In the last half of the 20th Century, Charles M. Schulz's Peanuts took America by storm on the comics page. The misadventures of Charlie Brown, his dog Snoopy, his sister Sally, and their friends Lucy and Linus Van Pelt, Violet. Schroeder, Shermy, Frieda, and Pig Pen grabbed the the attention of readers.
The funny thing about Peanuts is that it offered an unapologetic harsh look at childhood. While Snoopy had his quirky adventures, Charlie Brown is often marginalized by the other characters, often believing himself to be a failure. The truth is that they love him, but he doesn't always feel it through all the picking on him that happens. Linus has a security blanket and sucks his thumb, and his sister Lucy is cruel to both him and Charlie Brown. Even Snoopy could be a little mean, throwing his typewriter at his naysayers. The result was a stylized and endearing comic strip that ran for 50 years and is still re-run through papers today. Despite its nastiness, it reminds us that even in bad times, friendship is all you need.
In 1965, Peanuts was animated for its first solo feature: a television Christmas special. Using simple animation based closely on the original comic strip and actual children voicing the characters, the Peanuts characters came fully to life for A Charlie Brown Christmas.
In the special, Charlie Brown feels unhappy about Christmas. To help him get in the Christmas spirit, Lucy suggests he direct the school's Christmas play. However, few people seem to pay attention to him, and Charlie Brown eventually goes to get a Christmas tree for the play. He and Linus pick up a tiny tree that can barely support a single ornament, which makes him the laughingstock of the other characters. Frustrated, Charlie Brown says that he doesn't know what Christmas is all about, prompting Linus to recite the story of the angels telling the shepherds of the birth of Jesus. Charlie Brown then decides to take his tree home. The other kids follow him home and decorate the tree, making it magically come to life and grow into a modest tree. Charlie Brown joins them in singing "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing!"
Looking at the plot critically, it's loose and hardly hangs together well, but I suspect the point was more to bring the Peanuts characters to animated life than to tell an amazing story. It has a pro-Christian, anti-commercialization stance, summed up as Christmas without love and feeling is pretty empty. This is summed up in a scene where Lucy asks Schroeder to play "Jingle Bells," and he plays a couple nicely orchestrated versions which she rejects. After asking him to add "Santa Claus, ho ho ho, mistletoe, and presents for pretty girls," he taps out the tune on a single key. She then yells approvingly, "THAT'S IT!"
Growing older, I kind of appreciate it more as you can forget to enjoy Christmas as you begin to focus more on clearing off your shopping list than enjoying the holiday.
There have been three animated follow-ups to A Charlie Brown Christmas. It's Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown and Charlie Brown's Christmas Tales adapt strips and plotlines from the strip into animation. Schulz wrote the former, but the latter was assembled after his death and hangs a bit more loosely. They do include popular characters who debuted after the first special, though, such as Peppermint Patty, Marcie, Franklin, and Linus and Lucy's little brother Rerun.
I Want A Dog For Christmas, Charlie Brown is a little more substantial. While it follows the pattern of the last two Christmas specials, there's a central plot with Rerun wanting a dog like Snoopy to play with.
Friday, December 5, 2014
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
One of the fastest adopted pieces of Santa lore in the 20th century was the reindeer Rudolph. Immortalized in song, Rudolph was born with a shiny red nose that caused him to be shunned by his peers. However, on a foggy Christmas Eve, Santa realizes Rudolph's nose could help his sleigh get through. After helping Santa complete his annual run, Rudolph is now loved by the other reindeer.
While the story seems quaint, in the 21st century, we begin to pick up on some problems. Rudolph is discriminated against for something he can't control. As he was born this way, comparing his plight to differing ethnicity or sexual orientation is almost obvious. It gets problematic in that Rudolph is appreciated for his differences only when they're useful to others. If Rudolph had been picked on for a red nose that didn't glow, he'd have no relief.
Rudolph's story first appeared as a book by Robert L. May in 1939 for Montgomery Ward. It was adapted five years later for animation by Max Fleischer. (It was later reissued with the song added to it.) A major difference from later versions is that it is not Santa's deer that belittle Rudolph. Rudolph lives in a town of reindeer that is completely separate from Santa's home.
