - I do believe this is Mark Grizzard singing an original song about people who are left-handed. It's actually pretty catchy...
"Interlude III, Invention" - Another Grizzard original, this is a lyric-less piece that's beautiful in it's own peaceful way.
"Fairest Lord Jesus" - The only Christian track on the album, an energetic yet reverent take on the hymn.
"Rhapsody in Blue" - The Gershwin melody seems to be possibly too big for just the guys' vocal chords and they are assisted by a piano. It works well!

Overall, a great album, and a nice return to the form that was seen in Swing Shift, Chapter 6 Live, and A Cappella 101. (Not that With the Windows Down was bad, it was just different. See above linked review.) Here's hoping for another album eventually.

The Adventures of Tintin - Review

2011-12-28T00:40:00.001-06:00

There once was a Belgian man named Georges Prosper Remi who, under the pen name of Hergé, wrote and drew comic adventures of a boy reporter named Tintin and his dog Snowy. The series ran for many years and was collected into graphic novel-style "albums." (The actual "graphic novel" idea didn't come around until years later, so these were the forerunners of it.) These albums have since been translated into many languages around the world and sold well.

Over the years, Tintin was adapted for film as a stop-motion animated film, two live action films, two different animated television shows, and some animated films.

In the early 1980s, Steven Spielberg was given the blessing to make a Tintin film by Hergé himself. Now, almost 30 years later, the film has finally arrived.

The Adventures of Tintin is animated with motion capture. The characters are CG, looking like actual people, but with exaggerated features based on their original comic appearances.

The story is based on three of Hergé's albums: The Crab With The Golden Claws, The Secret of the Unicorn, and Red Rackham's Treasure. The first draft of the script was by current Doctor Who showrunner Steven Moffat, and it was later revised by Edgar Wright and Joe Cornish. (Moffat dropped out because he was offered Who.)

The music is by John Williams, and while it helps the film flow well, the score isn't very memorable.

The story finds Tintin buying a model ship in an open-air market. It's based on the ship The Unicorn, and Tintin is surprised when two men offer to buy it from him. Taking it home, his dog, Snowy, and a wandering cat accidentally damage the ship.

Tintin goes to research The Unicorn and discovers it was a cargo ship captained by a Sir Francis Haddock, and it was said to have had a secret cargo. It was boarded by pirates and sunk one night, the only survivor being Sir Francis.

Tintin returns home to find his ship missing. He goes after one of the men who tried to buy it from him, and finds a model of The Unicorn in Mr. Sakharine's possession, but it's not broken. Returning home again, Tintin's home has been ransacked. He goes downstairs where the other man who tried to buy the ship tries to warn him about something but is shot before he can do anything.

Enter detectives Thompson and Thomson, who look almost identical (Thompson has a flared moustache). The bumbling detectives are on the case of a pickpocket who manages to steal Tintin's wallet which contains a scroll that fell out of The Unicorn model when it broke and was unnoticed by the thieves. Going back home, Tintin is suddenly kidnapped and taken aboard The Karaboudjan, a ship Sakharine has chartered to go to the port of Bagghar in Morocco.

Escaping his prison (with help from stowaway Snowy), Tintin meets the drunk captain, Archibald Haddock. He reveals he is the last of the Haddock line, descended from Sir Francis, who he knows he doesn't live up to.

Now, all Tintin, Snowy, and Captain Haddock have to do is figure out what Sakharine's scheme is, foil it, and maybe recover the reputation of the Haddocks. And what is the secret of The Unicorn?

The plot is action-filled, and definitely deserves the word Adventures in the title. It's quite an exhilarating film from start to finish. There may, however, be too much action in the film. I can see this criticism. Suddenly, Tintin's life is in danger because he purchased a model ship. It is a bit of a stretch, even if you're familiar with the source material. And when it feels like the film is going to give you a break, we're suddenly given the story of Sir Francis and the last night on The Unicorn. The action isn't necessarily bad, but a solid break or two from it would have been nice. Hergé's original stories are not that action filled and are full of many silly outcomes from it, some of which are retained in the film.

The plot is a loose adaptation. The opening is from The Secret of the Unicorn, and then it goes to The Crab With The Golden Claws, and at the end, there's a touch of Red Rackham's Treasure. There's also some original plot points not from Hergé's work at all. The plot tells a nice story, but some may wonder just how strong it is. Moffat himself has proved himself to be a master storyteller on Doctor Who, but as his draft was just the first, I begin to suspect Cornish and Wright of tampering a bit too much. Perhaps it would have been better if Spielberg, Second Unit Director Peter Jackson, and maybe Jackson's wife Fran Walsh had finished the script themselves. (They were two of the writers for The Lord of the Rings film trilogy, come on!)

One of the best developments in the plot is Captain Haddock's character. He begins as an oafish, layabout drunk who tells himself he'll never amount to anything, but Tintin's influence helps him actually get back on his feet and get his life back on track.

The characterizations were all spot-on, considering the film is aimed at today's audience (the original Tintin stories began in 1929, times have changed). The only one not like his character from Hergé's comics is the villainous Mr. Sakharine. In the original stories, Mr. Sakharine was a ship collector who already had one of The Unicorn models. Later, Tintin and Captain Haddock find him knocked unconscious and his model of The Unicorn broken, and that's all there is to him. The Bird brothers were the villains there, but here, I suppose, they felt a single villain would be better to handle, and instead of using two, they just wholly reinvented a relatively minor character. Bianca Castafiore, it should also be noted, does not sing her signature song from the comics, but considering the plot, it is possible she was asked to sing a different piece.

The animation, I have seen people complain about. I didn't spot anything really inconsistent or unnatural as some people have complained of. People have also complained about the "uncanny valley," in which a character looks so human that their imperfections make them creepy. This is mostly noted in the eyes which don't light up correctly, or the pupils fail to dilate. To me, because the characters were still stylized (the noses), it didn't bother me. In fact, I want a Tintin action figure. However, this form of animation has yet to master completely realistic eyes.

The film was also released in 3D, which I saw it in. The 3D doesn't pop out of the screen, meaning it's not distracting, and adds a nice layer of depth to the film. However, I felt like I still could have enjoyed the film just as well in 2D. I would have done so, but there were fewer showings of the 2D version.

So, The Adventures of Tintin is a great film that brings Hergé's beloved characters to life. The film is worth seeing, though it is not absolutely perfect. Next time, don't get comedians to finish the script, pace it a bit better, and work some more on getting the animation right. And as a sequel has been greenlit already, we might very well hope that they improve in those areas.

Top 5 Nutcrackers

2011-12-20T02:10:00.034-06:00

E.T.A. Hoffman

Top 5 best adaptations of The Nutcracker story
These adaptations are, I feel, the most entertaining versions that also show great respect for the themes of the original story.

Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky

1. The Nutcracker Prince
Not only did this version stay faithful to Hoffman's story, it also deftly used Tchaikovsky's music to great effect, as well as not being so in love with the story to make a few changes for a contemporary audience.
2. The Nutcracker (Jetlag)
Although this version adheres to Hoffman's story, it is well-produced for its budget and moves along at a quick pace.

Alexandre Dumas

3. Щелкунчик (1973)
Though it's a re-imagined plot, the dreamy quality of Hoffman is carried over wonderfully, as well as the essence of the story. Also, it manages to not use dialogue, meaning that people of any language can understand it.

Victor Marius Alphonse Petipa

4. Nutcracker Fantasy
A highly re-imagined plot managed to still feature the important themes of Hoffman's story. The production quality is excellent and the music is incredible.
5. Le Fiabe più Belle. — Lo Schiaccianoci
Another anime that adheres to the book at a fast pace. It ranks this low only because there's no English version.

Ivan Alexandrovich Vsevolozhsky

Top 5 worst adaptations
These adaptations, I feel, completely blew it. Some may be entertaining on their own, but as a representation of the original story, I feel they failed miserably.

1. The Nutcracker in 3D/The Untold Story
Hoffman is not even acknowledged in this gloomy, saccharine CG-filled mess.
2. The Nuttiest Nutcracker
A re-imagined plot causes more questions than answers. The characters are too silly. A few songs brighten up this pitiful adaptation.
3. Barbie in the Nutcracker
Another re-imagined plot leaves critical logic questions unanswered. Hoffman's dreamy story becomes a "save the kingdom!" tale with a contrived reveal of Clara's magic powers at the end.
4. Щелкунчик (2004)
In the English version, too many jokes ruin the tone of this film. The re-animated portions mar otherwise beautiful animation. The plot carries too few of Hoffman's themes.
5. The Secret of the Nutcracker
Touches from the story of the Nutcracker enter a story about a family missing their father in WWII, a compelling enough tale on its own. The fantasy elements feel like they're stretching out what could have been a really good non-fantasy tale.

And as we finish, let's remember who was responsible for The Nutcracker becoming the classic it is. Ernst Theodor Amadeus Hoffmann wrote the original story, and then Alexandre Dumas père rewrote it in French. Ivan Alexandrovich Vsevolozhsky commissioned Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky to compose an opera and ballet double bill, and it was Victor Marius Alphonse Petipa who chose The Nutcracker story to become a ballet, doing the original choreography. Five people, many of whom are often forgotten, who created a Christmas classic.

The Nutcracker and Me

2011-12-19T02:26:00.004-06:00

As you can guess, the story of Hoffman's Nutcracker is very dear to me. I forget how I was introduced to the story as a child. Maybe I loved the music of Tchaikovsky, or maybe I'd seen a production on television. Maybe someone had read me the story or I'd learned it at school.

My earliest memory was when I was given the Ralph Manheim translation of Hoffman's story and a red wooden Nutcracker for a gift one Christmas. I still have the book somewhere, but I own a paperback edition of it as well now. My original hardcover has little notes and sketches in it. The nutcracker is now long gone after heavy use. Wooden nutcrackers are only decorative these days. However, I now have this little guy:

I've posted the past 18 days about various versions of the story, some I enjoy more than others. I largely opted to ignore variants of the ballet as single blogs. As I mentioned, I did see a live production of the ballet. I can't remember too much about it, except that Fritz "broke" the Nutcracker by throwing it on the floor and standing over it, clenching his fists. The Nutcracker Prince started looking uncomfortable during the coffee dance, left, then appeared as one of the Peppermint dancers, left, and accompanied Mother Ginger as she did her dance.

Something was up with that prince...

I drew lots of Nutcracker pictures, even did a plastic canvas craft, so yes, I loved the story a lot. I even had a Nutcracker cloth design on a shirt, and when I grew out of it, I had my mom apply it to another Nutcracker shirt I had with a cast list for a local production on the back. That shirt vanished years ago.

I would often get annoyed by people pointing out people dressed as toy soldiers to me and saying "It's a Nutcracker!" No, it wasn't. It was a toy soldier. Big difference.

As I got older, I began to restrict my enjoyment of The Nutcracker to Christmastime. Then, I gave it up altogether. I didn't make a point to discard anything and everything I had related to it, I just didn't think of it so much. After my father presented me with the aforementioned paperback of Manheim's translation for Christmas 2008, I decided I'd read it again next year. Well, when I did, I'd also dug up some old picture books I had (Warren Chappell and another more modern one), and re-read those as well. At Christmas 2010, I'd gotten a recording of Tchaikovsky's score from eMusic with a free trial, and also decided I'd check out what visual adaptations I could. And goodness, there were many. I even wound up finding some after Christmas.

So, this year, remembering The Nutcracker a bit earlier, I decided I'd write these blogs. Sadly, unless I got an offer to work on some adaptation of the story, I don't see myself doing much more for The Nutcracker in future years, aside from continuing to enjoy and attempt to share Hoffman's story.

However, ballet companies still create their Nutcrackers year after year, and every now and then, some studio decides to make some sort of film interpretation of the story. It was rumored a couple years back that Bob Zemeckis is attempting a CG-animated version.

Maybe someday, someone will do a live action-CGI adaptation that will do full justice to the Hoffman story.

Merry Christmas!

BBC Radio's The Nutcracker and The Mouse King

2011-12-18T02:03:00.003-06:00

BBC Radio has been widely recognized as one of the best producers of audio dramas. High quality productions with superb acting, sound effects and music.

So, imagine them taking on The Nutcracker. And Brian Sibley writing to boot! The guy who'd adapted The Chronicles of Narnia and The Lord of the Rings for them!

So, the adaptation was broken up into four episodes airing from December 27 to the 30th, 2010. The episodes were titled "Christmas Eve," "The Great Battle," "Mouseykins' Revenge," and "Uncle and Nephew."

And how does it stick to the book? Quite faithfully. Next to nothing is omitted. However, there are a couple odd points. First off is that the Nutcracker himself speaks and makes remarks. It's through him that we get a description of Drosselmeyer. This kind of ruins the mystery that the Nutcracker is an enchanted person. He has a sarcastic, droll sense of humor. The other odd bits are the name changes. Marie and Fritz have become Mary and Fred. I suppose they Anglicized it for a British audience. Madame Mouserinks is renamed Madame Mouseykins. Instead of fat in Pirlipat's mother's sausages, it is described as bacon as some translations have it.

The major problem I had was the pacing. The story plays at a gentle pace until after the story of Pirlipat ends in Part 4. It started in Part 2 (ending with Mouseykins and her mice enjoying the bacon), goes through Part 3 (ending with clockmaker Drosselmeyer overhearing his nephew cracking nuts) and ended in Part 4. Then, the rest of the entire story is crammed into the remaining time in the half hour episode. It seems to me that Pirlipat's story should have been told at a quicker pace and the rest of the story should have had at least an entire half hour to play out. Still, it doesn't miss any beats.

A worthy entry in Hoffman's Nutcracker adapted for audio, however, it hasn't been released commercially in any form: CD or digital audio download. (How did I hear it? My little secret.)

The Nutcracker in 3D/The Untold Story

2011-12-17T02:52:00.004-06:00

I really hope director Andrei Konchalovsky wasn't serious when he said his take on The Nutcracker had been his dream project for 20 years. At a $90 million budget, it was a severe failure when it only took in less than $15 million, most of that not from U.S. sales. It was filmed in 2007, set for release in 2009, then held back another year while they converted it into 3D. Critics gave it severely negative criticism.

So, what could it be that made this movie flop? Could it be the inept acting from the child actors? The wretched songs lifted from Tchaikovsky's score for the ballet? Maybe Nathan Lane's character repeatedly breaking the fourth wall? What about the plot?

In 1920s Vienna, Uncle Albert (Einstein, oh brother...) visits his niece and nephew Mary and Max. He presents them with a dollhouse full of clockwork dolls, and a Nutcracker he calls "NC for short." (I just have to wonder at who would find the word "nutcracker" to be a mouthful.) NC is turned over to Mary, but as they leave for dinner, Max attempts to cram NC's mouth full of walnuts, breaking his lower jaw off. Uncle Albert repairs NC, but that night, NC comes to life and takes Mary downstairs where she finds the room has become immense: the Christmas tree towers to the stars!

The dolls in the dollhouse are now alive, and as they climb the Christmas tree, Mary finds the Snow Fairy (played by the same actress as her mother), who manages to turn NC back into a prince (after Mary has a plot-stopping dance with the snowflakes). But the Rat King who plans to enslave the human world is aware of what happened and has his mother renew her curse on the prince. (I have to mention that the Rat Queen is played by the same woman who plays Mary's family's housekeeper. Please, stop cribbing from MGM's Wizard of Oz when you write your fantasies...) The rat king has mechanical dogs bite into the base of the Christmas tree, knocking it over.

When Mary's parents return home from a concert, they find their tree (now normal sized) knocked over. The father blames the children quite angrily, even though Max is seen looking at the tree's base which has obviously been cut into. Mary refuses to hand over the Nutcracker and goes upstairs. Meanwhile, a visit from Uncle Albert helps soothe Mary's father.

That night, Mary and NC are joined by Max in their campaign against the Rat King, who quickly imprisons NC and the clockwork people from the doll house. After taking Max with him, a doll who managed to escape the Rat King takes Mary through a mirror to NC's world, where the Rat King has been having children's toys burnt to block out the sun. ("Who Shot Mr. Burns?" anyone?) Max refuses to help the Rat King, who thought he enjoyed breaking toys, because Max doesn't believe in breaking other people's toys.

Mary escapes into the place where they bulldoze all the toys before they are thrown into a furnace. She finds the Clockwork Dolls and a broken and lifeless NC. While the Dolls distract the guards (with a terrible song set to the March theme), Mary saves NC from the conveyor belt that would have taken him to the fire. She manages to revive him with a tear (yay, another fantasy cliche), which also restores him to his Prince form permanently. This causes a revolt in the slave workers, who quickly beat up the rats.

The Rat Queen suggests flight this time and thinks her son is abandoning her when Max offers to fly the flying machine for her. Which he can't do. The Rat King takes Mary to the flying machine and attempts to knock the Prince off a building, but it results in him and one of the Clockwork dolls getting onboard the machine as well. While these two help overpower the Rat King, Max crashes the flying machine, which he didn't want to do.

Seeing they are defeated, the Rat Queen and King turn into regular rats (they were humans with ratlike faces) and escape into the sewers. While the people rejoice, Mary is told she must go back home by the Snow Fairy. The Prince promises her she'll see him soon.

When she awakes in her own bed, Mary is told she has a visitor. Uncle Albert introduces him as his new neighbor, Nicholas Charles. The two go ice skating together.

The problem with this Nutcracker is that it tries to be a fantasy action movie being way too gloomy and sometimes scary for children to enjoy. Okay, I take back "scary." A kid might get shocked at the Rat King suddenly having a wide mouth and fangs or one of the Clockwork doll's heads removed and tossed around, but that's about it. Really, the plot makes no sense. A bunch of Nazi-looking rat people who are never seen physically hurting any regular people try to take over the human world? I suppose this dream world has never heard of poison. So, that's it. It's too somber for children, too silly for adults.

As an adaptation of the Nutcracker story, it fails. The trailer credits only Tchaikovsky as the creator of the Nutcracker story, a very inaccurate statement indeed. He wrote the music for the ballet, not the libretto or the choreography. No other credit to the creator of the original work was seen in the credits of the film. So, not only does this film only have the barest, slightest resemblance to Hoffman's original story, it doesn't even acknowledge him. As a result, I almost wish I could have excluded it from my reviews. However, it would be a wasted effort after trying to hunt it down for almost a year.

"Based on the story by Tchaikovsky" my foot. Hoffman wrote the original book, Dumas rewrote it in French, Marius Pepita adapted Dumas for the story for the ballet, and had Tchaikovsky write the music. Crediting Tchaikovsky for the Nutcracker story is like saying Judy Garland is responsible for The Wizard of Oz.

It's really a shame because $90 million could really have done Hoffman's story justice. Unfortunately, the creative talent (both words used loosely) behind this film didn't even know who he was.

The Secret of the Nutcracker

2011-12-16T02:36:00.001-06:00

The Secret of the Nutcracker was an odd one. I could find next to nothing about it, only that it was made in Canada for a 2007 release. Stateside, it was only released on DVD and Blu-Ray. Wikipedia has no pages about it, only scant mentions. There's no reviews on Amazon, however, a product description gives us some information:

Adapted from E.T.A. Hoffman's classic novel, The Secret of the Nutcracker features the talents of Brian Cox (The Escapist, The Water Horse) as Drosselmeyer and introduces Janelle Jorde as Clara in a charming union of fantasy and reality that captures the true essence of Christmas.
This delightful holiday tale follows 12-year-old Clara's mystical journey on Christmas Eve to find her father, who is captive in a World War II Prisoner of War camp. Worried and longing to see her father, she receives unexpected help from the mysterious Drosselmeyer, who befriends Clara and brings her the gift of magic and hope when she needs it most.
The Secret of the Nutcracker features the soaring music of Tchaikovsky performed by the Calgary Philharmonic Orchestra. Four exquisite dance spectacles by the world-renowned Alberta Ballet are woven throughout to create Clara's wondrous dream world.

Okay... Let's give this a shot.

Yes, the movie follows a young girl named Clara who lives in a cabin in Alberta, Canada with her two brothers and her mother. As stated in the product description, her father is in a POW camp. ... In Germany.

Wrap your head around that. The Nutcracker originated in Germany. And now we go to a place and time when Germany is seen as an enemy. Odd.

Every day, Clara goes to the post office hoping for a letter from her father. One arrives while she was out getting some candy for her brothers at her mother's request. Clara hurries home and meets a strange old German man who calls himself Uncle Dross. He visits their home for dinner and gives the children presents and says many strange things that either comfort or mystify Clara's family.

That night, Clara seems to dream she's out in the woods and attacked my mice men. A boy resembling the boy at the Post Office and the Nutcracker Dross gave her leads her brothers and mother to fight the mice men. Clara defeats them by hurling a crystal doll (once again provided by Dross, who said it was Clara, so I suppose it represents her courage?) at the leader of the mice men, who is crystallized and shatters.

Dross arrives and he and Clara fly in a war plane to Germany, where they find Clara's father's POW camp and take him to a hall where Clara dances with the Nutcracker boy. Her father sits out and says it's not his dream. Dross tells him how brave his family has had to be for each other in his absence. Clara's father is even shown a miniature of the cabin, where observes his family asleep. As the dream ends, he is taken by the Germans.

Clara and her family begin to note a lack of letters from their father. Clara goes to an abandoned house, where she sees the Nutcracker boy point out a window. She goes to the place where he points. There, she sees someone walking towards her. It appears to be her father. But she's not sure, she's seen so many dreamy things lately. It takes awhile for her to realize it IS him and her family runs out and they are all reunited.

And while her father hugs Clara's mother and her brothers, she sees Dross and the Nutcracker boy behind a tree. Dross has the boy move out. He walks towards Clara, unfurls two large red wings that enclose him, turning him into a regular boy. Clara hugs him. Dross turns into an owl.

While the story bears little resemblance to the original Hoffman story, it's actually a good one. However, the story of Clara's family longing to be reunited with their father is made so compelling that when touches from The Nutcracker appear (in score and in dance scenes), they feel out of place. That's really the big weakness of the production. It's not really Nutcracker-y enough.

So, not bad, just really different. If you're interested, go ahead and give it a shot.

Щелкунчик (2004)

2011-12-15T02:45:00.004-06:00

So, 2003 brought us another Russian animated adaptation of The Nutcracker, and the next year, it saw an English dub.

However, this "dub" did more than change the vocals. Scenes were cut and new ones added to accommodate what they thought would appeal to American kids. Unfortunately, given these were mainly jokes about modern day things rather than early 19th century Germany, the jokes are distracting. "I'll make you an offer you can't refuse!" says the Mouse King. "Like a mail-in rebate, or buy one, get one free!"

The adaptation is very loose, to say the least! The Mouse King (English voice: Leslie Nielsen) and two mice are stowing along on magician Drosselmeyer's wagon. As it reaches a town, it transforms into an elegant toy store.

Clara and her little brother Nicholas spot the store and visit, where Drosselmeyer tells them the story of a selfish young prince who was given a magic nut. He accidentally used to wish everything in the castle were toys, turning everyone into toys, and himself into a Nutcracker. The Mouse King, aided by his aunt's evil shadow, has been wanting the kingdom for his own and wanted to use the magic nut to take over the world with mice.

Clara asks if anything can be done, and Drosselmeyer says another magic nut can be procured from the land of Dreams which is only opened once a year on Christmas Day and the prince can only be assisted by a dreamer with a true heart. She takes the Nutcracker with her, and Drosselmeyer sends the toy servants after him to assist as they can.

The mice go to Clara's house, where, when Marie goes downstairs late at night to promise the Nutcracker her help, Drosselmeyer's mechanical bird arrives and brings all the toys to life. The Mouse King's aunt unleashes her knitted army of mice and they attack. The toys mainly putter around, the Nutcracker refusing to fight, until Marie's parents enter. The mice vanish, the Mouse King and his two assistants carrying away the Nutcracker. Clara is sent back to bed.

However, when Clara sees the Nutcracker being dragged away, she and the toys head off after him. The Mouse King sets termites loose on the Nutcracker, but a crow (Drosselmeyer's mechanical bird in disguise) eats them. They try to scare him with shadows, then fire, but accidentally set the little place on fire. (Whatever it is. It looks like they're in a graveyard.) Clara manages to save the Nutcracker and hurries to Drosselmeyer's shop.

Drosselmeyer says that he thinks Clara is the "true heart," and shows the Nutcracker the broken toys that used to be the Prince's servants. The Nutcracker thanks them, and his thanks magically fixes them. Drosselmeyer then tells Clara she must go to the Land of Dreams to get another magic nut but the way will close at midnight (which is in twenty minutes). Clara and the Nutcracker are transported through a mirror back to Clara's home, but she's now the size of the Nutcracker.

The Mouse King is waiting with his army, but Drosselmeyer supplies him with his own army. They fire food at the mice, which the mice gobble up, making them too fat to fight. Clara and the Nutcracker climb the cabinet to a glowing spot at the top, followed by the Mouse King. They reach the top and find a portal to the Land of Dreams, but when they reach the Nut, the Mouse King is there first. The Nutcracker and Mouse King fight while Clara (with help from the mechanical bird) dispatches the evil shadow who's been helping the Mouse King all along the way.

The Magic Nut is knocked down during the fight and the Nutcracker gets it, but the Mouse King holds Clara over the side of the building. The Nutcracker throws the Nut at the Mouse King, then leaps down to save Clara who was dropped anyway. Clara and the Nutcracker manage to grab a string and save themselves while the Mouse King wishes to be king of all the toys. He accidentally swallows the Nut whole and falls and hangs from a Christmas tree, where he turns into a Nutcracker ornament.

Clara finds herself in her living room, with the Nutcracker nowhere. Her mother takes her to the Christmas ball.

Drosselmeyer finds the Nutcracker on the street and assures him they can try again next year. But the Nutcracker wants Clara. Drosselmeyer tells him that this revelation was what was needed to restore him. In the English version, Drosselmeyer sends him onto the dance floor at the Christmas Ball, where he slowly turns back into a Prince, Clara's touch offering the finish. In the Russian, this happens behind a mirror, which Clara pulls him out of. The Prince's servants are also restored to humans. Clara and the Prince dance, and find the Mouse King as an ornament on the tree. When Clara touches him, he bites her, and she drops him, and the two mice assistants carry him away. (They joke that the story could be made into a book or a ballet.)

Drosselmeyer's shop turns back into a carriage, and he rides away, Clara and the Prince making their farewells, while the two mice assistants wonder if the Mouse King might find someone to befriend him someday.

Overall, I felt the story bore extremely little resemblance to Hoffman's story. Clara doesn't get to do anything really brave or do any sacrifice to prove her love, and the Nutcracker is no longer brave and dashing, just a kid. Also, the whole thing with him being a Prince feels unresolved: where's his kingdom? And making the Mouse King funny makes him sad: he just wanted a better way of living. Unlike his aunt, he didn't even want to take over the whole world.

This is even worse in the English version where too many jokes ruined any suspense. The jokes are corny, dull, and happen way too often. The re-done animation also stands out, making the look uneven, and I don't usually have an eye for that.

The music uses none of Tchaikovsky's score. Also, in the Russian version, the girl is named "Masha," which is their form of the name "Marie." However, in the English dub, she has the name Clara, which seems to be more familiar to American audiences.

Overall, with a few more touches from Hoffman and a better English language script, this could have been an interesting Nutcracker, but in the end, it doesn't feel special at all.

You can watch the Russian version below.

Barbie in the Nutcracker

2011-12-14T02:36:00.012-06:00

Two years after The Nuttiest Nutcracker, another CG Nutcracker came out: Barbie in the Nutcracker. This would be the fashion doll's first movie. It was also a loose adaptation.

Barbie's little sister Kelly is having trouble learning ballet and tells her sister about her stage fright. Barbie encourages her to keep at it and be brave, "Like Clara." Barbie then tells about Clara and her little brother Tommy, orphaned children who live with their grandfather Drosselmeyer. Their aunt Elizabeth visits early and after regaling Clara of her globetrotting, gives her a nutcracker soldier. Tommy tries to take it from her, but breaks its arm. After calling him "impossible," Clara falls asleep on the sofa.

That night, the owl on the clock and the toys come to life as the Mice, led by the Mouse King (one head, voiced menacingly by Tim Curry) scurry in. Clara tries to drop a vase on him, but he shrinks her to mouse-size with his wand. However, Clara manages to knock him out by throwing an ornament at him from the Christmas tree.

The Nutcracker says he must get back to his home land of Parthenia. He reveals the Mouse King turned him into a nutcracker and then the owl on the clock tells them they must find the Sugar Plum Princess, as only she can undo the Mouse King's magic. The owl gives Clara a locket that will take her back home.

Going through the mouse hole, they find Parthenia, and soon a gingerbread village that was destroyed by the Mouse King's troops. Finding a couple of children left, Clara and the Nutcracker journey on with them, until they are put on the run by more troops. They are rescued by the tree dwelling people of Parthenia. Supposedly, this is the only safe place. Captain Candy and the indignant Major Mint decide to help Clara and the Nutcracker see the Sugar Plum Princess.

Clara hears the story of Prince Eric of Parthenia. He was going to be king, but wasn't responsible enough to be king yet. So his father made the Mouse King regent until Eric learned to be responsible. But the Mouse King liked the power and Eric disappeared. Of course, Clara puts two and two together and sees that Eric is the Nutcracker, which he privately confirms.

Meanwhile, the Mouse King has been having his bat Pimm spy on the heroes and bring reports. When he hears of the Sugar Plum Princess, he looks for any mention of her. He can only find a brief description and sends a stone giant after our heroes.

Reaching the sea of storms, the heroes manage to defeat the stone giant and freeze the water, allowing them to cross to an island where the Nutcracker, Captain Candy and Major Mint are caught in a trap. Clara is helped by fairies back to the main land, where she manages to free the Nutcracker before he is thrown onto a bonfire.

The Nutcracker fights the Mouse King again and when the Mouse King is about to strike, Clara stops him. He's about to shrink Clara again, when the Nutcracker uses his sword to deflect it back at the Mouse King, shrinking him to the size of a normal mouse.

The Nutcracker is injured, but Clara kisses him, turning him back into Prince Eric. They realize that Clara is the Sugar Plum Princess and the Mouse King's evil magic is undone as everyone dances. Clara intends to stay until the Mouse King, riding Pimm, steals the locket and opens it, sending Clara home. (A child dispatches the mouse and bat with a snowball.) Eric tells her he loves her.

Back home, Clara awakes and can't find the Nutcracker. Aunt Elizabeth introduces a friend, a young man named Eric and he gives her a locket like the one the Mouse King took. We are shown a prince and princess dancing in a snowglobe.

Kelly, inspired by Clara's story, finally gets her dance moves right.

The music is used to good effect and the story is actually all right, but it suffers from plot holes, right off, why would the king, seemingly a human, give regency to a mouse over a trusted member of the court? How does Clara suddenly have magic powers? I mean, we saw some hints as flowers popped up in her footsteps as she walked through snow early in the film, but otherwise, it feels like it comes from nowhere.

The animation is all right, using motion capture for the ballet dancing, but the textures are too shiny. This looks just fine on the Nutcracker, since he's probably glossed as well as painted, but on human characters, it's wrong.

Overall, as a fan of the original Hoffman, changing Marie's sacrifices for Clara finding out she's a princess with magic powers just feels unsatisfying. It's telling you a stereotypical "save the kingdom" fantasy story instead of a really good story. After all, we saw this already in the Care Bears Nutcracker Suite.

Overall, feel free to give Barbie's Nutcracker a miss.

What makes this poor adaptation even worse to me is that about six years earlier, there was a faithful, if abbreviated, Barbie version of The Nutcracker. However, it was in comics.

In this issue, Barbie and her friends are going to do a charity performance of The Nutcracker but the stage gets ruined. Barbie saves the day by suggesting it be performed on ice. The story opens with Marie (played by Barbie) going downstairs to see her Nutcracker, but finds him and a toy soldiers battling mice. Marie ends the battle by throwing her shoe at the Mouse King and then goes to bed.

The next day, Marie's godfather visits and she tells him about the battle. He tells her about how a queen banished the mice from her kingdom, but the queen of mice threatened revenge by a curse on the princess. When the curse takes effect, the princess turns into a rat. A wise woman tells the queen that the Krakatuk Nut's kernel can break the curse, so the woman searches many years to find the nut and a young man to break it. When she finally returns successful, the princess is restored, but the young man turns into a nutcracker. The Mouse Queen arrives and says that the mice will destroy the Nutcracker.

Godfather suggests the Nutcracker needs a new sword, so Marie gives him a metal one. This allows him to defeat the Mouse King that night, allowing the Nutcracker to turn into a handsome prince. The narrator tells us they married.

Like I said, faithful, but abbreviated. Imagine how that would have been if turned into a CGI movie instead of this mess?

The Nuttiest Nutcracker

2011-12-13T02:07:00.000-06:00

I was reluctant to watch this one. I mean, seriously? A take on The Nutcracker featuring talking vegetables and nuts? But my dad bought me the DVD...

It's an early CGI movie, and was released direct to video. As such, you could guess the production quality didn't have much going for it. Things look too shiny (including human skin), many poses just don't look right, and the Mouse King's army is a bunch of clones of each other.

The story opens with a promise from a rotund Sugar Plum Fairy that this Nucracker has a "nutty little twist." A girl named Marie is concerned that her parents haven't come home yet on Christmas Eve, so her Uncle Drosselmeyer decides to cheer her and her brother Fritz up with gifts, Marie's being a Nutcracker "doll." After Fritz breaks it, she puts it away, inexplicably saying she liked him the best of all her gifts ever.

Meanwhile, a group of nuts explain that the Nutcracker was once a prince in love with Princess Pirlipat, who was cursed to look ugly by the Mouse Queen. However, he broke the nut that would break the curse, but the Mouse Queen turned him into a Nutcracker in her anger. ... Okay, sounds promising... Just with ... nuts as characters...

Why couldn't they have... uh... used ... say... toys instead of food? *Sigh.*

And now Reginald the Rat comes out of a hole in the wall. He's the Mouse King, son of the Mouse Queen in the Nutcracker origin. He wants to enslave the nuts to be slaves in his cheese mines (YES, TAKE THEM!) and steal the star from on top of the Christmas Tree to take over Christmas.

... Don't ask me how that works. A prerequisite to this is switching your brain off.

Marie has taken a nap (because, you know... *sigh*) and awakens to see vegetables, nuts, and the Nutcracker, now turned into a miniature prince, fighting Reginald and his army of cloned mice. She kicks Reginald (no shoe-fu for this girl) and when he gets attracted to her (SHADES OF BESTIALITY!), she climbs up the ladder against the Christmas tree and tries to throw the star at him.

Because that's SUCH a great defense plan...

But the star makes her shrink and...

...You know what? ... I just can't take it anymore. This just makes no darn sense at all. I'm just gonna breeze through the rest.

They have to get the star back on the tree (why they have to go to Candyland and not just, uh... CLIMB THE LADDER? is beyond me!), Marie gets kidnapped, gets rescued, they save Reginald from drowning in cheese, so he reforms, there's some really bad looking explosions (and by "bad", I mean BAD... how does cheese explode?) and the fat Sugar Plum Fairy tells Marie to believe and throw the star (not like a Ninja), she wakes up from her seemingly-narcotic inspired dream, and her parents are home, and Uncle Drosselmeyer has invited his nephew, who is you-know-who. And the Sugar Plum Fairy thinks she deserves some gratitude.

NO, SHE DOES NOT. HER SPARKLES MUST CONTAIN THE ILLEGAL SUBSTANCE THAT INSPIRED THIS.

To be honest, a couple songs were pretty good, but they couldn't save the movie. I'm of the opinion that if you're going to rework the heck out of a story, it should make some sort of sense, like that Russian animated version. This just leaves too many logic points wide open.

There's some big name stars in this, including Phyllis Diller as the Sugar Plum Fairy. She's only worth noting because she also voiced the Mouse Queen in The Nutcracker Prince. And now that I reminded you of a GOOD version, please write this one off your "must see" list.

Shari Lewis: Lamb Chop's Nutcracker Suite

2011-12-12T02:47:00.000-06:00

One of the great joys of childhood was Shari Lewis. She appealed to kids with good, wholesome, somewhat educational entertainment that was actually funny. I absolutely loved Lamb Chop's Play Along and was so sad when I heard she died in 1998.

Lamb Chop was a puppet of a ewe lamb who would often be Shari's foil. However, despite Lamp Chop's silliness, she was an endearing character and no matter how exasperated Shari could get at Lamb Chop, they'd always be friends.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered they'd made an audio cassette of The Nutcracker!

Well, the tape opens with a "ho ho ho," and Lamb Chop cheering, "It's Santa Claus!" But as it continues, it appears Shari has just had to bring Lamb Chop inside as the poor lamb has a cold. Sadly, this means they can't attend a performance of The Nutcracker ballet.

Lamb Chop is unfamiliar with ballet and The Nutcracker, so Shari explains how ballet can tell a story with dance and music, while she decides to tell the story of The Nutcracker herself.

Shari tells the standard story of the ballet, highlighted by songs with original lyrics based on Tchaikovsky's score. These songs work really well, actually. The overture becomes Mr. Stahlbaum's greeting of the guests. The playful march theme becomes a song for Fritz as he and other boys play soldiers. The mice are represented with the Coffee theme (Shari notes the change later), and a few selections of the later score are sung, one of the most humorous being the Chinese dance, which concludes with "Please, oh, please bring us Chinese!"

Shari's Nutcracker concludes with a dance between Clara and the Prince, and he asks her to marry him, but she must refuse as she is only six years old as Shari explains. (In Hoffman's original book, Marie had just turned seven, so Shari isn't too far off.) However, the memories of that night, Shari assures us, Clara will treasure forever.

The tape concludes with pieces of the famous score without lyrics this time.

Many parents have recommended Shari's tape (later re-released as CD) as a great way to introduce children to ballet and The Nutcracker story, and I suppose that's true. Lamb Chop's quips and remarks make this enjoyable for all ages as well. ("Do you know why parents take their children to see The Nutcracker?" "Freddy Kruger isn't in it?") However, copies of this one seem to go for high prices nowadays, so if you want to check it out, you might have to look hard for a good deal or prepare to spend a bit of money.

Jetlag's Nutcracker

2011-12-11T02:55:00.006-06:00

My paternal grandfather knew I liked the Nutcracker story. A few Christmases, he gave me Nutcracker gifts: the George Balanchine ballet on VHS (yeah, the movie with Macaulay Culkin), the Warren Chappell book, tickets for the Springfield Ballet production, and one year, an animated version on VHS.

I have since purchased that same animated version on DVD, and now will attempt to review it. The production was by Jetlag Studios, a low budget animation studio who would turn out animated movies usually based on public domain materials.

Their Nutcracker starts with a song being sung about a Season of Love and the Nutcracker who became a King and a Little Girl who became a Queen. Then it's to the Stahlbaum home where Marie and Fritz eagerly await to open their Christmas presents. Their parents play around and ask, "if it's time to open your presents, what are you doing in here?" They hurry in and enjoy their gifts, and soon, Drosselmeyer arrives to activate his clockwork castle, which Marie loves, but Fritz loses interest in quickly.

Drosselmeyer points out the Nutcracker on the tree to Marie. Her father demonstrates how to use it to crack nuts, and Drosselmeyer says it belongs to Marie. She decides to only crack small nuts, but Fritz crams the Nutcracker's mouth full of nuts and breaks off some of his teeth. He's unconcerned about what he did. Marie sits up with the Nutcracker, assuring him she loves him and Godfather Drosselmeyer will repair him. However, as the clock chimes, the owl on top of the clock comes to life and turns into Drosselmeyer himself. Mice begin swarming in, led by a seven-headed Mouse King (at last!), who calls for battle on Fritz's toy soldiers.

Drosselmeyer brings the Nutcracker to life and the little wooden fellow calls the soldiers to life. However, the Mouse King manages to shatter the Nutcracker's sword, but before he can give the death blow, Marie throws her shoe at the Mouse King, but hits her head on the toy cabinet and passes out.

Marie awakens in bed and Fritz and her mother don't believe her story about the battle. However, Drosselmeyer arrives with a repaired Nutcracker and proceeds to tell her "how the Nutcracker became the Nutcracker."

A king and a queen with their baby princess Pirlipat called clockmaker Drosselmeyer to rid the palace of mice, but Madame Mouserinks, queen of the mice, swears vengeance that she will deliver on Pirlipat. Despite their guard of maids and cats, Mouserinks gets through and curses the princess. Drosselmeyer and the court astronomer spend 15 years sailing the world searching for a Krakatook nut and a young man who has never shaved or worn boots. They finally find both with Drosselmeyer's cousin. (They left in the part where the cousin tells Drosselmeyer it was fifteen years ago that he got the nut. "LET ME AT HIM!" Drosselmeyer begs.) Drosselmeyer's nephew breaks the nut for Pirlipat, which restores her beauty, after the king agrees Pirlipat will marry the nephew. However, Madame Mouserinks arrives and turns him into a Nutcracker that falls over on her and kills her. With her dying breath, she swears revenge. Pirlipat refuses to marry the Nutcracker, and the king tells Drosselmeyer to leave.

Marie feels sure that her Nutcracker is Drosselmeyer's nephew. But that night, the Mouse King visits her and demands her Christmas candy or he'll chew the Nutcracker apart. She agrees, but her family doesn't believe her, except Drosselmeyer. The next night, he returns and demands more of her things, and she gives in. The next day she tells the Nutcracker she's afraid the Mouse King will take all her things until she has nothing left and he'll be destroyed. The Nutcracker comes to life and explains he needs a new sword. Fritz supplies one (saying "The day may come when I might need a favor, so here." "Thanks, Fritz! You're the best brother ever!" "I know.") and that night, the Nutcracker valiantly slays the Mouse King, giving Marie the seven crowns.

The Nutcracker then takes Marie through a coat sleeve to Christmas Wood, where they eat Sugar Plums that fly like shooting stars, and sail to Lake Rosa, where Marie sees a princess in the water. She thinks it's Pirlipat (and it is for a moment), but the Nutcracker has her look and see that it is her own reflection. Arriving at the Marzipan Castle, the Nutcracker is greeted by his weeping sisters and then he and Marie dance. A song follows about dancing through the night, but it climaxes with Marie waking up in her bed. Again, her parents don't believe her story, even when she shows them the crowns. However, she is declared well enough to leave her bed.

Marie tells the Nutcracker she still loves him, no matter what anyone says. And at that moment, Drosselmeyer enters with a young man who Marie identifies as his nephew, who later speaks with her in private. He reveals he was the Nutcracker, and invites her to rule with him in the Marzipan Castle, and they are transported immediately there.

"You are my love, my dream come true." — Marie

The production closes with a music video composed of clips of the short film with the song, "A Dream Come True."

Despite some of the voices and dialogue not sounding entirely authentic for Germany in the early 19th century, I'm still surprised at how well this production adapts Hoffman's story. Very little is excised, and the production runs at a quick pace, clocking in at under 45 minutes. The animation is passable, nothing Disney-worthy, but there aren't any quickly noticeable inconsistencies, either.

The production is also notable for not using Tchaikovsky's score. The familiar March theme is used in some pieces of music, but usually, it's original music.

It's easy to ignore this one for its low budget and cheap releases, but, while it might be nostalgic sentimentality, I really recommend that this one not be missed.

Le Fiabe più Belle. — Lo Schiaccianoci

2011-12-10T02:03:00.004-06:00

I found this Italian-dubbed anime version of The Nutcracker quite by accident on YouTube. Apparently, it was from a series of videos called Le Fiabe più Belle, or The Most Beautiful Tales. Many stories were in the series, such as The Wizard of Oz and Alice in Wonderland among many classic fairy tales.

This adaptation is quite faithful to Hoffman, though very fast paced. And it appears that, unusual for adaptations, Fritz is actually depicted as the older brother.

But anyway, I can't say much more than that. Here it is:

The Nutcracker Prince

2011-12-09T02:47:00.001-06:00

1990 brought the first English big screen animated adaptation of Hoffman's Nutcracker. And what a cast! Megan Follows (Anne of Green Gables) as Clara, Peter O'Toole playing the supporting role of a soldier named Pantaloon, Phyllis Diller as the Mouse Queen, and Kiefer Sutherland (long before 24) as the Nutcracker Prince himself!

The film opens wonderfully with Clara and Fritz delivering gifts around town and going to visit Godpapa (who they also call "Uncle," though they establish he's not really an uncle) Drosselmeyer before they return home for the family Christmas party.

One element often ignored in Nutcracker adaptations appears: the older Stahlbaum sister Louise is present. (She was in Hoffman's book, but as her role is barely fleeting, she is often omitted.) She is being courted, and Clara notes this, partly in scorn, and, perhaps, envy. Clara also has a kitten named Pavola.

At the party, Fritz gets a soldier's hat and a toy cannon. Clara gets a doll she names Marie (it is noted that many times the name of the doll and the girl are exchanged, however, few adaptations I've seen feature the doll by name, if at all). Clara's mother says that this will likely be Clara's last doll: she is about to become a young woman.

Godpapa Drosselmeyer arrives with a magnificent clockwork castle that, when Fritz asks if anything can be changed about it, he covers and pushes away in a huff. Clara finds a Nutcracker among the presents and Drosselmeyer shows her how to crack nuts with it before Fritz takes it and mistakes a toy cannon ball for a nut and breaks off some of the teeth.

As music plays, Drosselmeyer tells Clara the story of why the Nutcracker looks the way he does. (The sequence is animated in a cruder style than the rest of the film and the voices are comically exaggerated.) In a kingdom far away, clockmaker Christian Elias Drosselmeyer and his nephew Hans serve a king who reigns with his queen and their teenage daughter Pirlipat. On the King's birthday, the Queen is making a bleu cheese cake when the Mouse Queen arrives and with her oafish son and all their mice subjects, destroys it. Enraged, the king orders that the mice be killed.

In revenge for killing her subjects, the Mouse Queen curses Pirlipat with ugliness. Blaming Drosselmeyer for his daughter's ugliness, the King is about to have him executed, but the Queen suggests that he find a way to restore their daughter instead. Drosselmeyer discovers the Krakatook nut can lift the curse, if it is broken by a young man who has never shaved or worn boots, if he cracks it with his eyes closed and takes seven steps backwards. (Luckily, there's a Krakatook nut in the Royal Nuthouse.)

The King sends a notice that anyone who can break it may have Pirlipat and the kingdom, but all eligible bachelors fail. In a last ditch effort to save his uncle, Hans attempts to break the nut and does so, but as he walks backwards, the Mouse Queen turns him into a Nutcracker. He falls over, causing a pillar to squash her, and her son's tail. The Nutcracker grows to a small size and the King and Pirlipat banish Drosselmeyer and Hans. The Mouse Queen's son swears revenge to the Nutcracker.

Clara shrugs the story off as a fairy tale, but that night, she returns to the Nutcracker and shows the other toys to him, including the soldier Pantaloon, and her dolls Marie and Miss Trudy. She sings to the Nutcracker (a lovely song that utilizes The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy as its melody), but when Pavola breaks an ornament, she turns to go upstairs. However, she sees a phantom-like Drosselmeyer on the clock. He opens his coat and magic flies from him, bringing the toys to life as mice led by the Mouse King (who has been redesigned to look more fearsome, even with just one head) swarm in. The Nutcracker doesn't have a sword, so Clara is forced to defend him against the Mouse King by throwing her slipper at him, but she hits her head against the clock and passes out.

Clara awakens in bed and is told she was found unconscious downstairs. Fritz gives her a half-eaten box of chocolates as a gift which she puts in a drawer. Drosselmeyer arrives with a fixed Nutcracker and vague answers to her questions about the night before. Her mother arrives and insists she needs rest and the Nutcracker should go back downstairs. Drosselmeyer promises to keep an eye on the Nutcracker.

That night, the Mouse King arrives in Clara's room and tells her he's going to chew the Nutcracker to pieces. She offers him the chocolates, but she catches him in the drawer and runs downstairs. Drosselmeyer is back on the clock and the toys reawaken for a second battle, one of the toys lending the Nutcracker a sword. He manages to stab the Mouse King in the chest and the mouse falls from the Christmas tree. However, Pantaloon has been damaged in battle and they must take him to the Land of the Dolls to fix him. Clara is invited to join, and Drosselmeyer shrinks her so she can go with the toys through the clockwork castle.

They are transported to a Christmas Forest full of Christmas trees on the backs of flying swans. Clara and the Nutcracker share a dance in the Candy Castle and he asks her to stay. She's love to, but she reflects that she wants to grow up. Her family and Pavlova need her, and she wants to dance in the ballet. This makes the toys freeze and resume their normal toy appearance. Suddenly, the Mouse King appears, wounded and angry. While the Nutcracker attempts to fight, he is slowly turning back into his wooden form. Clara fights him, and lures him to the balcony where they both fall off, but Clara grabs the edge and pulls herself back up, and sees the Castle abandoned and a mist filling it. She tearfully calls for the Nutcracker.

Suddenly, Clara awakens in her bed, Fritz excitedly telling her how Pavolva caught a mouse. She grabs her slippers and coat and runs downstairs. The Nutcracker is gone. She runs to Drosselmeyer's shop. He opens the door, possibly having expected her, and she begs him to tell her the truth about the Nutcracker and Mouse King, saying she must know what is and isn't real. However, a young man carrying a clock enters from the back room, and Drosselmeyer introduces him as his nephew, Hans.

"Hello, Clara," says Hans, bowing.

"Hello, Nutcracker," replies Clara.

The animation in The Nutcracker Prince is gorgeous (except in the Princess Pirlipat story, but that's intentional), and the voice acting is top notch. While the story deviates a little from the original Hoffman, it works very well as an adaptation.

There are two songs, the afore-mentioned song that Clara sings to the Nutcracker: "Save this Dance." During the end credits, a Tchaikovsky-inspired song called "Always Come Back To You" plays, sung by Natasha's Brother and Rachele Cappelli. Often song sequences can stick out like sore thumbs, particularly if they use a piece of well-known music as a basis. However, these work beautifully.

The Nutcracker Prince wasn't a big box office success, so it's mainly been relegated to a video release, television broadcasts, and low budget DVDs. To be honest, for being one of the best adaptations of the Hoffman story that uses little from the ballet, I'd say it deserves much better recognition.

Care Bears Nutcracker Suite

2011-12-08T02:38:00.000-06:00

I didn't grow up with the Care Bears, so I'm afraid to say I don't have much fondness for them. I have no clue why "Care Bear Stare" shoots a beam from the teddies' chests.

Anyway, the Care Bears were going to have a trilogy of films, and the third film was going to be Care Bears Nutcracker Suite. However, it was released as the 1988 Christmas special and the finale of their TV series.

The special opens with kids preparing for a school production of The Nutcracker and a kid thinking it's boring. When a girl protests that the story can't be changed, the teacher, Miss Walker, says the ballet is just one of many retellings of E.T.A. Hoffman's story. (YES! THEY ACKNOWLEDGE HIM OPENLY!!!) They ask her what her favorite version of The Nutcracker is, and she says it was one told to her by the Care Bears.

The Care Bears discover an unhappy girl named Anna. I'll say it now, the Care Bears creep me out. Anna's best friend Sharon has moved away, so she's depressed. Suddenly, an amnesiac Nutcracker soldier arrives from a black portal, followed by rats (whose leader is the king, but he's short one-headed version) who attack, but the Care Bears use the Care Bear Stare to defeat them. Remembering he's from Toyland, the Nutcracker, Anna, the Care Bears, and Anna's brother Tommy go back to Toyland.

An evil Vizier has been trying to get the ex-Prince of Toyland's magic ring, which the petite Sugar Plum Fairy has hidden from him. Our group of protagonists head to the Vizier's castle, braving small obstacles and even imprisonment, they discover the ring was hidden in a nut by the Sugar Plum Fairy. The nut, after being recovered from the Vizier, is cracked, and the Nutcracker puts the ring on, turning him back into the Prince.

After Anna returns home, she is introduced to the new neighbor, Allen Prince, who looks like the Prince. The children ask what happened to Anna and Allen, when Miss Walker's husband Allen arrives.

Umm.... I guess this works as a Care Bear story, and there's at least a battle with "mice," although they're rats this time, and the Prince reappearing as a person in "the real world." The Rat King describes a battle with the Care Bears and lies that a shoe was thrown at him. But, overall, I didn't have any special feelings for this one. I didn't hate it, but I didn't love it. Or like it really. I'm indifferent. It's like an odd one out on my list of Nutcracker presentations.

At least they did acknowledge Hoffman...

Nutcracker Fantasy

2011-12-07T02:07:00.008-06:00

Seemingly, people have mistaken this stop-motion film for a Rankin-Bass production. Not hard to see why as the production values are just as good.

There are at least two versions of Nutcracker Fantasy: a Japanese one and an English one. While both are about the same, the English one lacks a few shots deemed too intense for family viewing.

The opening scene is narrated by a woman telling us how when she was a little girl, she loved visiting her Uncle Drosselmeyer in the town of Mindon. She tells about his clockmaking and toymaking, and then about the Rag Man, a Mindon urban legend who turns children who don't go to bed on time into mice.

To be honest, I fail to see the point of the Rag Man sequence as it's such a tiny part of the entire story. He's referred to a few times in passing, and had an additional appearance in the Japanese version. The fact that the English version works without that bit proves just how well it would flow without him.

Anyway, Clara stays up to see Drosselmeyer home, despite the protests of her Aunt Gerda. Clara's old friend Fritz is coming to visit the next day. When warned about the Rag Man, Clara says she's too old to believe. When Drosselmeyer returns, he has an imperfect doll with him that resembles a nutcracker soldier. Clara likes it and wants to have it to sleep with. Drosselmeyer lets her, but that night, she dreams mice are carrying away the Nutcracker. Downstairs, a large two headed mouse queen named Morphia and her son refuse to return them. When a mouse scratches Clara, the Nutcracker comes to life to defend her. The mice flee, and Clara falls asleep again.

Clara awakes in her bed and can't find the Nutcracker. There is also a scratch on her arm. Aunt Gerda thinks she's feverish and sends for the doctor. As Clara thinks over the previous night, she finds herself downstairs and enters the clock, calling for Drosselmeyer. She eventually finds her way into a palace where she is mistaken for Princess Maria. When she reveals the mistake, they explain Princess Maria was placed in an enchanted sleep to slowly turn into a mouse by Morphia. This happened when a marriage proposal between Maria and Morphia's son Gar was refused as part of a peace treaty.

No one in the court seems to have any idea how to break the curse, but Clara is advised by a street singer to visit a gypsy who goes by "Queen of Time." The Queen of Time reveals the only way to break the curse is to break the Shell of Darkness, Morphia's source of power (it covers her heart), with a pearl sword she gives Clara. Clara then explains and gives the sword to Lieutenant Franz. The surprise attack on Morphia and the mice is successful, but just before the Nut of Darkness is destroyed and Morphia killed, Franz is cursed to become a Nutcracker.

Princess Maria, when restored, proves ungrateful to Franz. Clara wants to restore Franz, and a Puppeteer offers to help until he hears it's Morphia's curse, which he can't work against. He sends her to see a Watchmaker, who has one eye. (He looks a lot like Drosselmeyer.) He tells her the only way to break the curse is love. Franz made a sacrifice to save the Princess, and Clara must make an equal one. But does she love Franz enough?

Clara falls asleep and dreams of dancing with Franz, until finally they are about to go up a flight of stairs together. She gets stuck on a stair and Franz goes without her. She awakens to see Gar about to carry off the Nutcracker, wanting revenge for his mother. Clara protests, asking him to forgive Franz. She then offers her life for Franz. As Gar is about to stab the Nutcracker, Clara throws herself in front of the knife, but when it strikes her, Gar is destroyed, Franz is restored, and she finds herself falling into a black hole.

Clara awakens in her bed and Aunt Gerda announces Fritz has arrived. When he enters, he looks exactly like Franz. The two are reintroduced, and we are told they lived "Happily ever after." They are then seen surrounded by the people of Clara's fantasies.

The story is a loose adaptation, though the connections to the original Hoffman story may be seen. While many parts are rewritten, Clara now takes part in what was the Princess Pirlipat story. The battle between mice and toys is now part of that as well, and Clara's willingness to sacrifice for her love is also present. In short, while the story is very, very different, the important themes are there, in what makes for a sound story in its own way.

The weirdest thing to me is Clara's husband being named Fritz, who was her brother in the original story. ... Awkward.

The music is really good. If you listen closely, you'll note riffs off of Tchaikovsky often. Drosselemeyer's "Tick Tock Tee" plays with the classic March theme from the ballet. "Where Does The Blue Bird Fly" has the chorus take off the Final Waltz and Apotheosis.

However, I must say that the casting of Christopher Lee as Drosselmeyer, the Street Singer, the Puppeteer and the Watchmaker was genius. Pure perfection.

Lilies in the night
Move in shadow
Knocking on the door

Calling Clara

Somewhere in the dark

Dawn awakens

To dance a dream of fantasy

Palace of the princess

Deeply dreaming

Midnight minuet

As she is sleeping

Clara, take my hand

Feel the music

Now the dance of the dolls has begun

And in the moonlight

You minuet

Dancing along

In your first pirouet

This is dance of the dolls

And it's all for you...

"The Nutcracker" in audio

2011-12-06T02:55:00.000-06:00

I have experienced two Nutcracker audio books, both different variations of the story, but very similar in presentation. And both by Caedmon Audio, as well!

The earliest is Story of the Nutcracker, read by Claire Bloom. The back cover gives a brief history of the story, crediting Hoffman, Dumas, and the creators of the ballet. Janet Schulman is the writer of the adaptation presented on the album, which is a very faithful one. Instead of just having a basic condensation of the plot, Schulman's take allows the characters to develop just as they do in Hoffman's book. This adaptation is also available as a book, illustrated by Renee Graef.

In addition to staying true to Hoffman's tale, Schulman also works in some of the entertainments from the ballet, including the Sugar Plum Fairy and the Arabian coffee dancer.

Claire Bloom gives a wonderful reading, backed with music from the ballet. The mix is perfectly edited together. It's a wonderful listening experience, and perfect for anyone interested in the original story.

The other recording is a straightforward reading of the book by Christopher Plummer. The book is Ralph Manheim's excellent translation of Hoffman's original. Again, it is mixed with the music from the ballet, mixed to highlight it.

Plummer gives the story a life of its own. Marie is fittingly dreamy, while when Fritz enters, he reads in a pompous tone, emulating to how seriously Fritz takes his army play. Drosselmeyer is not as mysterious as he could easily be, but is a warm and inviting German nut. I found his reading of the story of Princess Pirlipat immersive.

I highly recommend both recordings!

Щелкунчик (1973)

2011-12-05T02:40:00.006-06:00

Russia's animation output never ceases to amaze me. I'd been exposed to some Oz animation and it was fine. But in 1973, they turned out their own adaptation of the Nutcracker. Nothing Disney-worthy, but let's look at it.

Schelkunchik (which translates simply to "Nutcracker") contains no dialogue, and mainly Tchaikovsky's music, though some is from also from his Swan Lake and Sleeping Beauty. This is truly a fine marriage of music and animation. It opens with a soldier mouse searching with a searchlight. He eventually finds a nutcracker on a Christmas tree and smiles, and heads out. Whatever mission he was on has been completed.

Fast forward to Christmas morning. Many children rip open their presents, and use the Nutcracker to crack nuts. Meanwhile, through a window, a chambermaid watches curiously as the children enjoy a lush pastime she apparently never got to. The Nutcracker is soon abandoned as a rich dinner is served.

At night, the chambermaid enters the room to clean up after the party. She mops up, but then quietly begins to dance. The mop joins her, and she finds the Nutcracker on the floor. Admiring him, she gives him a kiss that brings him to life. He greets her, but then realizes he's made of wood. He looks at his reflection in the window and is dismayed at what he sees.

The Nutcracker tells his story: he was a prince, and shortly after his birth, his parents had a party for him. The party is invaded by a cruel three-headed mouse queen and her three-headed son. They are rude, and seem to offer to become friends, offering the baby prince a wrapped gift. The queen unwraps it, revealing it to be ... nothing. The baby cries. The king asks the mice to leave, but they refuse. He sends guards who are petrified and shattered by the mouse queen. The king draws a sword, but the queen eats it out of his hand, so he enters a secret chamber hidden in the wall by his throne to get some poison. The mouse prince closes the door after the king, but the baby's cradle rocks onto his tale. Injured, he cries to his mother who looms over everyone threateningly. She is about to cast a curse, when the king arrives through a hole in the floor the mice had made. He poisons her, which causes her to burst, but her tail flies through the air, striking the baby prince, transforming him into a Nutcracker. Distraught, his mother catches him up and cries over him. The mouse prince grabs his mother's crown and leaves, shaking his fist. Everything in the throne room is frosted over, and the Nutcracker is transported to a Christmas tree.

And now, soldier mice begin to enter the hall and the Mouse King, apparently the mouse prince now grown to an adult, enters. The chambermaid tries to guard the Nutcracker, but the Mouse King uses his magic and shrinks her to his size. The Nutcracker calls the other toys and ornaments to battle, and they fight, the mice being drowned with candy, but the Mouse King uses his scepter to disintegrate all in his way. The Nutcracker is caught and about to be destroyed. The chambermaid throws her wooden clog at the Mouse King, knocking off his crown, which destroys him, creating a mysterious vapor that kills all the mice.

The chambermaid's clog becomes a beautiful shining slipper. The Nutcracker picks it up, and as he does so, his wooden body crumbles, revealing a handsome young prince underneath. He puts on the shoe on her foot, and her other clog transforms into its mate. Then her dress transforms into a beautiful gown, and as the Prince offers her his hand, they are transported through dance back to his old home. The throne room thaws, and the king and queen are thrilled to see their son a normal human being again, and with a beautiful girl at his side. The Prince and his soon to be Princess join in a mesmerizing dance.

Back under the Christmas tree lies the broken shell of the Nutcracker and a pair of wooden clogs.

Now, this is a very loose adaptation of the story. Aside from the Nutcracker and the Mouse King and his mother, none of Hoffman's characters appear. The chambermaid takes the role of Marie, and the children at the party more or less fill the role of Fritz, and in some ways, Marie. The story of Princess Pirlipat is telescoped into a story of how a prince was turned into the Nutcracker.

The thing is, even though it is very loose, it is so well done and the telescoped plot makes so much sense, I actually love it! It's on my list of favorite adaptations.

THE NUTCRACKER by Warren Chappell

2011-12-04T02:46:00.001-06:00

The Nutcracker has been adapted for picture books many, many times. Some based on Hoffman's original story, some the ballet.

One that stood out to me even as a child was an adaptation by Warren Chappell. This was first published in 1958. It's a rectangular volume, wider than it is high, in a green cover with silver stamping. The dustjacket tells the Nutcracker nut that this isn't going to pretend to be the original. It tells you it's adapted from Dumas' adaptation of Hoffman right off!

Chappell's adaptation is a very faithful adaptation. It feels more like an abridgement than an adaptation though it isn't. It makes for a lively retelling.

However, the big features of the book are still to be explained. First, there are the wonderful illustrations by Chappell. His line art and color pages bring the story whimsically and beautifully to life. Even his seven-headed Mouse King is well-done, though he is so massive, one wonders how he's even a threat.

But that's not all! Actual sheet music for Tchaikovsky's score appear on the pages, illustrated. When I was a kid and got the book from the library, I recall asking a music teacher at school to play from it. (She did.)

Quite an excellent book. Not only is it a good adaptation, it's also a really attractive little book.

The Nutcracker Ballet

2011-12-03T02:26:00.016-06:00

And now it's impossible to talk about the legacy that Hoffman's Nutcracker has had without mentioning Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky's ballet version. When you mention the Nutcracker story, this is what people think of first usually. (Unless they're crazy Hoffman nuts like me.)

Photo of the original 1892 production

The most famous bit of the ballet is Tchaikovsky's score. When the ballet bombed at first, a 20-minute suite kept the music alive until the ballet was revived, becoming annual traditions all over the world.

The Nutcracker ballet was originally in a double bill with Iolanta. Marius Petipa adapted Dumas' rewriting of the book for the ballet and also was the original choreographer. Tchaikovsky wrote the score to accompany it. It was not one of his fondest works.

The original production was staged in 1892, a week before Christmas. From what I can tell, the basic plot of the ballet as it is normally done was there, dictated by the names of the pieces of score. The children eagerly await the Christmas party, where gifts from Drosselmeyer and arrivals of many guests are the highlights. Clockwork people by Drosselmeyer and the Nutcracker are major points. Music highlights the cracking of nuts before a hostile Fritz breaks the Nutcracker. The girl, who was renamed Clara in the ballet, takes care of the Nutcracker and returns to the drawing room to see him at night.

Photo of the original 1892 production

Magic happens when it gets late as Drosselmeyer appears on the clock, and to accommodate the plot, Clara grows smaller, shown by the Christmas tree growing to an immense height. Mice and toys begin to fight, the Nutcracker leading the toys. The King of Mice (who, depending on what is possible for the producers, may have seven heads or just one highlighted by a crown or sash or something else) fights the Nutcracker, and almost overpowers him, but Clara throws her shoe at the King, and, depending on what the choreographer has decided, it inexplicably kills him, or allows the Nutcracker to turn the tables, killing the King of Mice.

Set design from the original 1892 production

In a wooded scene, the Nutcracker turns into a prince and he and Clara go to a land of sweets where the Nutcracker Prince recounts his story and then dancers depicting various sweets or drinks or spices dance for the Nutcracker Prince and Clara, usually climaxing with the hostess, the Sugar Plum Fairy, dancing with either her Cavalier or the Nutcracker. (In some productions, Clara takes the place of the Sugar Plum Fairy, sometimes even becoming that character.) In the ending, the Nutcracker Prince and Clara leave to continue their journey or to go home, or Clara awakes and the ending is left ambiguous as to whether it was a dream or not.

Set design from the original 1892 production

There have, of course, been many variations of the ballet over the past 119 years. Some keep to this basic format, like George Balanchine's famous versions. Others try to reimagine the story for various reasons. As the format of ballet doesn't allow for much exposition, these are more or less forced to portray what they can on stage. The story of Princess Pirlipat is almost impossible to tell in the ballet, though the Pacific Northwest Ballet attempted to do a pantomime version in the party with music not from the original suite.

Mother Ginger and her children, 1892 designs

Other versions have the story become a metaphor for Marie (or Clara, productions change the name as they want) going from a young girl to a young woman, to some very sensual interpretations. Matthew Bourne's Nutcracker's second act features the heroine trying to get the Nutcracker back from her fairyland romantic rival!

But when the story gets down to basics, it's a reasonably faithful adaptation of the story. Yes, there's a big jump from the battle to the defeat of the Mouse King, but given the storytelling limits of ballet, it works. And the music is just beautiful. It really captures the story and fits it perfectly. More information about variations on the ballet may be found here.

Original 1892 costume design

The ballet has become a holiday staple for ballet companies, all with some variants on the story and huge differences in choreography. Many large companies even have their productions professionally filmed and released on home video, television, or even films. I had two of the latter on video tape: George Balanchine's The Nutcracker featuring Macaulay Culkin as the Nutcracker Prince, and The Nutcracker: The Motion Picture by the Pacific Northwest Ballet, featuring set designs by artist Maurice Sendak. (These designs were retooled as illustrations for Ralph Manheim's translation of the original Hoffman book.)

So, as it might be tempting to dismiss the ballet as an overly popular rival to Hoffman's original story, it's a wonderful holiday tradition well worth preserving.

Histoire d'un casse-noisette

2011-12-02T02:07:00.001-06:00

I was surprised to find that Alexandre Dumas had rewritten Hoffman's story. I mean, he's the guy who wrote The Three Musketeers, The Man in the Iron Mask, and The Counte of Monte Cristo. Histoire d'un casse-noisette (translated The Story of the Nutcracker) was published in French in 1844. I can only imagine this was done because there had been no French translation of the German story.

The famous Nutcracker ballet actually used Dumas' text over Hoffman's, as it was in French, and the writer of the original libretto was the French choreographer Victor Marius Alphonse Petipa. In English, however, a translation of Dumas' retelling is harder to find than Hoffman's. I found a digital version of the book on Internet Archive, a French 1921 edition with the 1846 illustrations by Bertall (Charles Albert d'Arnoux). Finally, I discovered that Penguin books had published it in tandem with a translation of the original Hoffman.

Dumas' adaptation, retelling, revision, translation, what have you, opens with him telling how he was asked for a tale by children. The only "tale" he can think of is Hoffman's The Tale of the Nutcracker. Yes, he credits Hoffman openly, so no foul on him.

Dumas' narrative flows very much like Hoffman's original, beat for beat. However, while Hoffman opened the story describing the children's POV of their parent's Christmas Eve preparations, Dumas introduces the place, characters, and even describes the differences between German and French Christmas customs for families. Also, Hoffman's Stahlbaum family becomes Dumas' Silberhaus family. No mention is made of older sister Louise.

In addition, the rivalry between the Nutcracker and Mouse King is clarified earlier on. The Nutcracker taunts the Mouse King, asking if he's come to accept the challenge that had been laid down. The Mouse King says he's avenging his mother.

The tale of Princess Pirlipat is told in a single, long session, and instead of fat, this particular translation of Dumas describes bacon as being used in the sausages the queen makes that Madame Mouserinks wants to eat. Though bacon has a fat in it, I can hardly imagine it would serve the correct purpose in sausage making as fits the story. (The lack of fat making the sausages dry and coarse.) Upon checking, the word "fat" appears to be what Dumas intended. The travels of the clockmaker are expanded upon briefly as well, and Dumas notes that the expression "That's a hard nut to crack" (which seems to be obscure now), stems from Pirlipat's story.

Dumas adds other little details here and there, such as Drosselmeyer's nephew being named Nathaniel, and the Mouse King being a bit sillier in his threats, but still, he doesn't really deviate from Hoffman's story.

Overall, over the two, I prefer the original Hoffman. While Dumas did a fine job of making sure the story would be understood well, his over-explanation and attempt to streamline the story takes away the dreamy qualities of Hoffman's fantasy.

The Penguin translation I mentioned doesn't do Dumas (or Hoffman) any favors, only giving us a bare translation that is not enjoyable to read.

For an example of Dumas' additional details, here's the paragraph analogous to the one I posted in yesterday's blog.

After one year, the fiance came back for his wife in a little carriage of mother of pearl inlaid with gold and silver, drawn by horses that were not bigger than sheep, and a priceless worth, they had not seen their like in the world, and it took them to the palace of Marzipan, where they were married by the chaplain of the castle, and or twenty-two thousand little figures, all covered with beads, dazzling diamonds and jewels, danced at their wedding. So that at the present moment, Marie is still queen of the beautiful kingdom where you can see all the bright forests of Christmas, and rivers of orangeade, almond and rose essence and palaces of translucent sugar finer than snow and clearer than ice, and finally, all manner of things wonderful and miraculous, provided you have quite good eyes to see them.

And now I leave you with more of Bertall's illustrations.

The Nutcracker and the King of Mice

2011-12-01T02:04:00.024-06:00

E.T.A. Hoffman's The Nutcracker and the King of Mice was written in 1816. Given the legacy it has had, it is hard for us to realize the story was written as a dark fantasy.

The young Stahlbaum children, seven year old Marie and her older brother Fritz, eagerly await their Christmas presents from their parents and godfather Drosselmeyer, although they usually only enjoy their godfather's clockwork gifts for a brief time before they are put away. Fritz grows tired of a clockwork castle Drosselmeyer has created, preferring his toy army. Marie is quieter and more appreciative. She finds a wooden nutcracker soldier. The family enjoys cracking nuts until Fritz uses the biggest and hardest nuts that break off some of the Nutcracker's teeth and ruins his jaw.

The Nutcracker is left in Marie's care and she is allowed to stay up a little late to ensure the Nutcracker is seen to. When she begins to head to bed, she sees the owl on top of the clock has turned into Drosselmeyer. Mice swarm into the room, and Marie crashes into the glass toy cabinet. The toys in the cabinet come to life, Fritz's soldiers being led by the Nutcracker to battle against the mice and their seven-headed king.

It appears the toys are winning, but the mice keep coming, and the Mouse King is fighting with the Nutcracker one on one. Marie takes her slipper off and throws it at the Mouse King, but as she does, she goes unconscious.

The next morning she awakes in her bed, bandaged, with orders to stay in bed (with medicine the way it was in those days, a cut would need to be observed over time for infection). Fritz and Drosselmeyer visit after Marie is well enough to sit up in bed for a time. Drosselmeyer has repaired the Nutcracker, and Marie demands to know why he didn't help the Nutcracker. Drosselmeyer says a mysterious rhyme and then proceeds to tell her the Nutcracker's story, which is broken into three parts that he tells over three days.

In an unnamed kingdom, a king and queen had a daughter named Pirlipat, who was hailed as the prettiest baby. But she was always kept guarded. Before her birth, the queen was making her special sausages for a special banquet, but as she was doing so, Madame Mouserinks, queen of the mice, appeared and demanded some of the fat. The queen offered her some, but other mice came and ate almost all of the fat, leaving very little for the queen to make her sausages with, making them too dry and coarse. The king expressed his outrage by having a clockmaker create mouse traps to rid the castle of mice. The clockmaker did his job well, killing every mouse except Madame Mouserinks.

Madame swore to get even with them by cursing their new baby. Despite a watch of six maids with six cats, Madame made good on her vow and cursed the princess, making her hideously ugly. The clockmaker and court astronomer are called to find a cure for her (which involves a scene where we're told they examined her by taking her apart, rather disturbing), and they discover that if a young man who has never shaved or worn boots breaks the krakatook nut with his teeth and feeds it to Pirlipat, she will be restored. However, the krakatook nut is the rarest nut in the world and they spend fifteen years looking for it and a man who fits the description.

Homesick, the clockmaker wishes to visit his brother in Nuremberg. When he tells his brother of his troubles, the brother laughs, because not only does he have a krakatook nut, his son fits the requirements to crack it and give it to the princess! They hurry to the castle, where the young man cracks the nut with his eyes closed and takes seven steps backwards, breaking the curse. On the seventh step, he steps on Madame Mouserinks. With her dying breath, she turns him into a nutcracker, saying that her seven headed son (disturbingly created from her seven dead sons) will defeat the Nutcracker, who can only be restored if he wins unconditional love of a young woman.

Marie realizes her Nutcracker must be the clockmaker's nephew, and the clockmaker himself is none other than Drosselmeyer. That night, the Mouse King arrives and threatens to chew the Nutcracker into splinters if she doesn't give him some of her things. She agrees, but when he begins to repeat his demands, she worries she will have nothing left soon. When she tells the Nutcracker this, he comes to life and tells her he needs a new sword so he can defeat the Nutcracker. When she explains this to Fritz, he happily provides a sword for the Nutcracker. (This redeems Fritz for his poor treatment of the Nutcracker earlier.)

That night, the Nutcracker fells the Mouse King in combat, and takes Marie through her father's coat to a ship and they sail to a land made of candy, where all the things Marie sacrificed are now immortalized as actual characters. She looks into the water while sailing to his castle and sees a beautiful princess that she thinks must be Pirlipat. Nutcracker assures him that it couldn't be Pirlipat. A princess who would shun a young man who had sacrificed so much for her couldn't be that pretty. The beautiful princess is Marie herself.

At his castle, Nutcracker is greeted by his sisters, who are crying for joy at his return. Nutcracker and Marie are entertained by people preparing food, and Marie is even asked to grind rock candy. Marie finds herself being lifted away dreamily, and finally awakens in her own bed. Her parents don't believe her tale of the Nutcracker. When she shows them the Mouse King's crowns the Nutcracker gave her, her father says they're from his old watch. She is forbidden to speak of her experiences again.

When Marie has grown older, she finally declares her love for the Nutcracker. Drosselmeyer overhears and dismisses it as nonsense. Marie faints, but when she awakens, she discovers they have a guest: Drosselmeyer's nephew from Nuremberg. After charming the family with his manners and nut-cracking, he assures Marie he returns her love, and we are told they are married afterward and go to live in his kingdom.

Despite how it was supposed to be a dark fantasy in 1816, today, the story reads beautifully and charmingly. I loved it as a kid. I have two versions of the book: Ralph Mannheim's translation (I did say it's a German story, right?) illustrated by Maurice Sendak, and a "retelling" that was little more than a slightly abridged translation by Warren Chappel. Both of them manage to be more than flat translations, infusing the story with an actually fun writing style. However, some satire got lost in translation, which made the story better. Here's the end of the story, roughly translated by Google and myself:

After a year he had them, as they say, picked up in a golden carriage drawn by silver horses. At the wedding were twenty-two thousand of the most brilliant dancing figures ornamented with pearls and diamonds. And Marie will still be forever the Queen of the country where there are everywhere shiny Christmas forests, transparent marzipan castles, and you can behold the most glorious wonderful things, if you only have eyes to afterward.

Yeah... It gives you the impression that a land of Christmas trees and candy castles might get disgusting. (As a jaded adult, I agree.) Here's how Ralph Manheim translated it:

In a year and a day he called for her in a golden carriage drawn by silver horses. At the wedding, two and twenty thousand of the most brilliant figures adorned with pearls and diamonds danced, and Marie is believed to be still the queen of a country where sparkling Christmas woods, transparent marzipan castles, in short, the most wonderful things, can be seen if you have the right sort of eyes for it.

See the more gentle phrasing?

Whatever the phrasing, it's still a wonderful story about love and the fascination children can have with Christmas and make believe. Hoffman writes in a dreamy fashion, never telling you that Marie's visions of the Nutcracker are true or not until the very end. He manages to perfectly capture the excitement of the children for their Christmas presents, and his characterization of Fritz is an oft-ignored gem. Drosselmeyer's mysterious manner can be charming or downright creepy when needed. Marie's wide-eyed innocence and childish faith in her amazing visions of the Nutcracker and his kingdom are convincing.

And the Nutcracker story has proved to be quite inspirational.

(The images are illustrations by Artuš Scheiner from an edition published in Prague in 1924. It seems they were scanned by josefskrhola on Flickr.)

Announcing ... The Nutcracker

2011-11-30T02:15:00.000-06:00

Starting tomorrow will be a look at 18 different versions of The Nutcracker, starting with the original books and the ballet, then different screen and even audio adaptations. One blog a day.

I decided against doing different blogs about different variations of the ballet. For those that want more information, the blog about the ballet has a link to a very informative page about variations.

The blogs will conclude on December 19th with a personal reflection by myself.

How to make it big in the UK

2011-09-03T23:12:00.000-05:00

1. Learn to act
2. Learn to sing
3. Learn to dance
4. Have good presence and a pleasant disposition
5. Appear on Doctor Who or another highly rated UK TV show
6. Create humorous viral videos
7. Pitch a TV show
8. If the pitch doesn't work, redevelop and try again
9. Twitter doesn't hurt
10. Don't take this list seriously

Being Human US and Being Human

2011-01-19T22:41:00.001-06:00

Imagine this opening, a young man walks into the woods, and mysteriously begins to undress, then covers his genitals with his hands and waits. As the full moon rises, he has spasms of pain and begins screaming. Suddenly, he begins to transform, growing claws and his face expanding into a snout. He's a werewolf.

Meanwhile, another young man is talking with a beautiful young woman. She lets him seduce her and welcomes him to casual sex. And through this, his eyes suddenly turn black, though she doesn't see that, and as they become intimate, he bites her neck with fangs that have suddenly appeared. He's a vampire.

So, that is how Being Human opens. But which version, the original BBC production that began with a pilot in 2008, or the just premiered new series on SyFy? The answer: both.

So, yes, I am a fan of the original BBC Being Human, so that really tainted my view of the SyFy remake. As someone in a review I read pointed out, remaking British shows like The Office and Skins (neither of which I've really watched either version of) is understandable, because while the humor may be global, the cultural difference can be keenly felt in places like jobs and schools. Being Human, on the other hand, is a supernatural show, and aside from accents and Annie's fondness for tea, there is little that is exclusively British. Yes, it was Being Human that sent me into my descent to Anglophilia.

I suppose the "little that is exclusively British" would also be an argument for remaking it as an American series. The big problem a lot of people really worried about was that the original series would use the supernatural to examine the human condition and unfortunately, a lot of American series are not known for being deep, but just really developed stories. (Or barely developed.) Every now and then, something really good comes along, but it eventually degrades. (And don't think that I think only American series degrade in quality. It's happened in the UK.) Has the time of great American TV programming passed? Well, you can barely try to use a remake of a British series to win that argument...

So, I did watch the first episode of SyFy's Being Human. Twice, in fact, as it was available on SyFy's On Demand channel through my cable provider. My thoughts?

First off, I was very disappointed that the story of the first episode was very much modeled on the original's withdrawn pilot and first episode. (Withdrawn? Yeah, the original recast from pilot to series, whatever, back to SyFy's show.) My enjoyment of the show would largely be based on what was new and fresh.

So, what did I get in that area in the first episode? Extremely little. As I already pointed out, the pre-titles opening of the episode mirrors that of the original's pilot.

Josh is a werewolf, Aidan is a vampire. They both work at a hospital and get a house together, only to discover it is haunted by Sally, a young woman who recently died in the house (her ex-fiancee Danny is the landlord), though she can't remember how. Josh discovers his sister, Emily, is visiting her girlfriend at his hospital, and the two meet, Josh having left his family behind after becoming a werewolf. Meanwhile, Aidan is dealing with with his accidental killing of Becca, the girl he bit in the opening. Bishop, an older vampire who works as a police officer, is pushing Aidan to come back to the other vampires. At the end of the episode, Josh is transforming locked in a room in the hospital basement, desperate for someone to get Emily out of there.

There are some changes in mythology for ghosts and vampires. Sally, unlike the original's Annie, is completely intangible and is confined to the inside of the house. (At least, for now. I'm expecting that this may change.) In the original, Mitchell the vampire curbed his bloodlust with food, claiming carbs had become his blood substitute. Aidan cannot eat normal food. (Great, Josh will have dinner with his two roommates just watching him.) And while not a change in mythology, the vampires appear to use "blood whores," women (or other vampires?) who bleed themselves willingly for vampires to feed from. This wasn't exactly present in the original, though the second series did have an emo girl visit the vampire headquarters expecting to be fed from.

Just about the only other changes I noted was that the original's pilot didn't have George the werewolf's sister, but his ex-fiancee, who was admitted into the hospital where he worked. In addition, the pilot didn't end with that cliffhanger. Annie managed to rescue George's ex before anything could happen to her. I am also unsure as to whether or not Aidan has sworn off blood. They might be having him come to the decision.

Now, a critical factor in the original was that the main cast gelled. Even in the original pilot, the cast had chemistry before two thirds of them were recast. And then it worked again after the recasting. Here, Aidan and Josh do act off each other very well, but both seem very distant from Sally, thus making her the character I sympathized with the most. However, if the ensemble cast is going to work, this really needs to change. (I understand from a press review that it is still felt in the third episode.) In the original, George grudgingly put up with Annie's presence, while Mitchell whimsically entertained it, before Annie managed to endear herself to George.

Josh feels a lot like a lighter version of George, not quite as neurotic or even as funny, but then Russell Tovey is a hard act to follow. Aidan, on the other hand, doesn't strike me as quite genuine. He's supposedly 200 years old, or so I understand from press releases, but why is he so weepy and upset when he accidentally kills Becca in the opening? You'd think that after two centuries of drinking blood, if he was going to reform and slipped, he'd be disappointed, but not crying over it. And he doesn't strike me as mature enough for 200. It's not just the actor's look, it's the way the character is being portrayed. I've never seen most of the cast in anything before (Sam Huntington, Josh, I did see briefly in Superman Returns as my favorite supporting character Jimmy Olsen), so I'm hesitant to write them off as bad actors. It can be entirely in how they were directed to act, or how the part was written.

Is SyFy's Being Human different from the original? Yeah, but the differences in plot aren't too big. The other differences aren't building any confidence. Now, yes, the show has just started, so I've decided to try the next couple episodes, but if we keep seeing retreads from the original show, I doubt I'll be coming back.

Which really is a shame. I know my tone has been largely negative here, but the fact is, I really began to hope I could enjoy both the original show and SyFy's version. However, if I feel like I'm watching the same show again, I see no point to continue.

(Real quick, I'm going to refer to the original show as Being Human from here on. SyFy's will be called SyFy's or Being Human US.)

Going West

2010-08-01T16:57:00.000-05:00

As those of you who also read my Oz blog know, I went to the 2010 Winkie Convention. It was something I'd wanted to do for years, so when I realized I could afford to pay my registration and take the time off work, I jumped for it. Getting there and back was a story in itself.

Due to being unable to find affordable air fare, I decided I would take a Greyhound bus to California. A former Winkie attendee advised I go to Salinas, CA and take public transport from there. Another Winkie was persuaded into meeting me at Salinas and going the rest of the way from there.

Setting out on July 21st, I got a taste of what traveling on a Greyhound would be like: there was some idiot overreacting about everything and asking people a bunch of questions. I was really glad he wasn't on the same route I was.

Reboarding buses and making transfers can be boring, frustrating, and confusing, as the intercom systems they announce the buses on are often full of static. Transfers are really frustrating when the bus you're supposed to catch is late.

Riding the bus is okay, except when there are people talking loudly (something they tell you NOT to do), or when there are young children crying and screaming!

Oftentimes, I'd resort to my MP3 player, some books I'd brought along, or my phone, which I had to recharge a number of times, to ignore the other passengers. As I passed through Oklahoma, Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and California, I also took some photos.

As I mentioned, I had to recharge my cell phone, and at most Greyhounds, there are outlets they allow people to use for this purpose. At larger ones, power strips or specially designed rows of outlets were available. In Flagstaff, AZ, however, there was a sign over uncovered outlets saying that they were not for you to use, and if you were caught using it, "your trip ends here." Instead, they'd recharge your stuff for you at the counter for $2. Great, so all the other ones offer it for free, while here, if someone makes a simple mistake, you'll strand them? A little harsh!

As for food (each of my trips lasted about 48 hours, spread over three days), I had intended to bring some sandwiches to save money, but by the second day, they were turning rancid, and the last one I had made me sick, so I discarded the rest at a Circle K and bought some crackers. Most Greyhound stations offered over priced vending machines, and some had built-in cafeterias, but I couldn't bring myself to eat there. Sometimes, the bus would take a break near restaurants or convenience stores, and I had better luck there.

The bus arriving at Salinas was about two hours late, the guy picking me up knew it wasn't my fault, though he wasn't thrilled about it, and believe me, neither was I. You'd expect better service for $200+. I guess, given the nature of the transport, you can't blame them for stiff necks, sore backs and tail bones.

Anyways, we got to Winkies in plenty of time.

Sunday, I opted to take the public transport back to Salinas, and the bus system that connects Pacific Grove, Monterey, and Salinas is incredible! On time, comfortable seats, and a pleasant atmosphere. (The price was a bit steep compared to Springfield, but hey, it's California.) I arrived in Salinas, grabbed a late lunch, and headed over to the Greyhound station, which was ... dark and really ghetto. You had to get a key to use the bathrooms.

The bus I was supposed to catch in Salinas was late, but I reflected that it would just cut into my four-hour layover in Los Angeles, making that shorter.

In L.A., we got a new bus that was on time, and eventually made it to Oklahoma City on time as well. Making the final transfer there was easy, as it turned out the same driver was also going to be starting that route.

However, it was spoiled when, in Tulsa, Oklahoma, our driver was changed, and the new one wound up getting us 30 minutes behind schedule. But at least Audrey, my ride home, didn't have to wait too long, as she got there about 10 minutes before.

Next year, I'm trying a different mode of transport!

Irk!

2010-05-18T22:50:00.001-05:00

Here's something that irks me: going to a message board and someone has posted a thread about a remake of a movie or possible movie adaptation of a book (or something else) and then, asks who should play whom. And that's it.

I find it quite disturbing how little people actually know about making movies. Here's a few myths people have about making movies.

A movie based on a book is basically transcribed from the book. As most people who actually read books and see the movie can tell you, this is not true, but the myth remains surprisingly prevalent. While some dialogue from books can work very well on film, in many movies, very little of the book's dialogue is used.
Why read the book? I've seen the movie! Because reading the book sounds more intellectual? And plus, if you're reading the book for a school assignment, you might as well not even finish the assignment, because you'll get an F either way. A book is a story. The movie is an interpretation of the story, sometimes with the ending or important elements changed or eliminated.
If the movie sucks, it's the actor's fault. Hardly. Someone wrote the script, someone directed it, and someone thought it would be a movie worth making. The actors are just doing their jobs, following the writers and directors.
Okay, let's say this movie was being made. Who would play who? Too early. It depends on the interpretation of the story and characters that the movie will go for. And frankly, they'll often go against what the fans think should happen, because the fans don't really understand it.

And that is why I rarely talk about movies with most people.

Random Thought

2010-05-12T21:58:00.000-05:00

You ever heard this urban legend?

Husband and wife go out for the night and hire a babysitter to watch their kid and put it to bed. They come home and find the babysitter having sex with her boyfriend. When they ask her about it, she says it's okay because they're using Saran Wrap. Turns out the Saran Wrap isn't a great condom substitute and the babysitter gets pregnant.

I'm not for abortions, because if you're that much of an irresponsible slut, you should keep the kid to learn about being a responsible adult.

What I don't get about this urban legend is the parents' unconcerned attitude about their kid. (Guess that's a hint it's not true.) Suppose the kid got out of bed because they missed their parents, wanted a glass of water, or needed to use the bathroom, then sees babysitter Suzy putting out for a guy with Saran Wrap on his penis. Kid would be scarred for life.

How about the parents saying "Sorry, we don't pay prostitutes." "Well, apparently you think we need a new couch." Or, what Audrey and Shaun would say, "Oh, we've done it on that couch lots of times."

Still, I'd know I wouldn't pay someone when I come home and find that they've invited a stranger over and are going at it on my couch.

Switch up

2010-05-11T07:28:00.000-05:00

Because some of my followers were not too crazy about my having daily Twitter digests here, and they also were linked to in my Twitter feed, I started a new blog just for that, and moved all my old digests there as well. It's mainly for me to have a place to search through my tweets, kind of like a real-time journal. A lot of my followers follow me on Twitter anyways, so I don't expect them to follow this new blog, but they can if they want.

Fish Fingers and Custard

2010-04-18T19:28:00.002-05:00

Last night, BBC America premiered the fifth season of the revived version of Doctor Who. Along with the new series, it marked the first episode in which the role of the Doctor was played by the former unknown Matt Smith. (Of course, the episode actually premiered in the UK two weeks ago.)

Smith is the eleventh actor to play the role of the Doctor officially. The Doctor is an alien who can heal himself when he is fatally wounded or dying, but in doing so changes his body, and to some extent, his personality. This is why the show has had over 30 years on television, over a 47 year period that included a 16 year hiatus. Filming at 27, Smith is the youngest actor to play the role.

In addition to a new star, the lead producer and writer ("showrunner" as they are called in the UK) has been changed with writer Stephen Moffat, who penned the mini-series Jekyll, as well as previous Who episodes such as "Blink" and "The Girl in the Fireplace."

The story opens with the Doctor's TARDIS crashing through time (and the skies of London) before crash landing just outside the home of Amelia Pond, a little girl who lives in Leadworth, England. Amelia has been concerned about a crack in her bedroom wall, and observing it, the Doctor, who is still recovering from his recent regeneration, discovers that it is a crack in time and space, and deduces that it leads to a prison. A giant eye is seen in the crack, claiming that "Prisoner Zero has escaped." Before the Doctor can do anything else, he discovers the TARDIS will self-destruct unless he vents the engine by taking a quick travel through time. He promises Amelia to return in five minutes.

When the Doctor returns, he can't find anyone in the house, until he is unexpectedly hit with a cricket bat. Recovering from the blow, he discovers the resident, who tells him Amelia moved out six months ago. Soon, he exposes the presence of Prisoner Zero, a serpentine multiform alien who soon assumes the shape of a man and a dog. The Doctor manages to make the new homeowner let him go, and they both run out before the Doctor realizes the shed the TARDIS had destroyed on his first visit has been replaced. He quickly deduces that it has been there twelve years. Amelia is now Amy Pond, a "kissogram."

Amy and the Doctor quickly discover that all radios and televisions are broadcasting the message "Prisoner Zero will vacate the human residence, or the human residence will be incinerated." The Doctor realizes that the aliens, a space police force called the Atraxi, are referring to the Earth. With only twenty minutes to spare, the Doctor must find Prisoner Zero and make the Atraxi take him, or it's the end of the world.

"The Eleventh Hour" offers some excellent writing, if this is your kind of show. Though the episode runs at a special length to introduce the new Doctor, his new companion Amy, his redesigned TARDIS (a time machine/space ship that looks like a common 1950's police call box on the outside), and the new sonic screwdriver, it manages to retain a tight plot, and keep the audience interested.

Matt Smith is excellent as the Doctor, bursting with energy, keeping a keen eye for investigation to rival Sherlock Holmes, and yet, he manages to feel like a continuation of the same character fans have been watching all along. Karen Gillan as Amy Pond is also amazing, and very easy on the eyes. Amy is strong willed, and even when she gets into a tight spot, manages to not feel like the typical damsel in distress. (Particularly as her boyfriend happens to be in the same tight spot.) Gillan's cousin Caitlin Blackwood plays the younger Amelia, and does it amazingly well for a child actress, setting up the strong companion who we'll see later.

If you've been a fan of Doctor Who for years, you will love this episode. If you're just curious, I think this would be a good episode to start with.

Why I Don't Write Here Often

2010-03-19T17:18:00.002-06:00

I've felt a little bad that I don't write many blogs here, but upon recent consideration, I thought about why.

When I started writing personal blogs, it was while I was living alone, so I didn't have someone I could really talk about my life with. Yes, there was the phone, my friends from church, and occasional visits from family, but blogging offered a tourniquet for lack of someone to talk to.

As I got into Twitter, it became easier for me to say what I was thinking (or random stuff) as I wanted to. (That's why I set up a service to post my daily tweets here, but for some reason, it stopped working.)

But now that I live with family, I now have people I can talk with who'll listen, and who can talk with me, like normal people.

I'll try to keep this blog active, but I doubt it'll ever be what it was.

Six Impossible Things Before Breakfast

2010-03-10T17:58:00.003-06:00

Here are six impossible things to believe about the new Disney movie Alice in Wonderland.

1. Tim Burton actually wanted to do it like this.
Given that he signed on after the screenplay was written and it was part of a two-movie deal, the other being a remake of his own Frankenweenie, I'm guessing he actually has his heart set on the latter.

2. The characters really fit those names and personalities!
The Mad Hatter's name is Tarrant Hightop? The Cheshire Cat is Chessur? The Caterpillar's name is Absalom? Wait, that's actually a real name... Let's call that Absolem. They sound pretty contrived to me. All the characters seemed distant and unconcerned with Alice in the books, with many notable exceptions in Through the Looking-Glass, but here they're all obsessed over her.

3. It's about time Alice faced the Jabberwocky!
It's "The Jabberwock," and it is entirely possible that the Jabberwock in the book was fiction within fiction. How on earth did he wind up with the Red Queen, and why was Christopher Lee just thrown in? Alice also faced the Jabberwock(y) in the 1985 television adaptation of the Alice books starring Natalie Gregory, and also in a very poorly done animated adaptation of Through the Looking-Glass that was released straight to video.

4. Alice becoming a feminist is completely believable!
A little reveal at the end about Alice's future was completely unrealistic for the 19th century. In addition, Alice's mother notes early on that Alice is not wearing her stockings or corset. While Carroll's Alice is only seven and a half at the oldest, her society would dictate that she likely wouldn't have grown up like that.

5. Combining the Red Queen and the Queen of Hearts was natural!
The film's Red Queen is basically the Queen of Hearts with a name change, and even more bloodthirsty, as it's even shown that she had the King of Hearts/the Red King executed, as his crowned head is seen in her moat. The Queen of Hearts wasn't that bad in the book, she only ordered executions we were told were never carried out. The Red Queen is a prim and agreeable woman who even helps Alice get started in the chess game. Moreover, the cleverness of the Cards' suits and the chess motif is completely lost here and just used as framing.

6. Carroll would approve.
I understand actually creating a plot and giving Alice a goal more substantial than getting into a beautiful garden or becoming a queen, but as I've shown above, the characterizations were not completely accurate. The plot is even more escapist than Carroll's books, as Alice runs away from a marriage proposal before going down the rabbit hole again so she can slay the Jabberwocky, defeating the Red Queen, so she can get the courage to give her honest answer.

However, this was actually a good movie. These points will mainly get to people who are very familiar with the Alice books or some of the earlier adaptations. I almost wish I wasn't so familiar with them so I could have just taken it on its own.

While I did have some issues with the plot (the epilogue screams "Disney!), for the most part, it was a good plot. However, some characters were greatly underused as others were overused. And why couldn't we have seen more of the characters who were not in the previous Disney movie? Would it kill Disney to show us the Duchess, her Cook, the pig baby, the Mouse with a sad tail, the Gryphon, the Mock Turtle, the White Knight, Humpty Dumpty, the Lion and the Unicorn, or the rest?

The CG was well-done. However, due to its overuse in many recent films, we can spot it. Here, there is CG in every Wonderland scene, Wikipedia estimating that 90% of the movie is CG. Thanks, Tim Burton, for calling it "animation," because that's what it really is.

Danny Elfman did a great job on the music, but I wish he'd also done the music for the end credits, rather than that Avril Lavigne song. It doesn't fit the rest of the movie at all.

Anyways, if you're curious or think you can take it for what it is, by all means, spend a little time in Underland. (Yeah, they changed that, too.)

A long overdue blog...

2010-02-17T12:00:00.000-06:00

So, remember that blog I wrote back in October? Well, I'm living with Audrey and Shaun now. I don't have as much space as I used to, and come spring, we're having a yard sale where I'll part with a couple bits of furniture that I can't use and we couldn't discard. (My old recliner and couch were in very bad shape, so we threw them away.) I did downsize some of my book collection, but there is a couple boxes of books stored away that I didn't have room for on my shelf. (And as it usually goes for me, now there's even more books!)

Although I did try to find a closer job, I am still at my old job. This means it takes two and a half hours for me to get to work in the morning by bus, meaning I get up at some very early times, as early as 4 AM.

Audrey and Shaun are excellent housemates, people who you can talk to about your problems and all. They're also very open about their sex life...

In our home, aside from us three humans, we have three dogs, two cats, and one of them recently had five kittens. (Jack, my cat, was sadly not getting along, so we had to give him to a friend in the country.) In addition to this zoo, from December to very early February, we also took in my little brother Arthur and our younger sister (who is older than Arthur), because my parents' home had issues that the State expressed concern over. As they're already having enough trouble getting my little brother Daniel back, we figured we would help out.

What happened is best expressed in an e-mail I sent to a friend:

Gen and Arthur are gone. Mom and Dad called Audrey and Shaun today and just came and took them. Basically, she doesn't trust us. Genevieve posted a weird reference to (500) Days Of Summer (something about randomly shouting "penis") on Facebook, and Mom saw it. I mentioned in a now-deleted Facebook status that I'd gotten Arthur hooked on Doctor Who and it's spin-offs. I guess she assumed we were showing them some perverted stuff, and if she doesn't think Doctor Who is New Age or some crap, that they were watching TV more than doing their schoolwork or something.

Now get this: we had Gen and Arthur for the better part of two whole months. The whole point of us taking them in was so they'd be out of the way so Mom and Dad could get the house in better condition or that they could find a better living situation. Shaun asked them about it when they came to pick them up, and the answer was an evasive "nothing has been done." And part of the concern was how warm the house was. They're expecting a foot of snow in a week!

From the way it's looking, they're not going to get Daniel back. And after that, the state will set their sights on Arthur, and maybe Gen. (She'll be 17 then, that's why she's a maybe.) We took in Gen and Arthur, not expecting anything in return. What do we get? Not even a thank you, not even a chance to properly say good-bye, and certainly no financial compensation. Just a big, evasive, "We don't trust you anymore."

Guess what? We helped Gen and Arthur mature as teenagers, because we are still quite young adults, so we can relate and offer advice. They were exercising daily, they had a healthy, low-calorie diet that all of us were on, and they were doing their school work before they were allowed to watch TV and use the computer. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT???

Yeah... We're getting over it, but we're still pretty sore about it.

La Llorona

2010-01-06T14:10:00.000-06:00

This story is commonly told in Spanish-speaking communities, with many variants.

Juan made it into the pueblo shortly after nightfall. He began to look for a taberna, as he wanted to relax after his journey. He soon found one, and went inside.

Inside, Juan bought a mug of cerveza and sat down. Outside, he and other patrons heard a low wail outside. It almost sounded like someone crying.

"It's the wail of La Llorona," said an old man not too far from Juan.

"Who is La Llorona?"

"It's not a happy tale," said the old man. "She was a viuda (widow) who had two hijos (children). In time, she met a rich ranchero, who fell in love with her, but he could not marry her. He wanted their own children to be his heirs, but with her children in the way, they would be first in line.

"The woman thought about this until she went mad. Finally, she drowned her children in the river and ran to tell her lover what she had done. He was horrorizado (terrfied) of what she had done. He went to inform the authorities. The woman ran back to the river."

The old man took another drink.

"And what happened then?" asked Juan.

"I'm not too sure. Some say that the river had washed the bodies away, and she thought maybe they'd crawled out of the water, so she searched for them, until she went mad and finally died. Others say the bodies were still there when she returned, so she went mad and died then.

"All stories say she died, mad with pena (sorrow) for her children and her lost love. And now, they say La Llorona, the crying woman, searches for her children along waterways at night. And they say, that if you have been a sinner, she will come to you, looking as beautiful as she did in life, but when you are too close to escape, her face becomes like a dead corpse, and she will take your soul and leave your body cold and empty."

Juan laughed. "Sounds like a tale to scare the little ones with."

"Perhaps," chuckled the old man.

Juan had another drink and stumbled out of the taberna. As he wandered off to find an inn, he came close to the river. How hard the wind was blowing, whistling in his ears. As he looked down the stream, he saw a woman in a white dress.

"I think she needs help," he thought. He walked down the river to help her. How pretty she seemed.

He tapped her on the shoulder.

"All you all right, mujer (woman)?" he asked.

The woman turned around to face him. As she did, her face faded to a rotting, disgusting face, her eyes and nose having been eaten away by maggots that were still in her face.

"Mi hijo! (My son!)" she cried.

And Juan tried to run, except he realized he was no longer on the ground. As he looked down, he saw his body falling over. He looked up at La Lorona.

She was beautiful again, but she was also crying. Her wailing echoed through the night as they flew into the moon.

Twilight

2009-12-02T08:40:00.002-06:00

With the film version of New Moon, the sequel to Twilight, raking in the cash, I'm left wondering where that money came from, because it's enough to get the country out of the economic crisis. (Okay, probably not... But it sure seems like it!)

Now me, I haven't read any of the books or seen the movies. I don't even want to. What irks me is how insanely popular the series is and how insanely devoted the fans are, so the media buzz has been non-stop. I'd be in the same boat about Harry Potter, but at least the media buzz only happened when a new book or movie came (or comes) out in that franchise.

I heard about Twilight from friends on MySpace, who mentioned it in statuses and bulletins. Then, there were comments on a YouTube fan video I'd made. Note: the video was Rebbecca St. James' song Lion matched with clips from The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe. (Why? Because the song was on the album Music Inspired By The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe, and had actually been written for that album, and EMI and Disney are both YouTube partners, so there'd be no problems with the video.)

Someone thought the song fit Twilight, and at first I shrugged it off. Then, after reading more comments, someone mentioned Twilight was about romantic vampires. I commented that I doubted Rebbecca St. James, a Christian music artist, would license her song for that. And then came the hate. Seriously, these insane Twilight fans started criticizing me for not making the video a Twilight video, "because that's what the song matches."

Some even claimed it didn't fit Narnia. I mentioned that I did it because the song was on a Narnia album, and if people didn't like that it wasn't a Twilight video, then they could make their own. Some idiot seriously replied "Making videos is a waste of my time." I thought, "So trolling on YouTube videos isn't?"

Finally, I was sick of it, and disabled comments and ratings. If people couldn't civilly enjoy my video for what it was, that was their problem and not mine. Narnia fans who could appreciate my videos sent their comments as comments on my channel and as personal messages, which I didn't mind.

Honestly, romantic vampires? How messed up is this? And reading a bit more online, it sounds like it gets even crazier. Sparkling bodies, and werewolves who transform at will.

Watching a commercial for New Moon on television, my sister remarked "Why can't this Bella girl get a normal guy? She's dating vampires and werewolves!" Her husband replied that in the next one, she could date a mummy. "He'd be pre-wrapped."

I've seen lots of comments that the books aren't that good and neither are the movies. ("So, Edward and Jacob take their shirts off, but Bella doesn't? What good is that?" "Yeah...") This could be proof that people do enjoy crap, but try getting them to admit that. Rather, it seems, people like Twilight because they like to fantasize about being intimate with the Supernatural... Or Edward Cullen is the hottest guy ever. (And if that one scene I saw on TV of Robert Pattinson taking his shirt off is how that looks, girls have LOW standards...)

It's not healthy to long after a person who does not exist or is dead. Fantasizing is not bad in moderation, but obsession is not good. As an Oz fan, I run across people who wish they were Princess Ozma's boyfriend or husband. (I actually own a book where a thinly-veiled Gary Stu becomes involved with Ozma.) Jonathan Ian Mathers, writer, voice actor and animator of the popular internet cartoon "Neurotically Yours" has often expressed concern at the amount of nude fan art of his female former Goth character Germaine. (Main character Foamy shouts, "stop sending me nude pictures of Germaine! There's 80 gigs of them on my hard drive!")

I've never been much of one for vampires, but I want my vampires scary, and if they're not, they should be aware that normal relationships are impossible. (If they're immortal, people they love will grow, age, and die while they remain the same.) After seeing the BBC's Being Human, I kind of got a fondness for werewolves, and also love the film An American Werewolf in London. In both, being a werewolf is a curse. It's not fun, and they have no control over what happens to them under the full moon or what they'll do. (They can control where they'll be, for example, in Being Human, George makes sure he transforms in an enclosed room or in the woods.)

I wouldn't care if the Twilight fans and media buzz could be easily tuned out by those who aren't interested, but it's not. Instead, it's force fed to us almost everyday. It's maddening!

Return to the Hundred Acre Wood

2009-10-24T19:04:00.003-05:00

I loved A.A. Milne's Winnie-the-Pooh series when I was young. In fact, The House At Pooh Corner was the first full-length book I ever read. The stories of a little boy who was actually playing with his toys and woodland animals in his imagination are certainly quite charming. That led on to my reading other books, and many of the childhood classics I enjoyed so have become treasured pieces in my library.

Many of the books I've loved have had sequels written since: Peter And Wendy has been followed with the film Hook and the book Peter Pan in Scarlet, The Chronicles of Narnia were followed by an ill-fated and largely forgotten book called The Giant Surprise, goodness knows how many people have written further adventures for Alice and the Wonderland and Looking-Glass characters, and similarly, there is a countless number of further adventures in the Land of Oz written after L. Frank Baum's death. Many of these books feel like poor imitations of the initial author's style.

When I discovered that the Milne estate had authorized a new Winnie-the-Pooh book, I was interested, though put off a bit. I largely forgot about it, however. Finally, earlier this week, I found the book at a local supermarket while looking for a card. (Coincidentally, I had settled on a Pooh-themed card.) Thumbing through it, it piqued my interest. I rarely buy books off the rack (in fact, most of my books were collected through online orders), but I did this time.

I couldn't get my hopes up too high. As A.A. Milne and his son Christopher Robin Milne are dead, likely the executors of the estate could only do so much. There will never be another A.A. Milne, and though there are some impressive imitators, there will never be another E.H. Shepard.

I was surprised at the opening note, which featured the author, David Benedictus, conversing with the Pooh characters about the writing of the book, gloomy Eeyore claiming that he would not get it right.

And how did Benedictus do?

Ultimately, Eeyore was right. As I said, there will never be another A.A. Milne. While the stories were good and very fun to read, they lacked Milne's charm and the wit that flew over my head as a child but I picked up on when I was older.

That is not to say the stories are without charm, but it is completely Benedictus'. Some tones were different, for example, while death is not addressed directly in Milne, Bendictus' Owl mentions he has his Uncle Robert's ashes in a vase on his mantle, and they were scattered (and mostly recollected) when Owl's house blew over in The House At Pooh Corner.

Some of the humor was a little odd, for example, in a cricket game, when Christopher Robin explains that England and Australia have had cricket tournaments against each other, Kanga says that she and Roo will represent Australia. I didn't pick up on this a bit, then realized that of course, one of Australia's most iconic animals is the kangaroo.

Christopher Robin left the Hundred Acre Wood at the end of The House At Pooh Corner to go to school, but Return to the Hundred Acre Wood finds him returning to his friends from the original books, presumably on Summer holiday. New adventures and endeavors are had by the characters, and we meet a new character, in the tradition of Milne. (Kanga and Roo were newcomers to the Forest in Winnie-the-Pooh and Tigger arrives in The House At Pooh Corner.)

The new character is Lottie the Otter, a rather proud and haughty creature who comes off as a bit modern, but eventually, I forgot she was a new character and let her go ahead and join my old favorites.

Mark Burgess' illustrations are lovely tributes to how E.H. Shepard "decorated" the original books. They closely follow Shepard's original designs, while Burgess adds his own style.

Overall, if you can overlook that this is someone who isn't A.A. Milne writing Pooh stories (which, seeing how Disney's popular sugar-coated version has been expanded upon, it's not really the first time), Return to the Hundred Acre Wood is worth a read. I wouldn't mind giving it to a niece or nephew, after they had enjoyed Milne's original works.

I don't write here often enough...

2009-10-14T20:27:00.002-05:00

SO... Audrey and Shaun offered to let me move in with them. Thinking it over, I decided it would be a good idea. I could help them out, and my own bills would be greatly reduced. Pretty much, all I'd have to do is get a cell phone to replace my current phone service. Also, if I ever wanted to travel, no worrying about "Who'll take care of Jack?"

My biggest problem has been my work situation. While I could easily transfer, I'd prefer not to. I love the people I work with and it wouldn't feel right, doing the same work for different people.

So, today Shaun took me around to seven places and I filled out applications for them all. They were...

Sam's Club
Rapid Robert's
Movie Gallery
Dillon's
Pet Warehouse
Price Cutter
Harter House

I'm kind of hoping for Sam's or Movie Gallery. But if I don't hear anything from them soon, I'll just transfer. Probably my best bet would be Price Cutter, as I actually worked at a Price Cutter before. That work experience would probably also increase my chances at Sam's, Harter House, or Dillon's.

Now to break the news to the folks at work...

A Sad Event

2009-09-21T18:28:00.002-05:00

Last Saturday, Audrey called me almost midnight to tell me she'd miscarried. Knowing that that meant her baby had died, I immediately asked if she was all right. She said she was, but I know she's still dealing with it. She and Shaun are sticking together to heal together.

Not only is this a death, but they wanted a child so much. This is also them putting aside the preparation, the excitement, and the expectation of having a child.

Bad things happen, but life goes on.

Gift idea!

2009-09-19T17:45:00.002-05:00

Stuck for a Christmas gift? Books are always good! But what if there aren't any editions out there that you can afford that are gift-worthy?

Here's a solution!

There are hundreds of books in the public domain out there, and many are online. Texts can be obtained easily from Project Gutenberg, and some illustrated editions are available from Google Books and Internet Archive. Also, sometimes a Google search can turn up illustrations.

If you have software that can format books, you're good to go! Just a bit of know-how can create good-looking editions of books.

Be sure that you aren't just creating a print-out of the book's text. Although it will require a bit of work, try fixing the paragraph margins for the book. They're done quite differently from webpages in a book. Make sure your text looks decent, and add a title page. (You can also try adding a table of contents.)

If you want to save your work as a PDF, the free software Open Office supports PDF creation, which many print-on-demand publishers will accept.

Try to keep a small page size (as in inches) when formatting your book. Smaller books are easier to wrap and more portable. You may want to visit some of the sites described in the next paragraph to determine a good size for your book.

Now, upload your finished file to a print-on-demand publishing site. Lulu.com is a good source for this. You will usually have to create a cover separate from the book, and Lulu offers a cover designer.

If everything you used is clearly legal, you can even use the site to sell copies of the book. (Remember, copies you buy will be at cost.)

I must remind you: be sure the text and any images and other material you use is public domain where you live. What is public domain in one country may not be elsewhere. If not, if the copyright owners find out, you could be in serious trouble, especially if you try to sell copies of your edition.

Although I mentioned Google Books and Archive.org, not every piece of material has been cleared for use commercially. If they discovered you used their material, you could also be in trouble. Using these would probably be all right if you're printing up a copy for a gift, but if you're trying to sell it, make sure the version you have does not prohibit commercial use. Having warned you, if you get in trouble for this, I take no responsibility. People worked to get those online for everyone to enjoy. If they don't want you to profit from their work, that is their choice.

Also, if you're using illustrations you found online, be sure that they're okay to use in print. Just because it's online, does not mean it's free to use.

So, with a little bit of care, you could have a nice book to give to someone special!

Being Human Again

2009-09-01T09:00:00.000-05:00

So, last Saturday night, BBC America concluded their initial airing of Being Human, the supernatural drama that was a big hit in the UK early this year.

Despite blurred middle fingers and bums, muted profanity, and some cut shots, the series was still able to shine and entertain. I was lucky enough to see the uncut British version before the BBC America began their airing. (So why did I watch it on TV? To show my support and see just how it was cut for America.)

Ignoring the pilot that's been pulled from syndication in the UK and is officially unreleased in the US, the series stands on it's own. Episode one begins with a monologue from Annie, a young woman who died under mysterious circumstances by falling down the stairs in her home. As she haunts her former home, we are introduced to Mitchell, a vampire who was converted in World War I to prevent the other men in his troop from becoming vampire fodder, and George, a neurotic young man who was attacked by a werewolf while vacationing in Scotland, and now changes into a werewolf under the full moon.

Unseen at present, George and Mitchell have become friends (odd, since vampires usually hate werewolves) and move into Annie's old home. It is only a matter of time before Annie introduces herself to the new tenants.

George and Mitchell have decided to try to slip into normal human society. George is careful about where he is when he transforms every month, usually in the woods, where he will likely only kill wild animals in his wolf form, and later, in an enclosed room. Mitchell is trying to wean himself off of blood, and is often seen snacking on food throughout the series.

Annie, however, is trying to discover how she died and why she's still around. To her delight, Mitchell and George can always see her, as they are supernatural, but normal humans can only see her when she is completely self-confident.

Spoilers

Episode one throws the viewer into lives of the trio (okay, two lives and an afterlife), as George is forced to stay at home as he transforms, Annie discovers her fiance is dating the woman she dreaded that he would turn to, and Mitchell must deal with Lauren, a young woman he made into a vampire during the opening monologue, and later, other vampires appear to make life difficult for Mitchell and his friends: the leader of the vampires Herrick, and Seth, a vampire who hides as an undertaker, ready to cart new vampire recruits to the vampire headquarters. (Placed in a funeral parlor, a device so cliche, even the characters comment on it.)

In episode two George discovers another werewolf, Tully, who moves in with the trio, as a mentor to George. However, he quickly becomes a pain, and despite his initial chumminess with Mitchell and charming Annie, alienates everyone but George. Tully eventually reveals a secret to George that makes George decide to end the friendship with his mentor and return home.

Episode three finds Annie struggling with her anxiety, and Mitchell and George introduce her to Gilbert, a guy who died in the 1980's, who tries to help Annie deal with her afterlife and possibly discover why she hasn't "crossed over." However, it results in her discovering the circumstances of her death. Meanwhile, George develops a romantic relationship with coworker Nina, while Mitchell tries to help Lauren with her blood addiction.

Episode four finds Mitchell attempting to befriend Bernie, a neighborhood boy, but when Mitchell accidentally loans him a vampire snuff video, the entire community thinks George and Mitchell are pedophiles, which sours Mitchell's desire to join humanity, and complicates George's relationship with Nina. Meanwhile, Annie discovers that her emotional turmoil over her death has led to poltergeist activity, and she tries to control it.

Episode five finds Mitchell joining the vampires again, helping them with their plan to convert the world to vampires, but an old flame and George and Annie help him see the vampires' true plan. George overcomes some of his hesitation to act, while Annie confronts her murderer.

In episode six, deciding to end the vampires' hold over him once and for all, Mitchell challenges Herrick to a fight. George, however, sees this as his opportunity to pay Mitchell back for the moment that they met: Mitchell saving George from being beaten to death by other vampires.

While some viewers want to nitpick about details they didn't catch, I found the entire series well-written and strung together very well. Character story arcs occur through the series, for example, in episode one, George expresses his disgust at Annie's presence, but in episode five, when Annie decides to resolve her death, George tells her that he doesn't want her to leave, now that he and Mitchell have been her friends.

Each episode consistently keeps a theme going in all the story threads. Fans have decided that the six episodes present the themes of death, friendship, love, identity, relationships, and resolutions.

Some American fans have criticized the series for it's short run. I think, however, that a short series helps the episodes become more plot driven, as opposed to American shows that often turn to fluffy subplots.

The acting is also terrific, from the leads to the secondary characters to the one episode-only characters. Just another reason to love it. One actor who plays a secondary character makes his character fairly likable in the first couple episodes, but later manages to act so evil, it was just amazing!

I'm still loving just how good this show is!

I'm A Monkey's Uncle...

2009-09-01T08:56:00.003-05:00

This is my niece, Amber. (With her aunt Audrey and her dad, my brother Aaron.)

And yesterday, I scanned in Audrey's first ultrasound photos. Yes, she's pregnant. And according to the doctor, they conceived on the wedding night.

I've nicknamed Amber "Crazy Monkey Girl" because of her energy that always comes with kids that young. When Audrey told me that she was pregnant, I commented, "Well, there's another crazy monkey kid for me to be an uncle to... and it has a crazy monkey father."

Toddlers and Plastic Surgery

2009-08-21T18:58:00.003-05:00

My sister posted this on a Facebook note. I agree...

As I was enjoying my wonderful day off, waiting for my husband to wake up from working overnight on thursday, I usually find myself online discussing things with friends over instant messaging, texting and so on. We often share things such as things we are looking up or watching and in this certain case, topics on papers being written for school.

When we think of plastic surgery, usually we see:
A) Someone with the most absolutely stunning body type who is flawless in all being.
B) Botox, no one wants to have wrinkly skin!
C) Liposuction, Nose Jobs, Chin Implants, Breast Reduction, Breast Enhancement
D) Hair Transplant, for people going bald or have thinning hair
Just to name off a few.

No one thinks about plastic surgery and suddenly thinks, "Oh! I should have my toddler go through that because they have a jelly roll!"

You heard me. Toddler.

I got sent a link to the most disturbing thing I have ever EVER seen on webmd.com.
COSTMERIC SURGERY FOR TODDLERS

Who in their right frame of mind would do such a thing? Made me sick. The article goes as follows, and I guess there is a book as well:
On Mothers Day, a new book called My Beautiful Mommy will be (self) published by a plastic surgeon. It's a picture book for young children that explains the ins and outs of Mommy's impending tummy tuck and nose job.
This book has generated a lot of controversy and got me thinking about children's notions of physical beauty. It also led me to a brilliant idea, which I unveil here for the first time.

**********

First, let's consider toddlers' views on what makes a person beautiful. Let's be honest, isn't it annoying how clueless they are of true standards of beauty? All children seem to think, for example, that their moms are beautiful, even if she has a big nose or sagging skin...or worse.
I ask you: is this a healthy viewpoint? If we don't teach our toddlers otherwise, won't they take this misguided view of beauty into later childhood, even adulthood? Imagine the consequences to society if everyone was considered beautiful in his/her own way.
And should we be praising toddlers for how they look, when they invariably possess offensive pot bellies and gross rolls of 'baby fat'? Give me a break. Who really likes a big fat stomach on any human of any age? You don't like one on yourself, why should you on a child? Imagine the let-down in store for them when their cherished jelly bellies become objects of ridicule by their peers!
No, far better to 1) to teach them the real standards of beauty from early on (hence: My Beautiful Mommy), and 2) at the same time help them to achieve that ideal of beauty with the help of modern medicine (hence: my brilliancy).

**********

As I thought more about this book, I realized that there's simply no excuse in this day and age for you not to be a beautiful mommy or for you to have a pug-ugly toddler. Welcome to Dr. P's Spa for Toddler Cosmetic Surgery, offering a full range of beautification services for the little ones:

-Liposuction to tuck in that protruding stomach! I have already spoken of the long-term horrors of the jelly belly.
-Hair transplants for that wispy hair. Your toddler isn't an old man. Why should his hair look like it belongs to one?
-Nose jobs (a "mini bob"). True, most toddler noses haven't yet achieved their full offensive size and shape, but there are numerous asymmetries and improper angles. A little tweaking could render them absolutely perfect.
-Shaving a few inches off thunder thighs. This also promotes walking without inter-thigh friction, which can cause unsightly rashes and an unsteady gait.
-Male member enlargement. As a man, I find toddlers' tiny weenies to be disgraceful.
-Implants (saline, not silicone - I am all about health) in girls for their pathetically undeveloped breasts. Eventually she will have to deal with womanly breasts - why not learn to manage them well before the inevitable shock of puberty?
-A butt lift. Let's be honest, on whom does a big butt ever look good? And diapers only add to their apparent heft!
-Botox to make their eyes larger. Nothing is worse in my book than beady-eyed toddlers. They look so untrustworthy.

**********

The benefits of my modest proposal will already be obvious to you. It will, for example, be easier for parents to love a cosmetically perfect child than a flawed one, so parent-child bonding will be enhanced. Other kids will admire and respect your surgically perfected child, whose social cache will skyrocket. And proper values will have been instilled from an early age.
So, watch for the grand opening of Dr. P's Spa for Toddler Cosmetic Surgery. In my humble opinion, sure to be the next great 21st century advancement in pediatric care.
http://blogs.webmd.com/healthy-children/2008/04/cosmetic-surgery-for-toddlers.html
___________

I know this is going to sound completely horrible, but I am kinda thankful the guy that wrote that has passed on. Who would think such a thing about little children? Seriously. What should it matter to human eye anyway? A child is beautiful in the way they were made for they were made in Gods image:
Genesis 1:27
-So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

I love the way children see things, there isn't any imperfections or doubts or regrets or worries. There is complete adoration and compassionate love for people. I wish somedays we could revert back to that child like state and see everything as they do because then really to be honest, we would love everything a lot deeper and see things as God made us to see them. Not to pick out every tiny aspect of what is wrong, but to just love it whole heartedly for the natural beauty that it has. Wouldn't that be completely awesome?

Is this how unhealthily obsessed with beauty our culture has become?

Cable

2009-08-04T20:49:00.002-05:00

So, when I heard Being Human was going to be on BBC America, I considered getting cable or satellite service. I finally decided to, since I'd surely find something interesting to watch. (Seriously, after the season finales of Family Guy and The Simpsons, I didn't turn on my digital converter box.) I contacted my phone and Internet provider, AT&T. They work with DirectTV for their TV service, so I applied there.

It turns out DirectTV will check your credit history. I've posted before that either my credit was marred by an evil company that no longer exists, or I have unestablished credit. So, after applying, I was contacted, saying that more information was needed, and I would need to call them to provide it. The next morning, I was on hold for 49 minutes before I decided that I needed to call back later, as I had to go to work. When I got home from work, I was on hold for another 20 minutes before my call was answered, and they confirmed my suspicion: they had an issue with my credit history. Never mind me paying AT&T's phone and internet bills on time consistently for over 2 years, they wanted me to pay an additional $200 up front. That's over half of my monthly apartment rent. I told them to cancel the order, if I decided I wanted to pursue service with them, I'd apply again.

I looked into DishNetwork, but their first package with BBC America included was $70 a month at the introductory price.

I tried Mediacom, but the only website I could find for them on Google said my address was ineligible for Mediacom service. For some reason, I called Shaun, who was, at the time, Audrey's fiancee, and he suggested I call them, since they knew some of my neighbors had Mediacom service.

I didn't get a chance to call Mediacom until the next day. Instead of asking me for my credit history or making me hold for over a half hour (with hold music that was actually listenable), they answered my call in a reasonable time and we selected a package and they arranged a time for them to come over. The up front cost would be $85. (An additional $10 bill came later.)

The day we set, they didn't make me wait hours and hours, but came about 10:30 AM, and got my set up quickly. Due to a short cord and only one cable outlet, I had to move my TV to my living room again. (Recently, I got a 100-foot coaxial cable that restored the location to my office.)

After having cable for over 3 weeks, there are some shows that I enjoy seeing. The only ones I watch regularly are Being Human and The Smoking Gun Presents World's Dumbest. (Get a lot of B-list celebrities to comment on video footage. It's hilarious!) I'll tune into re-runs of The Cosby Show, The Andy Griffith Show, and other shows I have fond memories of. Sometimes I'll find something I'd be interested in, but not enough for me to keep the TV on all the time.

I did find a few other shows on BBC America that sparked some interest. The UK version (which is actually the original version) of Antiques Roadshow was a lot more enjoyable than the US version, given it had an outdoor environment and the appraisers have some attitude. A show that airs right before seemed a little similar: Cash in the Attic. Appraisers visit someone's home to look for valuable old items to sell at auction to help the homeowner raise funds for a project they're attempting. And I also decided to see what was in this Doctor Who thing that I'd heard of so much by watching the US premiere of Planet of the Dead. I enjoyed it. I've read a lot of comments that it wasn't the best episode and was rather weak, but as I'd had no previous experience with the Doctor Who franchise (that I'd read up on a little bit on Wikipedia first), it was an okay "Doctor Who 101."

All I can say is that, I'm satisfied with the service, and am considering switching my internet over to Mediacom, too.

Mr. & Mrs. O'Donnell

2009-07-19T10:56:00.002-05:00

Yes, so my sister Audrey and Shaun were married yesterday in a ceremony that somehow did not get major drama from our family.

Audrey and I practically grew up together. We shared the same bedroom most of our lives, we played together, when we got older, we eventually made a DVD library together and then we both moved out shortly after Audrey turned 18.

A few months into living on our own, we decided we could afford to get home internet access, and this is when Audrey met Shaun on DoULike.com. After this, they began to Instant Message, e-mail, interact on MySpace, and make phone calls. This is not to say their relationship went smoothly. But what did happen they were able to work out and forgive each other for.

Eventually, Audrey decided to go visit Shaun in Derby, Kansas, and not too long after returning home, he asked her to move in with him. I was losing my sister, my roommate, and the person who helped pay the bills. If anyone had a right to feel mad at her leaving, it was me. But I didn't. I just decided to step back and let her go.

I was thrilled to hear that Shaun proposed to Audrey on Valentine's Day, and she of course said "Yes." They moved back to Springfield in September, 2008, and started renting their own home shortly after the New Year.

Shaun and Audrey did visit Springfield a couple times before moving back, and I was glad to meet Shaun. He got along with most of my family, except Mom, who has recently decided to accept him as Audrey's husband. (Yes!) In later time, Shaun felt like a brother to me, Genevieve, and Aaron, and Drew, Arthur, and Daniel liked him well enough.

As the wedding drew closer, stress got worse for Audrey and Shaun, particularly in the financial area. However, with some careful saving and shopping, and help from Shaun's family, Aaron and Jessica, and a bit from myself (paying for my own tux rental and helping with Dad's), they managed to get through.

They've been through a lot already and have stuck through it. Let's hope they keep it up. Shaun Christopher Patrick O'Donnell and Audrey Marie Angelique O'Donnell, may you have the happiest life together.

Putting things in perspective

2009-07-11T23:01:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure my readers will agree with this 100%, but I decided to re-post it here.

THIS WAS WRITTEN BY A SOLDIER IN IRAQ.
Okay, I need to rant.

I was just watching the news, and I caught part of a report on Michael Jackson. As we all know, Jackson died the other day. He was an entertainer who performed for decades. He made millions, he spent millions, and he did a lot of things that make him a villian to many people. I understand that his death would affect a lot of people, and I respect those people who mourn his death, but that isn't the point of my rant.

Why is it that when ONE man dies, the whole of America loses their minds with grief. When a man dies whose only contribution to the country was to ENTERTAIN people, the Amercian people find the need to flock to a memorial in Hollywood, and even Congress sees the need to hold a "moment of silence" for his passing?

Am I missing something here? ONE man dies, and all of a sudden he's a freaking martyr because he entertained us for a few decades? What about all those SOLDIERS who have died to give us freedom? All those Soldiers who, knowing that they would be asked to fight in a war, still raised their hands and swore to defend the Constitution and the United States of America. Where is there moment of silence? Where are the people flocking to their graves or memorials and mourning over
them because they made the ultimate sacrifice? Why is it when a Soldier dies, there are more people saying "good riddance," and "thank God for IEDs?" When did this country become so calloused to the sacrifice of GOOD MEN and WOMEN, that they can arbitrarily blow off thier deaths, and instead, throw themselves into mourning for a "Pop Icon?"

I think that if they are going to hold a moment of silence IN CONGRESS for Michael Jackson, they need to hold a moment of silence for every service member killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. They need to PUBLICLY recognize every life that has been lost so that the American people can live their callous little lives in the luxury and freedom that WE, those that are living and those that have gone on, have provided for them. But, wait, that would take too much time, because there have been so many willing to make that sacrifice. After all, we will never make millions of dollars. We will never star in movies, or write hit songs that the world will listen to. We only shed our blood, sweat, and tears so that people can enjoy what they have.

Sorry if I have offended, but I needed to say it. Feel free to pass this along if you want.

Remember these five words the next time you think of someone who is serving in the military;
"So that others may live..."

--
An American Soldier

Only two people have ever effectively given their lives for you.
Jesus Christ and The American G.I.
One died for your sins, the other died to give you freedom.

Famous People Dying

2009-06-28T14:23:00.002-05:00

I guess with the death of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett on Thursday, I'm no longer the only one noticing the high number of celebrities dying. Ed McMahon died the same day, and I just read that Billy Mays died today. You know, he was that guy selling some kind of cleaning product like OxyClean, booming a big voice.

Here's an example:

But Shaun's friend Nick just posted this on Facebook:

THAT'S RIGHT! THERE'S A NEW WAY TO GET CAT HAIR OFF THE COUCH! BY APPLYING BILLY MAYS' DEAD BODY TO YOUR COUCH, YOU CAN ACTUALLY SOAK UP THAT CAT HAIR AND LEAVE YOUR COUCH SPOTLESS! AND NOW BILLY MAYS' DEAD BODY COMES WITH A FREE CARRYING CASE! NO MORE DROPPING YOUR DEAD BILLY MAYS EVERY TIME YOU NEED TO USE HIM! HE JUST FOLDS RIGHT INTO THIS POUCH AND CAN SIT ANYWHERE IN YOUR HOUSE! AND GUESS WHAT ELSE? ...

LOL... There's also a joke about Michael Jackon's 99% plastic body being melted into Legos "so little kids can play with him for a change," but that's... well, I guess I just shared it didn't I?

Fact is, folks, people die all the time. We just tend to care more when they were famous. I was never a Michael Jackson fan, never saw an episode of Charlie's Angels (much less the new movies), never bought OxyClean, and I don't even remember what Ed McMahon did to be famous. I don't care.

... Unless... It's a government conspiracy to blind us all as to what's REALLY going on!

My birthday

2009-06-21T19:42:00.002-05:00

My birthday was last Wednesday. People who know me in person can't believe I'm 23, as these facial blemishes make me look younger, and people who know me online thought I was older.

Well, as my computer had just recovered from a virus, I spent a pitiful amount of time re-installing programs I'd lost that I needed. (The nice thing about starting fresh was that I had a better idea of what programs I actually use.)

Later, I went over to Wal-Mart on the bus, because I'd seen some DVDs on a discount rack the last time I'd been there that I decided I'd like to pick up. They were gone. I looked around for a bit, and found nothing to tempt my wallet (nothing that I could afford, and most of what I couldn't, I knew I didn't need), so I bought some groceries. (Including some cupcakes and ice cream cones for ice cream I'd already had at home.)

I got home, put my groceries away, found nothing in the mail, and went back to the computer.

Later, Shaun called and offered to pick me up a little early. While I was waiting for him to arrive, I got a call from Tim Armstrong, who needed technical assistance with downloading a video. I offered to do it for him, but unfortunately, could not get it done. Tim said it was okay, and I left with Shaun, who had arrived.

We went over to his and Audrey's place first, where it was fun with cats and a laser pointer. Then, we went to pick Audrey up from work, then over to Aaron and Jessica's, then to Lambert's Cafe in Ozark.

It took us an hour to get seated. I'd tried to eat little, if anything, the whole day because it's very easy to get full at Lambert's. Well, let it suffice to say that even with that, no one at our table had seconds, though some had leftovers. (I didn't finish my "fried apples," but I didn't take them with me.)

We went back to A&J's, where we let our stomachs settle before getting into the ice cream I'd bought. Only Audrey, Aaron and I had any of the cupcakes, and I took all of those leftovers back home.

I had my camcorder on me the whole day, and filmed some video. Audrey and Jessica asked that they be edited out, but I couldn't get every bit of Audrey out. I filmed about nine minutes of footage, and edited that down to the video you see below:

When I got home, I found four big, soft wrapped packages outside my door. Without opening them (which I did the next morning), I instantly (and correctly) guessed it was a bedding set from my mother. When I got in, I found messages on my answering machine from my little brother. For some reason, they couldn't seem to get the idea that I may have had plans and had expected that I'd be home that night. On the second message, he asked, "Can we stay the night?" I thought, "If it was that pressing, couldn't they have thought that I might be with Audrey and call her?"

I tried calling to my brother Drew's place, but I got no answer (as usual). Later, when my parents did manage to get me on the phone, they said they weren't going to ask what I was doing.

What, did they think I was at a bar getting drunk off my head? Don't they know me at all?

*Sigh*

This past year, I think the lesson I can definitely say I've learned is to focus better. (Sadly, this doesn't mean I'll get videos and blogs and podcasts out quite as soon as I'd like...)

Sequels, Prequels, Midquels, Remakes, and Reboots

2009-06-07T20:07:00.004-05:00

There's no movies this summer that are calling me to the theaters. Everything this year seems to be a spin-off of something else! And it all seems to be something I don't really care about.

You got "X-Men Origins: Wolverine": a prequel, you got "Terminator: Salvation": the sequel no one asked for, and "Star Trek": which someone explained to me in such a complicated fashion, I had to finally figure it out and say, "It's a sequel, a prequel, and a reboot?" To which they replied, "Yep!"

And yeah, there's other sequels out there now, but I'm not going to pick out every single one. It's like, every movie is a remake, a sequel, a prequel, a midquel (meaning it takes place during another movie or story), a reboot of a long-dead series, or a re-hash of an idea that feels like it's been done a million times.

Just about the only movies that feel original are either not from this country, or are actually based on a book that went without a movie adaptation until now.

This leads me to ask: where is the creativity in Hollywood? No one has it! You remember seeing an old movie, then found out it was based on a book, and then you found the book, read it, and discovered that it was almost completely different from the movie? At least that shows some originality!

Now, there are some original movies out there. Those Christian movies like Facing the Giants and Fireproof come to mind, but they have a problem... they feel underdone. (And in the case of those Christian movies, just a bit too preachy and Sunday School-ish.)

And on the chance someone does make an actually good original movie, it either flops, or does well and gets buried by terrible SEQUELS! I don't know about you, but when I hear a movie has a long list of sequels, I tend to avoid it. Because, if you see one, you feel obligated to see the rest. (It was only my serious lack of interest that the original Friday the 13th was the only movie from that series I watched.)

Just about the only movies with original stories that do well are these Disney/Pixar movies, and other family fare. The thing is, I'm not a kid anymore, I don't have kids, and these tend to get sappy.

And don't get me started on those parody movies! They're all terrible!

The industry is wondering why YouTube has such a large appeal. Here's the reason: homemade videos are usually original, and if they're not, they're short, and didn't rob you of $7-20 for a ticket.

I miss the good old days when movies were made to be quality entertainment, and not just to make money. Sure, back then, making money was an aim, but they would also strive to make a quality product. It just goes to show...

...They don't make them like they used to.

Ugh...

2009-06-03T17:04:00.002-05:00

I feel like I haven't blogged in forever. Just haven't had anything to say that strikes me as blog-worthy.

I've been tired a LOT recently... In the morning, when I get up, at night, before I go to bed. Yesterday, I had three cups of coffee, two in the early morning between 8 and 10 AM, and one in the evening about 7:30PM... and I loved all three of them.

Well, actually, last night, I heard my friend Taphas say he was moving over to my side of town, so I told him, "Hey, if you want, you can move in with me, and the rent would be just $195 a month for each of us." He said he'd consider it, but we'll see how that works out.

That would make things a lot easier on me. I went grocery shopping to get by until next payday, and now have a frightfully small bank balance.

Also, been working around with video today. I have that HD camcorder, but the 32GB card I won a bid on eBay for has never arrived, even though I always pay for my eBay items right after I win them. (Which is why I'm a gold star eBay buyer...) I placed a non-receipt claim on the $12.50 transaction for it with PayPal, and... *sigh* the seller hasn't responded yet, and PayPal asked them to do so by June 6th.

... But anyways... My video editor can't use the mp4 files the camcorder makes, so I have to convert them, but ALL of the video converters I have either made the video take a noticeable hit in quality, or gave me a glitched file that was shown at the wrong aspect ratio.

I am convinced technology's main purpose is to aid mankind as it annoys the heck out of him.

10 Awesome Movies

2009-05-21T06:43:00.002-05:00

Here are 10 movies I've seen that I consider to be awesome. They're made well, some are a little artsy, but they're great.

If.... (1968)
This is a very surreal movie, reality steps into fantasy, and the film shifts from black and white to color and vice versa repeatedly. And, it has one of the greatest endings I've ever seen!

The movie is a fable about the British school system by depicting a school for boys. It explores the themes of repressing sexuality, religion, and bullying from peers and masters. It was followed up with two other movies, O, Lucky Man! in 1974, and Britannia Hospital in 1982. The three are connected by being fables about British life, but their only connection is that all of them have a character named Mick Travis who is played by Malcolm McDowell. While if.... is considered a black comedy, the later two were a little more outrageous in their humor.

A Clockwork Orange (1972)
Based on Anthony Burgess' book, Stanley Kubrick's controversial tale of violence and the human spirit is disturbing and awe-inspiring.

Malcolm McDowell stars as Alex DeLarge, a young man who enjoys his life of violence, rape, and classical music. But when he is arrested after an accidental murder, Alex looks to a new rehabilitation technique for a quick way out of jail. The technique works, but not in the way anyone expected.

The way the movie is scripted and filmed and acted is perfect. There's not a lot more I can say. (What'd you expect from Stanley Kubrick?)

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland (1972)
Despite the see-through costumes and visual effects, this film does something I really, really respect: it holds fast to it's source material. Instead of embellishing on Carroll's work or taking from it, it keeps it intact. (With the forgivable framing of Mr. Dodgson taking the Liddell sisters for a boat ride, the puzzling disappearance of the Cheshire Cat scene, and the odd addition of the Tweedles, the only concession this movie makes to Through the Looking Glass.) It features great performances by future Phantom Michael Crawford as the White Rabbit, and Bond-girl-to-be Fiona Fullerton as Alice. There are short songs and diddies that occur, some derived from Carroll, some based on lines from the book ("Off with it's head! Off with it's head! Mutilate it! Decapitate it! We'll be much better off with it dead!"), and some completely new ones. The biggest problem with this movie is that most home video releases use an exceptionally poor print.

Picnic at Hanging Rock (1975)
Peter Weir's atmospheric film is chilling and enthralling. The movie circles around the mysterious disappearance of some schoolgirls and a teacher at the rock formation known as Hanging Rock. Some live with the mystery, some embrace it, but what is certain is that things will never be the same.

The movie has a gentle yet eerie pace. Soft classical music and the panpipes of George Zamphir heighten the mood. The acting from all the cast is perfect, but the most imposing character is the Rock itself. It is menacing and entrancing all at the same time.

Back to the Future (1985)
Did you expect it not to be here? In an entertaining and engaging tale, director Bob Zemeckis and writer Bob Gale spin a sci-fi adventure tale, with action, and even a romantic plot, making this a movie that does it all, and does it well.

The movie was followed up by a 2-part sequel in 1989 and 1990, titled Back to the Future Part II and Back to the Future Part III. The sequel picks up right where the first one left off and takes the audience far into the future and even farther into the past.

Did I mention the amazing performances of Michael J. Fox, Christopher Lloyd, Lea Thompson, and Tom Wilson?

Shallow Grave (1994)
Danny Boyle's first feature film, and the first movie written by John Hodges. This gently-paced thriller takes on the adage "Never involve friends in matters of money." Three flatmates in Edinburgh take on a fourth. They wake up one morning and find him dead and a suitcase full of money. They're faced with the choice of reporting it to the police for proper body removal and confiscation of the money, or they can dispose of the body their own way, and keep the money for themselves.

Although there are some turns and the characters aren't too well developed, I just can't get enough of this one.

Forgotten Silver (1995)
Peter Jackson's mockumentary of an overlooked New Zealand film making pioneer is hilarious, engaging and touching. You find yourself wishing it was true. The tale they weave of Colin McKenzie, who supposedly made the first sound film, the first color movie, and the first feature-length movie is that engaging and well-told.

Well-shot silent footage (that was also brilliantly artificially aged), accompanied by commentary by Colin's widow, a woman who appeared in one of his films, film archivists and critics (including Leonard Maltin) add to the deception.

Trainspotting (1996)
This film offers a powerful look at the life of junkies by not being blatantly anti-drug. It also offers a stellar soundtrack! The movie follows the misadventures of Mark Renton and his friends as they make the decision whether or not to "Choose Life."

Honestly, the narrative of the movie pales compared to the novel by Irvine Welsh. What we wind up with is something that is considerably different from it's source, but still very respectful to it.

Spider-Man (2002)
This is, in my opinion, the way to do a superhero movie. Get a great story and a great cast (I don't care if Kirsten Dunst isn't a match for the Mary Jane of the comics). The hero's origin is related dramatically, altered a bit for screen, and does not drag through the movie. In addition, they handle the villain well, a great match for the hero, but the villain is not played down and robbed of screen time, and is not exactly a completely unsympathetic character.

So far, there have been two additional movies made in this series. Spider-Man 2 (2004) is often considered the best of the three, as it deftly handled handled the question "What if a superhero didn't want to be a hero anymore?" Spider-Man 3 (2007) is generally considered a let down, as it got bogged down with three villains who each could have handled their own film, and a conflict for the hero that needed more fleshing out. (The whole Peter Parker dressing in black and dancing thing could have gone, too.) Spider-Man 4 is expected for 2011.

EDIT: Unable to decide on a script, Spider-Man 4 has been shelved, and a new series of films based on the character will be produced.

Waiting... (2005)
A disturbing and engaging look at a day in the life of working-class America. The movie follows the crew of a night shift at ShenaniganZ restaurant who are working their jobs and making decisions that could change their lives.

The cast is hilarious (some viewers seem to have some emotional baggage about the cast, though) and perform excellently. The script is witty and makes the movie easy to relate to for anyone who's worked in a restaurant or a similar job. Music is used effectively to convey the action and thoughts of the characters. The thing that may drive some people away is the food-tampering scenes and "The Game."

The Curious Case of the Video of this Week

2009-05-20T15:29:00.002-05:00

I have been uploading at lease one video a week to my not-at-all Ozzy YouTube channel, JaredofMO, but this week's video has an interesting history.

First off, it might help if you see this video:

My sister and her friends filmed that in 2006, while they were on a Missions Trip to Jeruco, Mexico. Incidentally, it was the first video on YouTube that would turn up if you searched for "Jeruco." (There are now many other videos.) The score was done by a musician they'd met while they were there.

It was while Audrey was in Mexico that year that I decided she and I should look into moving out, but that's not important right now.

The next year, they went back, the guys were gone, and some new kids were with them. They filmed a new video, with a different idea. It would be more like random sketches than an actual plot. Shortly after she returned, though, things got kind of serious with her and Shaun, and she didn't get a chance to put it together.

The footage was taken from the camera, put on the computer, then later, I put it on a DVD+R disc.

A couple weeks ago, I found it and asked Audrey if she'd mind if I took a shot at putting it together. She said, "You probably would anyways," so she said I could.

Audrey says it's "funneh," but she misses the title and credits... I sent her the video file I made it from and we'll see if she does anything with it.

Taco and Chili recipes ... my way

2009-05-09T17:57:00.002-05:00

Unlike your stereotypical bachelor, I actually cook. Here's a couple recipes I've done.

TACOS
~1 lb. ground turkey (or beef, I prefer turkey because it's leaner and the flavor of the seasoning is more noticeable)
~1 packet taco seasoning
~Toasted taco shells (or, if you're just doing taco salad, you can use tortilla chips)
~1 can diced tomatoes and chiles (the spicier, the better)
~Salsa
~Shredded cheese
~Shredded lettuce (I often go without this, as I tend not to buy fresh vegetables, since they spoil before I use them)

Brown the ground turkey with the tomatoes and chiles. Drain the mixture when it's done cooking, and stir in the taco seasoning. Melt in the cheese.

And... that's all there really is to it. Portion the mixture in the taco shells and top with lettuce, and add salsa if you want it.

For taco salad, crush the shells in a bowl or plate, or use tortilla chips.

Chili
~1 lb. ground turkey
~2 cans of red kidney beans or Mexican beans
~Chili seasoning, at least four tablespoons, more or less to taste
~1/3 cup of preserved jalapenos or fresh, sliced jalapenos
~1 can of diced tomatoes and chili

TRADITIONAL STYLE
I have two variants for cooking the ground turkey. One is to put the uncooked meat in a crock pot with all other ingredients and enough water to make sure it doesn't burn and let it cook and and stew with the other ingredients. This should only be done if the chili is being made a couple days ahead of time, so no bacteria from the meat survives. The other is to brown the meat conventionally, and then putting all the ingredients in a crock pot.

BAKED?
Yeah... You see, I'm fond of having my chili Frito-pie style, so I came up with baking it so the chili wouldn't make the corn chips soggy. What you do is mix all ingredients in a baking pan (you can do the uncooked ground turkey variation here, but it needs to be thawed), and baking it at 400 degrees for two hours, stirring it occasionally, so the beans don't burn. Make sure the beans and meat are fully cooked to avoid... gastrovascular disasters. :D

Hi Diddle-Lee-Dee...

2009-05-08T18:56:00.003-05:00

So, I head out to go to work, and it's raining. Raining hard. So, out comes the umbrella. I wait for the bus, and it keeps raining... HARDER. The bus is late, and the wind is blowing, and suddenly, my umbrella bends! No, not the top part (though that did happen), but the shaft! I manage to straighten it, but now it's pretty short... Time for a new one? I think so...

Finally, the bus arrives, and I'm surprised to see that the driver is the only one in the bus. I pay my fare and get in. At Dillon's supermarket, where this driver usually stops to use the restroom, he gets off and turns to me and says, "There's a Tornado Warning, we gotta get out of the bus."

So, we go into Dillon's. While I'm there, I figure, "Might as well buy some cat food," so I do.

While we're waiting for the storm to blow over, they blare the radio announcements over the intercom, customers and employees gathering at the front.

I almost thought, "It's the end of the world out there."

I don't know why I've been obsessing about the end of the world recently...

The driver turns to me and says, "You didn't really want to go to work today, did you?"

"Are you kidding?" I reply, "No one wants to go to work."

After about twenty minutes, they declare it's safe for us to go. The bus driver and I get back on the bus, and he turns up the street, since it'd be making the bus run REALLY late if he resumed the usual route, and he even dropped me off closer to work that the stop I usually get off at. (I swear, that guy is cool.)

When I got off work (busy!), it was bright and sunny out... Yay... And when I got home, I found my copy of the Platinum Edition of Pinocchio had arrived (along with a certain book by a certain author who I'd didn't think I'd be reading from so soon). Right now, it's sitting with another DVD I'd bought, Iron Man. So, there's a movie about a wooden boy and a man who dresses in metal... Huh...

Being Human

2009-05-05T21:49:00.004-05:00

I guess I gotta give a shout-out to my Glasgow friend (or is the proper term Glaswegian? Ach, no one cares) Al Cook. I've done a lot of linkage to his blog and other sites he's on and talked about him a lot on my Oz blog, but not so much here. Yeah, he recommended some books I've read, and he's commented on here, but that's it.

Anyways, this blog entry he wrote led me to look up the show he was talking about. (Go read it...)

This show isn't aired anywhere in the US, but I managed to get hold of it by some uncommon means. (I can do R2 DVDs.)

I'm not going to make this a long, indepth review, but this is what I will say: this is one of the freshest ideas I've seen for a TV series in a long time and I found myself enjoying it immensely!

I don't think it could be aired in the US, as each episode was about 56 minutes long. In the US, shows that run for an hour are actually about 40-42 minutes long, maybe 45. In addition, they use some language and visuals that the freakin' FCC (Ha ha! Family Guy reference!) wouldn't approve of. (Or maybe, I don't know how cable's content rules are.)

Maybe some things are better left in the UK... But we don't get stuff like that in the US!

EDIT: Turns out BBC America is getting this, so I've decided to get cable.

A Clockwork Orange

2009-05-03T13:11:00.001-05:00

Well, this didn't raise any eyebrows or get any weird remarks. I guess my co-workers just take it for granted now that I read weird books.

Well, actually, A Clockwork Orange isn't so weird, though the edition I bought does have a weird cover. This is one book you've probably heard of, and maybe you've seen the (awesome) Stanley Kubrick movie adaptation.

The book is set in the future, just when is uncertain. (Due to a model of car that is mentioned, some set it in the late 1990's.) It's suggested early on in the book that the human race now also inhabits the moon. Thankfully, the events of the story stay on Earth.

The story is told in the first person by the main character, Alex. We open with him and his "droogs" (they are a gang) drinking drugged milk, then going out to commit random acts of violence, including the rape of a woman in her own home in front of her husband.

The story then contrasts Alex's night life with his life by day: he skips school by feigning illness (this is followed with a visit from Alex's parole officer), then he goes to pick up a music album at a store, and in the process, meets two young girls who he takes home and has his way with.

The next part of the book makes an interesting point. Alex's droogs make his position in the gang feel threatened, so he gets back at them, doing a bit an act of violence to prove he is the Alpha Male of the group. This behavior is typical of mankind, though, as we always try to prove ourselves the master.

Alex then goes to an old lady's house to burgle it, when he is met by the lady. When he tries to escape her, he accidentally murders her. His droogs beat him and leave him for the police.

Alex goes to prison and stays there for two of his fourteen years. He confides in the prison chaplain, who is something of a moral compass for Alex. Rather than forcing religion on Alex (though he does call Alex a brother in J.C.), he serves as a moral compass, saying that reformation comes from a personal choice. He even warns Alex when he shows interest in the Ludovico Technique that when a man is deprived of the choice to do good or evil, he is no longer a man.

Alex gets to be the first person to undergo the Ludovico Technique for reforming criminals. Being properly nourished, the subject is strapped to a chair and their eyes are held open and they are forced to watch films of violence until they are repulsed by the thought of it.

This is what happens to Alex, and in about two weeks, he is declared reformed and ready to re-enter society. In a test, he buckles instantly to a bully, and is repulsed at his urges when a ... beautiful woman comes onstage. (Stanley Kubrick's take on that scene was HOT!!!)

So, Alex goes back to his parents, who were uninformed of his arrival. He discovers that all of his belongings were seized by the police to be sold to care for Alex's victim's cats. Even worse, a lodger now has Alex's room, and he claims he's more like a son to Alex's parents than Alex was. Unable to stand up for himself, Alex leaves.

That really struck me as a low blow for the character. Alex was thinking his parents would be surprised to see him return and pleased at his reformation, but instead, he just gets turned out onto the street. And here we find a surprise: you care about what happens to Alex now. Sure, just a matter of pages ago, you were shocked at his violence and despised just about every action, and now you feel bad for him. Well, hold on, kids, it gets worse.

Alex discovers his once-favorite classical music sickens him (the music in the films he watched is now being recognized as torture by his psyche), and he briefly considers suicide, before realizing that he probably couldn't do it, since the very thought of violence sickens him.

He goes to a library, but a librarian who he and his droogs had attacked early in the book recognizes him, and he and other old men beat Alex, until they are stopped by the police, who turn out to be Alex's former droog Dim and his former rival Billyboy. They also beat him and leave him on his own.

Alex manages to find refuge with a writer named Mr. Alexander, who turns out to be the husband of the woman that Alex and the droogs raped early on. He reveals that she died, and calls her and Alex victims of the modern age.

Alex tries to avoid letting Mr. Alexander discover what he did in the past, but he accidentally drops clues. Mr. Alexander begins to piece it together when a couple of reporters arrive and interview Alex. They take him to a room in a house and lock him in, and then blare classical music, eventually forcing Alex to jump.

He awakes in a hospital, where not only is he recovering from the injuries of his fall, but they are also reversing the effects of the Ludovico Technique. His parents invite him to stay with them again, as their boarder has left. The minister deals with Alex to avoid bad publicity by offering him a cushy job with a good salary.

Now, in early American editions, this is about where the novel ends, with Alex being practically restored to status quo, and as the movie was based on an American edition, that is where it also ended. But there was an additional chapter in all other countries, which is now in American editions as well. I, of course, went for one of these later editions.

The last chapter opens like the first, Alex with a new gang of droogs, but now, acts of violence fail to interest Alex. He runs into his old friend Pete, who has settled down and gotten married. Alex finds this peaceful life appealing, and decides to pursue it, even though, if he has children, they could make all the mistakes he made.

I found the last chapter to be the logical conclusion, as I couldn't really accept that Alex would just go back to his old life with no effects after everything he'd been through. After all, by reversing the effects of the Ludovico Technique, Alex now has the power to choose again, which brings us to the meaning of the title. Without that last chapter, the ending is open, where Alex could go one way or another with his life. Thus, the last chapter could be viewed as redundant.

Now to write what the heck the title means. "Clockwork" of course, suggests machinery, which is usually set to work one way. "Orange," in the title, is a metaphor for human beings, quoting the author: "an organism lovely with colour and juice." So, the title is talking about a human being set to do only one thing, deprived of choice. So, that's why the weird title.

The book uses slang called "Nadsat," which is loosely based on Russian words. This was done to prevent dating the book. It's a little difficult at first to catch on to, but it grows on the reader.

The movie was a very faithful adaptation, with some forgivable (for the casual viewer, anyways) changes. One subtle addition made was how obsessed with sex this future world has become, seen in the erotic art that is practically everywhere. In a society such as this, sexual crimes such as rape are inevitable. The movie even has Alex killing the old woman (who isn't so old) with a giant porcelian phallis, practically the ultimate way of saying "I am the Man!" (One last note on the movie, Malcolm McDowell was awesome as Alex.)

The thing I was disturbed about while reading the book is that I can see our society headed the way Burgess predicted it. Just this last week I read this in Dear Abby column:

Recently, I picked up the newspaper, glanced at the front page and an article caught my eye. It was about a disabled man who had been kidnapped and taken to an apartment where he was beaten. It was one of the most disgusting this I have ever read.

Not long after that, I saw another article. This time it was about a mentally challenged man who was lured from his bus stop to a deserted street, then beaten and robbed. Knowing these things happen makes me sad, angry and turns my stomach.

There is hope however. That was sent in by a 13-year old girl, asking how she could help.

Swine Flu

2009-05-02T20:44:00.002-05:00

Okay, people asked me what I thought of the swine flu. Well, here's what I've got to say:

The media has blown it all out of proportion. It's an illness, and thanks for letting us know, but would you mind telling people that, as with most viruses or sicknesses, if treated soon, you can recover. And likely, you will. This is flu, not cancer or AIDS!

Return of the Horror

2009-04-27T20:52:00.002-05:00

Well, I've decided that in October, I will post more stories, but I won't be limiting them to the Ozarks, and get. Maybe in time, I should collect them and put them in a book...

The first is going to be my own retelling of the Mexican legend of La Llorona. Of course, since there'll be months between now and then, you could look it up and read it for yourself, but it wouldn't be my version...

Happy Birthday, Genevieve

2009-04-26T13:23:00.004-05:00

Today, my younger sister Genevieve (or, as we commonly call her, Gen), is sixteen. We had originally planned to go to Lambert's Cafe in Ozark (though I've no idea how some of us would have afforded it), but we had a change of plans...

Y'see, my Mom's been living away from my Dad recently, not because they're divorced or separated or anything, but because he could only find work in Springfield, while she stayed at her late parents' home to take care of their estate, which, from what we heard, is almost done with. With Mom is Gen, my little brother Arthur, and my baby brother Daniel, who is a Type 1 diabetic, meaning insulin shots and all.

From what I gather, Daniel's doctor has been concerned about his frequent high blood sugar levels (Mom accounts this to Daniel sneaking things he shouldn't, and well-meaning but ill-advised friends giving him things), and called the Department of Family Services on Mom, and last Friday, they took him away.

The court hearing is tomorrow. Mom wants to persuade the court to let Daniel stay with some friends of theirs, or my oldest brother Aaron and his wife Jessica. (However, Aaron and Jessica have their own concerns with court, as their hearings for custody of Aaron's daughter Amber are still ongoing, though she does currently stay with them.) She oddly snubbed Audrey and Shaun, who would have no problem with taking care of him. (No, wait, for her, that's not odd.)

We had a somber celebration at Audrey and Shaun's, the first time the entire family (save Daniel) has gathered there, on Saturday night.

Gen's presents weren't too much to speak of. Drew gave her a portable DVD player, which had a bit of an odd history behind it. (Long story short, Gen should have had it almost a year ago.) Mom gave her an exercise set with a tape (yes, tape, shows how old the set was). Gen commented, "Are you saying I'm fat? I'm insulted!" Another gift from mom was a hair removal kit. She really liked the present that Shaun, Audrey and I went in on together: an iPod Nano, pre-loaded with music. (Aaron and Jessica were a little late on their gifts, but promised to give her some accessories, like a power adapter.)

*Sigh.* Why can't we have a normal family?

La Chambre de l'acide

2009-04-23T20:19:00.002-05:00

I finished reading another Irvine Welsh book today, The Acid House.

This book is different from the other books I've read by him. Instead of a novel, it's a collection of short stories and a novella called A Smart Cunt. (This is not talking about female genitalia. This term shows up often in Welsh, look it up!)

Welsh gets to explore many types of storytelling here. From fantasies that involve God turning an angry, down-on-his-luck young man into a bluebottle housefly, science fiction about a woman keeping her husband's head alive in cryogenic fluid while she has an affair, twisted tales like a man having an affair to spite someone, only to discover the woman was a man who'd had a sex change, to more ordinary tales.

The stories range from two pages to quite a few. (One four-page story is actually four one-page stories about sexual frustration.)

One I found myself particularly enjoyable was called Disnae Matter. It was only two pages and was written in Welsh's standard spelling of the Edinburgh dialect. I read it aloud after getting off of work (with no audience). It told the story of a man and his wife and child going to Disney World in Florida, and how he almost made an employee (possibly dressed as Winnie-the-Pooh) lose his job.

Welsh tends to use many recurring themes. You can sympathize with and sometimes relate to his characters, but they always have something about them you wouldn't agree with. Many lead characters are drug addicts (usually heroin or cocaine). And his stories take place in the same fictional version of Edinburgh. Characters from one book appear in another. Spud from Trainspotting is in A Smart Cunt. This happens in his other books, too.

Ah, well. This was another fun one, and I got some nice reactions from co-workers. A manager asked to see what I was reading, and I let her look at it. She opened it to a sexual-ish scene, and exclaimed, "Jared! You're reading PORN!"

Well, that's that, then. Currently, I've no other Irvine Welsh books on my reading list... Open to suggestions here, folks.

Okay...

2009-04-21T21:44:00.002-05:00

My life feels a little boring right now.

I'm working on a list of twenty movies that I find to be awesome. So far, I've only seven movies. Want to suggest anything? Go ahead. Surprisingly, there are no Oz movies, no superhero movies, and no Narnia or Lord of the Rings on it. (Not yet.)

Reddin' and Viddin'

2009-04-15T20:23:00.002-05:00

So, my dad came over today because he needed help setting up an eBay account, and as I'd started one for him sometime back (YEARS ago... back when I'd only get online at the old Main Library, when it was that, which tells you how long ago it was, if you know anything of the libraries in Springfield*), he thought I could be of help.

*Seeing as most of you wouldn't, I'll explain. The Main Library was the closest library from the Square for a good long time. Then, the Library Center opened on the outskirts of the south side of town, and they moved their "main" items there. This was about 2001. The old Main Library became the Midtown Carnegie Library. To add to the run-around, they opened a new library last year right on the square itself. Never been to it. That's what you'll find in Springfield, Missouri, folks, libraries, colleges, churches, factories, and a horrible job market.

So, apparently, when I'd tried to register an account, I made the account name the exact same as dad's e-mail, @_.com and all. I guess this messed up somehow, thus making the account useless and Dad's e-mail unable to be used on eBay.

He spent a good hour trying to work something out, even calling them up and talking to them. Then, he remembers he wanted to get the music off a DVD, and I had to do that. I get it off the DVD and onto an mp3 file on his flash drive, and then he missed the bus. As he had to wait around about another half-hour, he got a bit of a shock, seeing A Clockwork Orange on my coffee table, which needs to be cleaned off very badly.

"What's with this?" he asked. "I didn't think this would be your type of book."

"I'm not reading it," I replied. "It's on my list, though."

It's amusing to me how little my family knows me anymore. Guess my deciding last year to try new things is a turn they didn't expect. Well, I couldn't just read L. Frank Baum books and watch Oz movies all my life. Not that I don't love those, but staying in one spot is not good.

Meanwhile, on my non-Oz YouTube channel, I've tried to make sure I post one video a week. Here's the two latest:

Easter!

2009-04-12T21:22:00.002-05:00

Ah, yes, the day we celebrate the resurrection of Christ, and some bunny who wants our souls...

But... I was almost tempted not to venture out to church today. It was RAINING out. RAINING on Easter Sunday! And pretty hard, too. I usually walk to church Sunday morning. I tried calling some family to get a ride, but didn't get through, so I threw on my coat and started walking. Didn't get further than a block when some friends of mine picked me up, an offer I was very glad of.

My mom and my younger siblings were in town, and came to church also. Audrey was also there, and we planned to go over to my brother Aaron's place afterward to celebrate Easter and his birthday, which had been a few days before.

The service, not too bad. The youth group opened with a drama and did a nice performance. My only problem with it was that I'd seen it twice before. In between worship and the sermon, the pastor excused the children for Children's church, and stressed that they would be showing clips from The Passion of the Christ, and it might be rather graphic. Well, it was not graphic, nor was the video they made edited together very well. They would have done better to contact me or Audrey, as both she and I edit lots of videos. The nice effect to it was that they had done a music video, but the music was performed live. My only problem there was that Jodi Felton, great person as she is, was not the best person to sing the song they chose. (Codutti, where are you when we need you?) The dance team also did a dance/drama/human video, which was well-done. The sermon itself was a bit more of your standard type, as Easter is a day when we expect a lot of guests, including people who don't normally attend church.

Now, AFTER the service and big altar call, we gathered together to decide who was riding with who. Arthur (my second youngest brother) asked if his friend Luke could come, and Mom said it was all right with her.

First element of disaster. Luke is the most annoying, obnoxious, and loud kid we know who is over the age of thirteen. Mom was not hosting this get-together, but rather Jessica, Aaron's wife, who does not exactly care for Luke's manner.

So, Luke and Arthur disappeared somewhere. I assumed they went out to Mom's van to ride with them. I went with Audrey, my other younger sister Genevieve, and their friend Sacha to the truck Audrey was borrowing from Aaron for the day, and Audrey says, "Mom doesn't know that they likely won't be home from visiting Jessica's parents until about 2." (At this time, it was about 12:30.)

Audrey then finds two index cards in her jacket from Mom, trying to convince Audrey to leave her fiance Shaun for a life free of "sexual immorality" and full of "chastity." (A bit late for that, now...) Audrey decided that we'd go visit Shaun at his work (manager at a gas station) and she'd let him look these over.

Shaun is so cool, he hooked us up with free fountain drinks! Of course, we all laughed over Mom's latest attempt to get Audrey and Shaun apart.

The reason is that Mom's not exactly one to talk about sexual purity before marriage. Aaron was born four months after my parents had been married, and she'd also divorced before then, so it's not like she picked my dad correctly right off.

Well, after we leave Shaun to get back to work, Audrey sees that she has two missed calls from Aaron and Jessica. She calls them back to discover that the burglar alarm in their house had gone off, and while Aaron was hurrying over to see what was going on (and of course, the police were on their way, as the alarm made their insurance company call a list of people to discover if it's a false alarm, then call the police), and if Audrey could get there first, if she could discover what was going on.

We'd thought maybe Mom, Dad, and the kids were already over and tried to get in (not realizing that they didn't have a key, and with no vehicles in the driveway, no one was obviously home) and had set off the alarm.

We got there the same time as the first police car. They told Audrey that as she was not the home owner, to not go near the house. Very shortly, Aaron arrived, and they went around to the back yard, where they discovered the culprits: Arthur and Luke.

Apparently, Arthur and Luke had gotten a ride from Luke's parents who had just dropped them off, despite the fact that no one was obviously home.

As Aaron identified them as his brother and a friend, no one was arrested, but we put up with over an hour of Luke at Audrey and Shaun's place before Luke's father arrived to pick him up. (Aaron and Jessica did not want him over, period.) Jessica came over to wait for Luke's father with us, and had some words with him.

... Good times.

We had some scanty leftovers for dinner, and a little after three o'clock, Shaun arrived from work. We had cake and ice cream (and a singing of "Happy Birthday," where just about everyone sang a different version, so it was a very odd sounding song, but then, it was a belated celebration), then Dad had to leave for work, and Shaun offered to take him. Almost immediately after, Mom decided to take her leave.

That left Aaron, Jessica, Drew, Audrey, Sacha, Amber, and myself, and Shaun returned eventually.

The rest of the night was spent playing Monopoly and pizza, before Audrey and Shaun took Drew, Sacha, and myself home.

Happy holiday!

And it's raining again...

More Irvine Welsh

2009-04-09T18:42:00.004-05:00

I finished reading Irvine Welsh's Filth today. It was a bit of a different tale than Trainspotting and Porno. Instead of junkies, criminals, or pornographers, the book follows a police man, Detective Bruce Robertson.

Now, you would think that, "Great, he's got a positive lead character this time," but oh, no. Welsh gives us the most corrupt cop in the Edinburgh police force. Bruce is divorced, addicted to cocaine, a sexual pervert, and up for promotion. Oh, and early on, he eats an underdone meat pie that leaves him with a tapeworm that learns about him as it eats away on the inside of him. Only in Welsh...

As disgusting as the worm is, it makes for an interesting character. It is sentient, though realistically focused on eating, but the way it makes it's thoughts read is a curious device. It's hard to explain, but it's words appear over Bruce's. Bruce eventually discovers the worm's presence, and tries to rid himself of it, or them, rather, as the worm has multiplied. Because the worm has begun to depend on this companionship, it becomes spiteful to Bruce, and digs up his worst memories to feed back to him.

As for Bruce, he schemes for the upcoming promotion to Inspector, including ruining any chances his fellow detectives have. Bruce finds faults in all of them, forgetting that worse faults lie within himself. This occurs many times in the book: Bruce feels the faults of others somehow justify his own.

Some of most fun I had while reading this book was the reactions from co-workers to it.

"Filth? What is that? Some kind of porno book?"
"A corrupt cop? Does he like nasty, wild, freaky sex?" (My answer, "Yes, actually.")
"Where do you find these books?"

And the oddest I got today as I was reading at a bus stop, some weird tattooed guy passed, glanced, and murmured, "What book is that oh that book I read that book it's a good book."

... Okay ...

Believing In The Unseen

2009-04-08T20:18:00.002-05:00

Let's face it, lots of people believe in things that are unseen, or things that aren't seen often, or some only claim to have seen. I believe in God, but unlike some, I realize that believing there's a God requires believing that there are things that exist that are beyond our comprehension. As such, I can't bring myself to completely rule out that ghosts exist (my blogs from last October show that I'm definitely not going to claim they don't exist), nor monsters. As such, I get fascinated by such things. Maybe more than I should...

1,2...

2009-04-08T18:39:00.001-05:00

Posted this on my sister's Facebook:

1, 2, I got money for you...
3, 4, can't go to your door.
5, 6, something rhymes with... Uh...
7, 8, bought a gift, card, and bag for Aaron, great.
9, 10, I'm never doing THIS again...

(The money? Chipping in for an iPod Nano for my youngest sister's birthday.)

Star Wars

2009-04-05T14:56:00.003-05:00

"I didn't like 'King Kong,' it was too long."
"Well, it was made in the 1930's..."
"No, I'm talking about the Peter Jackson remake. I haven't seen the original."
"What? How can you not have seen that?"
"I haven't seen the original Star Wars trilogy, either."
That almost killed him!

Yeah, I seriously lived for 22 years without watching those movies. As I've read books like The Lord of the Rings, The Chronicles of Narnia, and L. Frank Baum's Oz series, and seen many fantasy movies, lots of people assumed I'd seen the "grandaddy of them all," George Lucas' juggernaut franchise Star Wars.

Okay, I actually did once see the very end of Return of the Jedi on TV once, but I mean the very end, where Luke sees the ghosts of Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Yoda, and one time, we tuned into seeing Darth Vader's ship going awry at the end of Star Wars (or A New Hope, or whatever you call it), but I'd never watched the movies all the way through.

It didn't help in 1999 when I went to a movie night event we had in Youth Group, and they popped in a VHS of The Phantom Menace. I didn't have such a good head for catching onto things as I do now, but the movie made no sense to me whatsoever. Even without having seen the earlier movies, I already knew that the little kid would be Darth Vader in the later movies, and that Luke guy would be his son. (I later found out Leia was his sister when I was watching an episode of The O.C..)

So, last year, in July, I decided to finally rent the original trilogy on Netflix, just so I could say I'd seen it. I managed to rent the original, unaltered versions. I can understand extended and director's cuts, but I got confused as to the point of re-doing special effects. No one has bothered to re-do special effects in The Wizard of Oz (though that's a different matter entirely), Mary Poppins, Labyrinth, or The NeverEnding Story, and those movies have held up well.

I'll have to say, I did enjoy the first movie. I wasn't floored by it, but it was a fun adventure movie that told a nice story. I thought the creature effects held up well.

I got the other two movies and saw them in succession. These two lost a lot of the humor that was present in the first one, and started talking about the mysterious presence of "The Force." Having an imaginary world is good and all, but there are points where it feels like the filmmaker is forcing the audience to take it as seriously as he does.

One reason why I love The Chronicles of Narnia and the Oz books is because, even though there may be many details behind so many elements, the authors decided that it didn't need to be revealed for the readers to enjoy the stories. Baum dropped a few hints in his stories, as did Lewis, who also wrote a timeline that included events he didn't include in his books.

In Star Wars, all of this detail is forced on the viewer, and sadly, a lot of fiction has copied this style. For me, my interest was ebbing quickly. I finished the two movies, then sent them back to Netflix, and haven't watched them again since.

I still hear people talk about how great these movies are, and when they ask me about them, they're shocked to hear me say I'm not a fan. They were good movies that broke ground in special effects and cinematic storytelling, but that's all the praise I can really give them.

And seeing as it took nine months for me to finally write this tells you just how compelled I was to get my opinion out...

April 1st - Good Day For...

2009-04-01T12:32:00.001-06:00

...The cheesiest videos ever. I put up two today:

That video was filmed by... this guy!

The Night Dad Went To Jail

2009-03-29T11:55:00.000-06:00

It was early in 2006 when I was getting off of work about 9PM. I usually got a ride home from Dad, but tonight, my brother Aaron, his wife Jessica, and my sister Audrey picked me up. They told me something was wrong at home: Dad was in jail.

Now, don't get my Dad wrong, he's a great guy. He loves his family and provides for them legally. The thing he'd gone to jail for was an unpaid traffic fine.

When we got home, my Mom was saying she wanted us to let Dad stay in jail, that it would "serve him right." She turned to me and said, "It's times like this I wish I had my own money!"

She stormed into her bedroom. Whether she was suggesting I give her more of my paycheck, or that Dad never gave her enough money, I don't know. I was already giving them $200 a month to stay in a room that didn't even have a door. (Seemed a bit fair, as we were renting the house.)

I turned to my brother, Drew, and said, "If you want your own money, you have to work for it." (I still stand by that statement.)

Eventually, Mom came out and said, "I don't want your father out of jail. You're the one who's working, we'll have to take your whole paycheck to care for the family."

I walked out to talk with Aaron, Jessica, and Audrey. We talked about the cost of bail for Dad, and decided we could pay it. For me, it would take almost all of the money I had left in the bank, but I thought, "Be broke now, or never have any extra money again." I helped them pay the bail.

You see, this is just an example of how weird my Mom is. This is one thing that made me decide it was time to move out just a few months later.

Wow...

2009-03-27T19:58:00.000-06:00

I just got an e-mail from a friend of mine. It was about a principal of a school announcing of the PA system that they can't respect Christianity in public schools, then mentions all the other things they can accept, including sexual innuendo.

It would be inspiring and I might have even posted it here, if I knew it was true. You could write any bit of this, but if it's not true, it kind of loses potency.

And on this subject, why are Christian movies, except for Bible-based ones, so horribly cliche? I watched the movie Fireproof not too long ago, and... Nice story, but it was burdened with all these preachy cliches. One I have the biggest problem with is the depiction of computers and the internet. Because if there's mention of the internet, someone MUST be looking up pornography.

I wish someone would do a live-action movie version of Adventures in Odyssey or something like it. I mean, yes, it's Christian, points out lessons (sometimes in hilarious ways), discusses theology, but manages not to sound too preachy.

Ah, well...

Hey!

2009-03-27T18:04:00.001-06:00

Sam, if you're reading this, your e-mail server is blocking me somehow.

Videos

2009-03-25T15:21:00.000-06:00

I decided to work on some videos today. I got one done. It was one of the ones Taphas helped me film last week:

The other video we filmed I want to crop to widescreen and it's composed of several shots, so it's a bit more complicated.

The other video I've been working on today is one of my Oz videos, The Wonders of Oz episode 12. My big problem with doing these videos is that I try to get better as I go, but my lack of content doesn't help. Oh, well...

Okay, where are they?

2009-03-23T18:53:00.001-06:00

So, I live in a city called Springfield.

Right past the interstate is a street called Evergreen.

We have a big stadium, a terrible public school system, and there's a statue of some prominent person near the center of town.

Okay, where do the Simpsons live?

Superman vs. The Studios

2009-03-22T13:46:00.000-06:00

Recently, I decided to watch the Superman movies. All of them. Okay, so I haven't watched the Richard Donner version of Superman II, but no matter.

It's odd that the oldest and most loved superhero has such an odd history in film.

1978 brought us Superman: The Movie, introducing Christopher Reeve as Superman and Clark Kent, Margot Kidder as Lois Lane, Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor, and Mark McClure as my personal favorite supporting character, Jimmy Olsen. (Who didn't have quite as good a role in these movies as I would have liked, but what can you do?)

The first one was a very good movie. It introduced the hero and the supporting cast, and brought in a villain who was a threat but didn't feel cheated with unused potential. I feel like Spider-Man (the first movie) took a page from this one and did it well. Only thing I didn't like about it was the scene where Superman saves Lois' life and goes back in time to stop her from being crushed in a rockslide.

Second one, okay. It felt a bit cheesy, but was a good sequel, and I like how it had been set up in the first movie. I noted that the loss of Superman's powers was not unlike what happens in Spider-Man 2, but never mind. It was cool seeing Superman taking on not one but three villains who are as strong as he is.

Third... Eh... The best part of it was the return of Lana Lang into the series after her brief scenes in the first movie. The villain's plot where Superman is being defeated by a computer was weird to say the least. Richard Pryor as Gus, a little funny here and there, I would say this is not a good performance by him, but I haven't seen much else by him, save his performance as the Wiz in The Wiz, which he was completely miscast for.

Fourth, CHEESY. Lex breaks out of jail, makes a nuclear man, Superman defeats Nuclear Man, sends Lex back to jail, all with a "World Peace, Please!" message dragging it down.

Now, Superman Returns is not exactly the best movie ever, as they had to re-cast everyone. If you need to do that, why not do a reboot? When I first saw it on DVD back in 2006, it seemed to be a big special effects show with a pretty poor plot. Superman returns from seeing if there may be any life left on the remains of Krypton (I guess they left Supergirl as well as III and IV: The Quest For Peace out of this continuity as well...), Lois Lane has a son who is Superman's (which I saw coming as soon as I saw him), and Lex Luthor, conning his way out of jail from an old lady, has a real estate plot that will inevitably give him cancer and kill billions of people by flooding the United States. The acting was good, though. Watching it after the previous movies, it's better, but it's not the best.

I also watched that animated Superman: Doomsday movie, which doesn't fit with the movies' continuity, but was okay. An okay re-telling of the "Death of Superman" story (the biggest change making Doomsday's rampage Luthor's fault), but it's retelling of "The Return of Superman" story leaves much to be desired.

When will we see another Superman movie that doesn't stink?

ASLTW - Church Signs 2

2009-03-21T21:05:00.000-06:00

I passed that church that had God saying "Don't Make Me Come Down There" on their sign, but now their sign reads "Everyone is welcome."

What gets me is that they felt the need to say that. I could go into a Christian blog about how Christians' charisma, not words, are supposed to attract other people, but... I don't feel like it. I'll just say this: Actions Speak Louder Than Words.

Cat Scratch Films

2009-03-18T13:26:00.001-06:00

... Hey, that sounds like a good name for a company...

But no, I came up with ideas for two YouTube videos and invited a friend over to help me film them. We decided that it would be easiest for us both if he stayed the night and we filmed in the morning, when we'd have the best light.

Since my cat, Jack, is a little rambunctious, I took him into my bedroom. My bed is positioned right under a window. For some reason, as I was trying to get to sleep, Jack tries to jump up onto the window. It was closed since it can't be opened and stay open. So, he keeps trying, gets up pretty high... And falls on my face! WITH ALL CLAWS OUT!!!

Uh...

Ow... There's four of them... Guess who DIDN'T stay in overnight?

When I showed my friend, Taphas, he says, "I can call you 'Scarface,' then. You look like you could be a serial killer."

So, the next morning, I'd developed scabs on the scratches. At least he missed my eye. We filmed the videos with the scratches. "It adds to the character," said Taphas.

I've yet to edit the videos, but one is me saying good-bye to my old computer as if it was a girlfriend. With one false start, it was done in one shot. The other was a little more complex. We had 10 shots, plus some re-shots, and I added an extra scene for Taphas to do. It's about being addicted to caffeine. It's also a parody/tribute to opening scenes of the movies Trainspotting and A Clockwork Orange. Just, no one's being chased by cops for any crimes, and it's cappuccino instead of heroin or drugged milk.

Zonk

2009-03-12T21:00:00.000-06:00

I feel like I need to blog about the past few days.

So, Audrey and Shaun moved all of their stuff out. Tuesday night, I moved the computer and the desk it was on into the old bedroom.

I'd say my living room is very clean now, since I gave the floor a thorough sweeping and a vacuuming.

But the next morning, I got up and found my computer stuck on the "Windows is shutting down" screen, where it had apparently been for some time. I did a manual shut off, but when I tried to reboot, all I got was the legendary Blue Screen Of Death. Using Windows Safe Mode (With Networking), I managed to move most of the files I couldn't replace from the C:\ drive (I have a secondary drive that was easily saved by disconnecting) and then using a system restore disc to restore my computer to factory settings. Doing that and restoring the programs I was using just drained me...

Right now, I'm tired and just want some rest, but know that will just make another day of work come all the sooner... *YAWN.*

Yesterday

2009-03-09T17:27:00.000-06:00

So, yesterday, Audrey and Aaron moved the last of Audrey and Shaun's stuff out of my apartment, where I had been storing it for them for six months.

Later, they called me up and invited me to dinner at Aaron & Jessica's. While I was there, I watched The Simpsons. Somehow, the house gets foreclosed on, and it gets put up for auction, and is bought by Flanders, who rents it back to the Simpsons. However, when they call him at night about a gas leak, and he had been fixing problems around their house all day (involving a hilarious shot where he says he'll get his tools, and opens a cabinet in the Simpson's house, full of tool chests labeled "Property of Ned Flanders"), he gets a lot of flack and evicts them. Eventually, Flanders' generous and loving nature gets the better of them and he brings them back in.

Now, the weird thing is, the same thing happened to my family. My mom wanted to get new windows, and to pay for them, they put a mortgage on the house. Now, all payments were going well, until Mom took it into her head to movie to Branson to open a theater or homeless shelter. She nagged my dad into getting a job there, and eventually, he caved and did. And then we had some really bad times... In the end, we didn't pay off the mortgage, and the house was foreclosed on.

Luckily for us, the house was bought by a friend of ours, who owns a sunroom business now. He rented it to us until Mom's parents died, and Audrey and I were moving out then anyways, and Drew was forced to find his own place, and Mom, Dad and the younger kids moved elsewhere. (It's a long story.)

Weird...

Later, I went over to Wal-Mart, where I picked up some cleaning supplies, milk, and some DVDs. One was the new edition of Back to the Future, which also contained a special second disc containing the footage from Back to the Future: The Ride, and other special features that fans have wanted to see. (Though it is noted that Looking Back To The Future is only part of a longer documentary about all three movies. Grrr...)

Really, if you own the old DVD set from 2003, that second disc that only comes with the first movie is the only new thing about the new release. Sure, the movies come separately in nice-looking individual cases with the original poster art on them, but even the menus are the same as the old release. Yes, down to everything EXCEPT the look of the actual disc, it's the exact same DVD.

(To the reader who I told I'd be posting photos, I'm a little reticent.)

So, yeah... Ah, well... At least now I have new copies of all of the movies... (Thanks to their flawed disc exchange program for the first set, I was able to trade in used copies of the first set that I'd bought for only $3 + some trades, for new, corrected copies of II and III.)

Picnic at Hanging Rock

2009-03-03T07:47:00.000-06:00

Picnic at Hanging Rock by William Ford

It took me awhile to find a good price on a copy of Picnic at Hanging Rock by Joan Lindsay. Despite the availability of the movie, the book is out of print in the US.

Usually when it comes to a movie based on a book, the book remains much better than it's adaptation. In the case of Picnic at Hanging Rock, the movie actually complements the book, and the book complements the movie.

***SPOILERS AHEAD***

The book and movie tell of a private school, Appleyard College, sending their students on a picnic to Mount Diogenes, or more commonly known as Hanging Rock, on February 14, 1900. The day is revealed to be Saturday, and of course, St. Valentine's Day.

Right off, you can tell why the author selected the location for such a story, just look at it:

At the Rock, the schoolgirls can see that they are not the only visitors, Colonel Fitzhubert and his family are also visiting, including his son, Michael, and their stablehand Albert.

The school's staff and driver discover that their watches have stopped. Some of the senior girls, Marion Quade, Irma Leopold, and the bewitching Miranda, ask if they may measure the base of the Rock, and are allowed to do so, and are joined by the school dunce Edith Horton. The girls decide to climb the Rock, and are observed briefly by Michael and Albert.

The girls converse as they climb and eventually tire. They awake, but only Edith seems to be fully aware of everything. The senior girls are in a trance-like state and continue climbing. Eventually, Edith's fear gets the better of her.

Mrs. Appleyard, the head of the College, has stayed at the college, partially because Sara Wayborne, Miranda's dearest friend at the school, has been left out of the picnic to finish her lessons. Mrs. Appleyard is surprised when the picnickers do not arrive at the time she requested, and are, in fact, very late. They return with everyone in tears and hysterics, and without the three senior girls who climbed the Rock, and Miss McCraw is missing.

Edith, Michael, and Albert are all asked by the Constable about the mysterious disappearance of Miranda, Irma, Marion, and Miss McCraw. Both Albert and Michael maintain that they only observed the girls as they passed, while Edith says she saw Miss McCraw running up the Rock as she was running down, Miss McCraw without her skirt, and that she also saw a red cloud on the Rock.

Michael is determined to do his own search for the missing girls, even though the police's searches have yielded no traces of the missing people. Albert later finds him unconscious and injured on one of the lower slopes. Michael later manages to scrawl a message to Albert, who follows it onto the Rock, and they find an unconscious Irma.

Despite the hope that Irma's recovery brings, Appleyard College begins losing students and staff right and left. The college is of course the subject of scandal now, and the head seems eager to take her frustration out on Sara, whose guardian has not been paying her fees.

Picnic at Hanging Rock is exceptionally well-written. The author gives the story a gentle pace, but it doesn't drag. The author even plays with paradoxes, which she must have been fond of. My research on her shows she didn't care about the passing of time and never kept clocks in her home.

Several people have thought that Picnic is a true story and want to discover the mystery of the disappearance and solve it once and for all. Lindsay herself didn't really say if the story was true or not. Just before the book starts, it reads:

Whether Picnic at Hanging Rock is fact or fiction, my readers must decide for themselves. As the fateful picnic took place in the year nineteen hundred, and all the characters who appear in this book are long since dead, it hardly seems to matter.

On later interviews, she said, "Some of it is, and some of it isn't." While Peter Weir was filming his movie adaptation, actress Anne Louise Lambert, who played Miranda, wandered off at Hanging Rock after a bad day of filming, in full costume. Lindsay followed her and greeted her as "Miranda," saying, "It's been so long."

Now, it was discovered that three children were found dead near Hanging Rock, but this was prior to 1900. It is also worthwhile to note that February 14, 1900 did not fall on a Saturday as it does in the book. In addition, nothing had been printed of "The College Mystery" (as the disappearance and it's effects is called in the book), nor had anyone heard of it before the book was published, which contradicts what is in the book and the subsequent film.

Thus, we may assume, the story is fictional, but definitely resounded with the author in a way known only to herself.

The story has been interpreted a number of ways, as repressed sexual expression, as nature becoming a mysterious force, and as a science fiction story.

The disappearance is the cause of many theories. Fans of the movie and the book try to come up with one, and theories have ranged from simple ones, such as the senior girls were running away from the school, getting murdered by Michael and Albert, either being aided or attacked by Miss McCraw, or rockslides or a small earthquake; to very fantastic ones, such as alien abductions, aboriginal spirits and curses, man-eating plants or monsters, transformations, or the girls and Miss McCraw were transported to another world or dimension.

As it turns out, Lindsay did write what had happened, but her publisher felt that the chapter would be best left out of the book for an unsolved mystery. In the film adaptation, no attempt was made to make an explanation.

While some thought the claim that Lindsay had written this chapter was a joke or hoax, after her death, it was published as The Secret of Hanging Rock.

The chapter follows Miranda, Marion, and Irma continuing their climb, and being joined by Miss McCraw, who they fail to recognize, who has also fallen under some sort of trance. They remove their tight corsets and throw them over a cliff, but they never hit the ground, and are left suspended in space. The four see a "hole in space," then Miss McCraw, Miranda, and Marion crawl into a small hole in the rock, transforming into odd crab-like and lizard-like shapes. Irma hesitates, and is left clawing at the rock as a boulder covers the hole.

Some people have not been satisfied with this explanation because it is so odd. It however, fits with the Dreamtime beliefs of the Australian Aborigines, where the belief is that mankind is equal to all of nature. The girls have become one with nature now, as opposed to the school, which feels out of place in it's location in the country, and the students and staff stay mainly indoors.

Now, the explanation is not what happened, but why? Of all the theories I've found online, the most intriguing is the Interrupted Fate theory: Sara Waybourne should have gone to the picnic. She was an orphan who missed her brother, who was not taken in by her guardian, Mr. Cosgrove. In the story of the book and the movie, she reveals her brother's name to be "Bertie," while Albert, the Fitzhubert's stable hand, says he has a sister named Sara who he last saw at the orphanage. It is obvious that they are indeed siblings. But as Sara did not go, their fate of being reunited (as she would have gone with Miranda and the others who were noticed by Michael and Albert, who would have recognized her) was interrupted by Mrs. Appleyard. This interruption caused a disturbance in the regular flow of Time, and also explains why the effects of the disappearance are so cruel to Mrs. Appleyard.

It would also work with why, at the end of the book (filmed for the movie, but left out of the final cut), when Mrs. Appleyard goes to Hanging Rock, she sees Sara's ghost. (Mutilated in the book, not so in the filmed footage.) Sara has finally made it to Hanging Rock, but is too late to be reunited with her brother.

Definitely a book and a movie that inspires thought. I truly enjoyed both.

Picnic Update

2009-03-02T19:34:00.001-06:00

Yes, I'm still reading Picnic at Hanging Rock, and it's good. It's now on my list of "Best Books I've Ever Read." Be expecting a nice big blog about it when I'm done!

One Year Later

2009-02-28T18:39:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling too good today, and that's not natural (but Oak Express is!), so let's blog about something that's been ticking me off... For over a year!

I don't talk about it much, but I follow some comics, and might be considered a geek or a nerd. (Which is cool!) I mainly follow Marvel's Spider-Man and The Fantastic Four.

At the end of 2007, Spider-Fans got a bomb with the One More Day story arc. After Spider-Man unmasks in Civil War, he becomes an easier target for any number of the villains he's faced. A sniper hired by the Kingpin tries to shoot Peter Parker and shoots Peter's Aunt May instead. She is in a critical condition and highly likely to die, no matter where they go for help.

The One More Day story arc climaxed with Mephisto (Marvel's version of Satan) offering Peter and his wife Mary Jane to let Aunt May live if he can erase their marriage from ever existing. After much thought, Peter and MJ agree.

I remember reading that and seriously saying, "Did they just do that? Did they just seriously do that? DID THEY DO THAT?"

Yeah, so Peter Parker is single again, Aunt May is well and working at a homeless shelter and unaware of Peter's superhero identity, Mary Jane is a model and actress, somehow, although nothing in Civil War was retconned, no one remembers who Spider-Man was when he unmasked, Peter is no longer a teacher, and all the effects of The Other story arc have been eliminated. (That story arc was a death/rebirth arc for Spider-Man, where he gets organic web-shooters and other powers.) In addition, we saw the return of Harry Osborn.

So, this leaves fans asking "WHAT THE...???"

Now, I know they had to do something about the unmasking, because there was no way they could do basic Spider-Man stories, but it raises the question, did the stakes have to be the marriage of Peter and MJ? And although Aunt May was a fixture of the Spider-Man stories from the beginning, couldn't we finally say good-bye? Ah, well...

Now, these changes brought about "Brand New Day," a bit of a continuity reboot for Spider-Man, the problem being that about 20 years of beloved comic book stories were either retconned or altered in ways unknown to the fans (right now).

The problem with "Brand New Day" is that their purpose behind it has faltered. They said they wanted stories that focused more on Peter Parker, but we haven't seen him out of costume recently, and I've forgotten if he ever managed to get employed. They only recently gave him a romantic story, which really focused on his friend, Betty Brandt, and was pretty thin, and was overwhelmed by the other story in the issue where Peter gets to photograph Barack Obama's inauguration, which is crashed by The Chameleon.

And some of these stories get cheesy, and I mean CHEESY. Like, we have Freak, a supervillain who was a junkie who got turned into a monster when he took what he thought was crystal meth. Yeah... Sounds like a rejected Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen plot. (And if you don't know what I'm talking about, you're better off not knowing.)

And another story arc had a mysterious girl who is trying to hunt down Spider-Man, and catches his roommate, think he's her prey. If you're familiar with the Spider-Man rogues gallery, she brings to mind Kraven the Hunter. And I immediately thought, "She's his daughter." And in the last issue of the arc, it shows the girl returning to her mother, who comments she's Daddy's girl, revealing pictures of Sergei Kravinoff, the original Kraven. Now, this would be all right, if it just ended there, but no! There's a text box that reads some blurb like, "Wow! She's Sergei's daughter! You didn't see that coming!" Uh, actually, I did. Like a mile away.

Another thing that annoyed me was during a fight scene, Spider-Man suddenly had the angel on one shoulder, demon on the other complex. Cheese...

The only thing I'm really glad about "Brand New Day" is the return of Harry Osborn, who they revealed would have returned without "One More Day." In much the same way his father Norman Osborn died and then returned, so did Harry, and both have taken the mantle of the Green Goblin. Harry's a good character, and I appreciated his return.

The reason why I liked Mary Jane as Peter's wife is that she completed his character and offered leverage to his life from going out there and beating the villains. She just felt right.

I'm betting someday they'll either find a way to remove the retcon, or get Peter and MJ married again. It'd cause a big rage from the fans if they tried to marry him to someone else.

Whatever. It's their comics, let them screw it up how they want.

Seconds At ShenaniganZ

2009-02-24T19:55:00.000-06:00

In late 2005, a co-worker told me about a movie called "Waiting..." It sounded interesting, so I found a copy and watched it. It was an indie movie that somehow had some big names in the cast, like Chi McBride, Luiz Guzman, Justin Long, Ryan Reynolds, Anna Faris, and Dane Cook. The movie was a "Day In The Life" film about the crew at ShenaniganZ, a fancy restaurant where the unspoken but enforced rule is "Don't f**k with the people who handle your food." In one scene, a female customer feels her right to complain about everything, and her food is shown being tampered with in a most disgusting manner. Her extra gravy is saliva, added garlic salt is actually dandruff, and the added alfalfa sprouts are really pubic hairs.

There's also the running joke of the Game, where the male crew find ways to make each other see their genitalia. (Turns out, this is a real game.)

The film's better feature was actually focusing on character development. There were some who were just funny, like the bipolar and foul-mouthed Naomi, and wannabe rappers Nick and T-Dog, but there were characters who developed. Ryan Reynold's character Monty is obsessed with sex and the hostess Natasha (who is a minor for just one more week), Justin Long's character Dean wants to break out of his rut as a waiter, and when he is offered the assistant manager position, he must decide what he's going to do. And then there's new hire Mitch, who can't seem to finish a sentence.

So, with a movie as clever and humorous and disgusting as that, that also made a large profit on it's release, what do you do next? S-E-Q-U-E-L.

Yep.

And what do we know about movie sequels? They're very tricky to do CORRECTLY. There are countless sequels to movies that have been huge disappointments. Not all have been bad, but it's rare to find a really satisfying one.

We heard about "Still Waiting" in 2007, and that it would come out in 2008. 2008 came, 2008 went, and no sequel. I heard about test screenings, but that's it. We heard very few of the lead cast would return. Dane Cook, Ryan Reynolds, Anna Faris, and the guy who played Mitch were not returning, and we'd also heard the restaurant they filmed the first one in had been changed into something else.

So, the sequel was released last week on DVD. Because I'm on Netflix, I decided to rent before I bought.

So, apparently, in between the two movies, the original restaurant was closed to health issues (heheh...), and only Nick, Natasha, and Naomi transferred to the new one. Calvin, T-Dog, and Raddimus now work at competing store Ta-Ta's. I guess we assume everyone else (unless I missed noticing some people) found work elsewhere.

So, the new movie starts off with the manager of this new store starting his day. The way it's done feels like a bad parody of parts of the first movie. In fact, a lot of the movie feels like a bad parody of the first movie. (I guess the preview for Disaster Movie on the DVD should have been a tip-off...) So, this ShenanaginZ is struggling to stay afloat with the competition from Ta-Ta's if they can't make $9,000 everyday, they will close.

Nick and T-Dog aren't really friends now, as T-Dog has "matured," and Nick hasn't. This feels weird, because these two were just throw-away characters in the first movie, and now we're psychoanalyzing them? It's a plot line that's not really worth it.

We've got the manager trying to become more popular with women, such a weird plot device. We've got Naomi plastering Ta-Ta's with dog feces because no other place will hire her. Shy Calvin from the first movie is now VERY popular with women. Bishop and Dean appear in extended cameos. Dean's is very disappointing.

We also have a variety of new characters in the crews of ShenanaginZ and Ta-Ta's, but honestly, I found myself not really caring about the new characters. They felt like pale shadows of what I'd already seen in the first movie.

I guess it was filmed well, nice music, well-edited. The acting was decent, but it just made the first movie feel like a classic. By the end, I just wanted it to be over. Not even the Scotsman who's at the end who gets ignored for the nerdy-sounding guy could keep my attention. (And Scots rock.)

I'm glad I rented this. Now I know that I shouldn't buy it.

I love books!

2009-02-21T21:34:00.001-06:00

Okay, so if you remember that blog sometime back about books I've read and books I wanted to read, here's an update...

I finally found a good deal on a copy of Picnic at Hanging Rock on Abebooks.com, and it arrived today! Can't wait to read it! It's thinner than I expected it would be, and it's from the late '70s, so it's also a movie edition, not that I care, as that means the nice-looking Australian girls who grace the movie are also gracing this cover!
I ordered copies of Irvine Welsh's Filth and The Acid House on Amazon, so I might have a follow-up on reading his work soon.

And I also got a new headset in the mail today, which I'll use for making Skype calls. In fact, I used it to call my mother to wish her a belated happy birthday. I recorded the whole call with Call Graph, and listened to some of it. The sound quality was very good on my end, and all right from Mom's, since I was talking into a microphone, and she was talking into a regular phone. I'd upload a clip somewhere, but believe me, you have better things to do than listen to a phone conversation between me and my mother, one of the most boring things an un-related person could hear.

One of the dumbest things I've ever seen...

2009-02-19T07:15:00.000-06:00

Hey, just because it said I was a co-author, doesn't mean that I had anything to do with it!

. . .

. . .

. . .

Okay...

Oh... boy...

2009-02-18T12:46:00.000-06:00

So, recently, there's been a lot of talk over celebrities making possibly career-ending mistakes. The one that's been the biggest for about a year now is Heath Ledger's death that really did end his career. It spurred publicity for his last movie The Dark Knight, but now that he's nominated for an Oscar (which I bet he will win), he's up for talk again.

Also, speaking of The Dark Knight, Christian Bale had a bit of a career hit when someone leaked an audio of him chewing out the DOP of the new Terminator movie when apparently, he was messing up the scene. I actually think that if the Director of Photography is messing up the scene, a profanity-ridden chewing out from the star is pretty tame... Messing up a scene means a re-shoot, and every second of film costs money and time.

Then we have Joaquin Phoenix doing a rap... Very badly... So what? Can't celebrities have fun, too?

Olympian Michael Phelps had a picture of him with a bong leaked, and now Kellogg's doesn't want him on their cereal boxes.

Then we have Miley Cyrus imitating Asian people... whatever! Forget her!

And then there's that whole Chris Brown hitting Rihanna debacle... Whatever! Chris Brown, you suck for striking a woman, and whatever career you had is now gone. Have a happy rest of your life...

But... really, this just proves how obsessed we are with celebrities. They slip up once and we say, "Oh, they suck!" Uh... Don't you have all of their CDs and DVDs? "Uh... Yeah..." Really!

Look, I have friends who screw up. What do I do when they do it? Do I say, "Well, you're a waste of time,"? No. If the offense isn't too great (trying to call me a liar in public is too great, for example), I'll forgive and go on with my life.

Now, these celebrities: I don't know any of them, and I don't really care to. I'm not even a fan of their works (though I did enjoy the new Batman movies and Walk the Line). If they do anything wrong, it's nothing to do with me, and who am I to hold it against them? After all, I screw up myself. (Ask my family, friends, and the people at the International Wizard of Oz Club Message Board.)

Bottom line: screw-ups happen, forgive, forget, move on with your life.

Doomsday

2009-02-15T08:27:00.001-06:00

This is a little something I came up with. The scene is, it's the end of the world, families have gathered together for the clock to strike midnight, and Doomsday will begin. One little family happens to have their grandmother with them.

GRANDMA: Well, here we are at the end of the world, spending our last moments together. Now before we all die and are separated for all eternity, I want to tell you something: you all have been the biggest disappointments to me.

GRANDSON: That's okay, grandma. We don't like you, either.

GRANDMA: Oh, really? I'm so glad we can finally discuss how we really feel!

Friday The 13th - Review

2009-02-14T20:46:00.000-06:00

All, right. I sat myself down and watched this thing.

First off, I don't like the plot. I mean, it's very much just a string of bloody murders strung together with a bit of story. I'm not one for gore, unless it's something that happens in the story.

Now, before I go further, let me clarify this, I'm reviewing the ORIGINAL version, not the new remake. (Made you look!)

So, here's the plot: Obsessed and embittered with her son Jason's death, Pamela Voorhees takes it in her own hands that Camp Crystal Lake stays closed, by murdering every camp counselor and worker that comes to work there.

Whoop! Well, I just spoiled the whole movie for you, didn't I? Heheh... Don't worry, if you're into seeing bloody murders, you'll like this. People get axed, knifed, stabbed in the throat, and decapitated. It's done convincingly, and this is before CGI, so it's impressive how real it looks.

And somehow, it turned into the juggernaut movie franchise it is today, from this cheesy little slash flick, to Freddy VS. Jason and the remake that came out yesterday.

Just proof that Hollywood has no creativity anymore... I mean, you could even take an element from this and make a completely different movie. Here we go:

When Jason dies, Pamela gets herself a good lawyer, and they take the negligent counselors to court until they get a death row sentence. Thinking they can prevent this from happening again, they start Parents Against Negligent Caretakers of Recreational, Educational, and Activities Services, or PANCREAS. They go very well, Pamela gets on shows like Oprah and The View, and gets internationally acclaimed for her efforts.

Then she decides she wants to make Jason's grave a landmark. Her lawyer tells her no, and she finds out he has been diverting funds they've been amassing for his own purposes. She works out a plan and murders him. Pretending to be a distressed friend, she visits his family and discovers he had a son, who would be about Jason's age, if he was still alive. Realizing that she took this boy's father away like Jason was taken from her, she can no longer live with the guilt. She closes PANCREAS and then commits suicide.

See? Completely different movie, based on one concept! And if Hollywood dare make this movie... I'm suing! COPYRIGHT JARED DAVIS!

Possibly the last blog...

2009-02-11T07:43:00.000-06:00

...I'll make on this computer, as my new PC is arriving today. This old machine has given me and my family over seven years of service, although early on, it had to be serviced many times. (I believe the problem was bad wiring in our house. We must have moved it to a steady breaker, as it's been working fine for about five years now.)

I've been the only one who's bothered to upgrade this thing, except for some software. I first added a DVD-ROM/CD-RW drive (it came with a CD-ROM drive), then later, after I bought it from my parents for $300 (which is more than it's worth), I added a DVD-RW drive, an 80GB hard drive, and most recently, I doubled the memory.

However, I decided to get a new one, because what I really needed was a better processor (Intel Celeron sucks), and that could mean a new motherboard, and that would be too much trouble. Also, the memory could only be upgraded to 512 MB, and it still wasn't enough for some applications I need to run. Also, we're looking at 1.10 GHz, making the fact that I've made so many YouTube videos on this an astounding accomplishment.

After I get my files moved and everything moved and set up, I'm giving this old computer back to my dad.

Here's a comparison of this old one to my new one:
Hard Drive Space
Old = 20GB, added a 80GB drive
New = 80GB (I will be adding my secondary 80GB drive from this one)
Memory/RAM
Old = 256MB, 512MB with upgrade
NEW = 1GB, 2GB with upgrade I have ordered
Gigahertz (GHz)
Old = 1.1 GHz
New = 2.8 GHz
Processor
Old = Intel Celeron Processor
New = Intel Pentium 4 Processor
USB Ports
Old = 4 1.0 USB ports
New = 6 2.0 USB ports
Operating System
Old = Windows XP Home
New = Windows XP Pro

I'm not interested in Vista...

Can you TELL I'm a little excited? The only thing I'll need to get a replacement for is the monitor, but dad says I can keep it until I can get one, and Shaun has offered to let me use one he has stored here. I'm also looking for a good deal on a new printer/scanner, as the one I bought back in 2005 has bit the dust.

The only other electronics I'm wanting to get is a camcorder, because I'd like to film better-quality videos (I can do it with my digital camera, but you don't get good video unless you have very good lighting, which means BRIGHT lights or natural light), and I do want to get an iPod so I can enjoy more of my music, such as I have.

I also have the nagging feeling that someday I'll have to get an HDTV and Blu-Ray player, because vinyl records vs. audio cassettes vs. CD vs. digital audio and VHS vs. DVD taught us that companies won't do dual formats forever, so eventually, in order to see new movies, I'll have to make the switch. Fortunately, I've noted you no longer need to spend thousands of dollars on a HDTV and Blu-Ray player (you can buy them for less than $1000), so by the time that happens, it should be less of a wallop on the pocket, but I'm holding out with DVD.

Another Odd Dream...

2009-02-06T07:41:00.000-06:00

I had a dream last night where I was going to some event out in the country. In the dream, I remember seeing Tim Armstrong and Robbie from the Youth Ministry I used to volunteer with.

And I needed to buy some pants.

I pass up thrift stores, because they're no longer sell clothes (actually, for some, at least, this is a fact, as there's a law that clothes must be tested before being sold to avoid some kind of poisoning, and most thrift stores can't afford to test them, a pretty dumb law to pass when we're in the middle of an economic crisis), and go to some retail outlets.

The store seemed to be Wal-Mart, but upon consideration, it could have been any generic retail store. They had all sorts of clothing, except men's pants, so I'm like, "Well, I'm screwed," and leave.

Then I woke up because I had to use the bathroom.

How To Wiggle Out Of The Grasp Of The Weasels

2009-02-04T19:30:00.000-06:00

So, I get a phone call, and the person on the other end starts talking some spiel with very poor reception. I hear them say, "Mastercard," and I think it's the Mastercard company calling in regards to the several debit cards that have had to be replaced due to a security breach. (I got a letter from my bank earlier this week explaining it.

It turns out not to be Mastercard, but some health plan service trying to weasel me in by offering $100 of gas rebates. (Which is not a perk for me, as I never got to master driving, much less own a vehicle, though I did help my sister buy a car.) They eventually stop and ask me if I understand, and I say, "Excuse, but what is this for?"

"Do we need to go over all of this again?" they ask.

I then explain my Mastercard is being replaced and should not be used, and I do not have another card to bill it to.

They had to leave me alone.

So, if you're in a situation like this, just remember, tell them you don't have a card you can use or a way to pay, and it should all be good...

I Got My W-2 Yesterday...

2009-02-01T07:06:00.000-06:00

...and I don't know what to do with it. The place where I work has ADP handling the paychecks and W-2s.

Now, for anyone who doesn't know, the W-2 is a statement from your employer stating how much money you made the previous year with them, and how much taxes were removed. With this information, you file your tax declaration forms, seeing whether your employer overpaid or underpaid your taxes.

Now, the reason why I don't know what do to do with it, is because ADP also has a website where you can view and print your pay statements and W-2s online. My W-2 has been online since early last week, and when I found it was online, I filed my taxes. (Using TurboTax's free federal filing and another website's free state filing.) I'm getting a rather nice refund this year, as last year I had to pay $94.

Oh, and last night on Yahoo! News, I noticed this news article. I haven't seen the movie (though it sounds interesting) yet, nor have I read the story it's based on, and I certainly haven't read this Italian woman's story, as it was unpublished. I hope that judge who will review the movie and the unpublished story also reviews the story it's said to be based on. If he rules in her favor, you can bet the studio's lawyers will manage to wiggle out of it.

Last night I had a weird dream where I was at a grocery store, and there were book signings there. Yeah... And the really weird thing, in my dream I didn't know, but I managed to have my copies of one of the author's books with me. Weird.

Books I've Read Recently And Books I Want To Read

2009-01-27T22:18:00.000-06:00

So, looking back over the past few months, I've read a number of books, some I wanted to read, but a number were suggested by a friend, who probably will read this and knows who he is...

* Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh I blogged about that one here: LINK

* An Anthropologist On Mars by Oliver Sachs This was the first non-fiction book I'd picked up in a long time. It covers a number of cases the author (who is a doctor) has studied and interacted with the subjects. Each case is an odd one: a painter goes colorblind, a blind man has his sight restored but can't really see, and a surgeon with Tourette's Syndrome. There's a couple chapters about Austic people that I had trouble getting into. The book is enjoyable and highly readable, though there is an over abundance of footnotes. I also remember finishing the book at the library.

* Boy by Roald Dahl I was told I'd finish it in a day. I did it in two. The book is Roald Dahl's autobiography, covering his childhood, ending abruptly during his military service. If Dahl was a master storyteller, he certainly knew how to tell his own. The book is engaging, and even when he stops for exposition, he manages to make it sound interesting. He even brings up points that explain inspiration for his books, though he doesn't point it out, with the exception of a story where he told about tasting new Cadbury chocolate bars and giving them feedback on it.

* It by Stephen King One of the longest books I've read in three weeks. And the first book by King I've read. Was it good? Well, the story is, if you ignore the part where the kids have sex in the sewers... My problem with King is he fills pages with details that end up having no bearing on the story. The copy I was reading was 1090 pages long. (I was surprised the library didn't have a hardcover edition.) Basically, the story is about unnatural brutal murders of children in and around the town of Derry. The story switches from 1958 to 1985, with the same characters who find out what is causing the murders and put an end to it once and for all.

* Porno by Irvine Welsh I blogged about that one here: LINK

* Lucky Man by Michael J. Fox Fox's memoirs, mainly about his life (including his acting career, though he doesn't do a lot of reminiscing over filming anything), and his discovery, coping with, and eventual acceptance of Parkinson's Disease. Well-written, and easy to read! I was actually glad he didn't do a lot about his acting, because I've seen biographies that focus more on the person's work and then their life becomes secondary. (Try From Prince Of Splatter To Lord of the Rings, a biography of Peter Jackson.)

* A Lion Among Men by Gregory Maguire I just returned this to the library today. I blogged about it here: LINK

Now, here's some books I want to read, but don't own, and the library doesn't have copies.

* Picnic At Hanging Rock by Joan Lindsay I love the movie, I hope I love the book. I tried getting it through interlibrary loan, but it was unavailable. And when I look for copies to buy, they're either too pricey for me at the moment, or at insane prices.

* Filth by Irvine Welsh Another recommendation, though the two other books I read by him weren't...

And someday, I'll have to finish The Silmarillion, The Unfinished Tales, and The Three Musketeers.

I Almost Missed The Bus

2009-01-26T21:29:00.000-06:00

Today is the first day I can remember where my underwear was one of the last things I put on.

I have to leave to catch the bus to work at 7 AM, but at 7 AM, I was just putting on my deodorant. I'd showered, shaved, and then heard the alarm telling me to leave, and there I was, standing in front of my bathroom mirror, completely unclothed.

I ran, pulled on some pants, a shirt, some socks, my shoes, and a jacket (sadly, not my heavy one, but I was in a rush!). I then realized I hadn't put on any underwear. I threw a pair in the bag I carry to work (books, umbrella, gloves, in warmer weather a light jacket in case it rains), then hurried out the door, locking it as I left.

I'm lucky the bus driver knows me and saw me hurrying across the lot of the gas station across the street. He stopped the bus and waited for me to cross and pay my fare.

When I got to work, I hurried into the bathroom and got the underwear on.

Memo to self: ALWAYS make sure you're heading out in time!

Fan Art vol. 1

2009-01-25T14:41:00.000-06:00

Here's a Nintendo fan art I got inspired to do:

This is the video that inspired it:

Bush is Out, Obama is In

2009-01-20T17:23:00.000-06:00

So, yeah. The United States now has their first president of African-American descent.

And the backlashing on Bush has yet to stop... People, Bush screwed up, get over it. It's not like continually talking about it is going to help the situation.

I seriously just watched a video on YouTube that said it was an inaugural poem for Barack Obama, and seriously, the whole video just ripped into Bush and his cabinet, blaming Bush solely for oil prices and the bad economy, and calling him a "fascist pig."

Well, guess what, people, while Obama may have plans that might help the situations we're in, he's not a miracle worker. I'm betting that by 2012, a lot of people will hate Obama as well, and probably for things that are not really in his control. Every president has gotten backlashing, ever since George Washington. And while we don't hear about the very old ones that much, I bet all of them screwed up sometime.

Another video I watched, the guy hosting it said, "This is probably going to be the peak point of Obama's approval rating, because so many people think he'll have everything fixed by Thursday. Welcome to the real world." (sic)

Very true...

So, even though I didn't vote for him, I will support our President, Barack Obama.

Story Ideas I've Been Toying With

2009-01-18T17:21:00.000-06:00

Yeah, here's some stories I've been toying around with:

The first one involves a young man who has lost his memory. He is taken to live in the country with his grandparents, who try to help him remember his life. They don't baby him or treat him as if he's handicapped, so he gets plenty of hints that start unlocking his memories. A big twist is hinted at by nightmares he has, which lead to the reveal that he had actually lost his memory twice, the first time not recovering, and becoming more of an unsavory person.

The second story is a bit of a sci-fi parable about a woman who finds a CD-ROM marked simply "Design Program." She takes it home, puts it in her computer, and discovers that it is the design program for the entire universe. She decides to use it to fix the annoying characteristics in her husband. After she finalizes the changes, the world around her alters, and she is living in a wooden cabin. The idea is that her husband's characteristics were genetic, and they were passed on from great men who brought on the Industrial Revolution and other advances. By removing these characteristics from him, she removes them from everyone he got them from. My only problem is how to end it. Do we leave the world like this, or is there some way she could restore the characteristics, or does the world come to an end, or does God come in and say, "THIS is why I didn't want you people messing around with these things," and then proceeds to correct the world?

Now to take the time and work these out fully...