The famous song adaptation would follow ten years later, made famous by Gene Autry. The song quickly became the famous version and many adaptations of the story since go off of that, leading in new directions.
One of the more famous and even more problematic versions is by Rankin-Bass, who have Rudolph as the son of Donner. Where it gets troublesome is that not only is Rudolph rejected by his peers, but also Santa Claus himself, who is especially grouchy in this incarnation. This causes Donner to force Rudolph to hide his nose so he can have self-respect. For LGBT people who might identify with Rudolph, this can really hit close to home.
Rudolph eventually runs away from the North Pole, joined by an elf who wants to be a dentist, an out of luck prospector, and an island of "misfit" toys. Rudolph and his friends manage to save his mother and his love interest Clarice, while managing to tame a snow monster before a blizzard hits, forcing Santa to use Rudolph's nose to guide the sleigh.
The problem is that while Rudolph's peers eventually realize that they shouldn't have been unkind, it takes Rudolph accomplishing feats to do this. Santa winds up being the worst because he doesn't appreciate Rudolph until the very end when he needs his help. Reindeer or people shouldn't be shunned for their differences regardless of whether or not these differences are useful, but this lesson is never pointed out.
To wrap it up, here's a fun cover of the song featuring Judy Garland and Bing Crosby.
While the story seems quaint, in the 21st century, we begin to pick up on some problems. Rudolph is discriminated against for something he can't control. As he was born this way, comparing his plight to differing ethnicity or sexual orientation is almost obvious. It gets problematic in that Rudolph is appreciated for his differences only when they're useful to others. If Rudolph had been picked on for a red nose that didn't glow, he'd have no relief.
Rudolph's story first appeared as a book by Robert L. May in 1939 for Montgomery Ward. It was adapted five years later for animation by Max Fleischer. (It was later reissued with the song added to it.) A major difference from later versions is that it is not Santa's deer that belittle Rudolph. Rudolph lives in a town of reindeer that is completely separate from Santa's home.
The famous song adaptation would follow ten years later, made famous by Gene Autry. The song quickly became the famous version and many adaptations of the story since go off of that, leading in new directions.
One of the more famous and even more problematic versions is by Rankin-Bass, who have Rudolph as the son of Donner. Where it gets troublesome is that not only is Rudolph rejected by his peers, but also Santa Claus himself, who is especially grouchy in this incarnation. This causes Donner to force Rudolph to hide his nose so he can have self-respect. For LGBT people who might identify with Rudolph, this can really hit close to home.
Rudolph eventually runs away from the North Pole, joined by an elf who wants to be a dentist, an out of luck prospector, and an island of "misfit" toys. Rudolph and his friends manage to save his mother and his love interest Clarice, while managing to tame a snow monster before a blizzard hits, forcing Santa to use Rudolph's nose to guide the sleigh.
The problem is that while Rudolph's peers eventually realize that they shouldn't have been unkind, it takes Rudolph accomplishing feats to do this. Santa winds up being the worst because he doesn't appreciate Rudolph until the very end when he needs his help. Reindeer or people shouldn't be shunned for their differences regardless of whether or not these differences are useful, but this lesson is never pointed out.
To wrap it up, here's a fun cover of the song featuring Judy Garland and Bing Crosby.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
How the Grinch Stole Christmas!
One of the more popular additions to Christmas canon in the 20th century was Dr. Seuss' the Grinch. The fellow first appeared in Seuss' 1957 book How the Grinch Stole Christmas! The book was adapted into an animated special by Chuck Jones in 1966, where the Grinch took on his classic green shade and the story was accompanied by the now classic songs "Welcome Christmas" and "You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch."
The Grinch was based on Theodor Geisel's own post-Christmas foulness as his own attempt to redeem how he viewed the holiday. He even had a license plate reading "GRINCH" on his car.
Seuss' simple story was adapted faithfully for the special: the town of Whoville joyfully celebrates Christmas, while up on his mountain, the Grinch despises them and their holiday. He then has the idea to make them as miserable as himself by dressing as Santa Claus and stealing all their presents. With his dog Max pulling the sleigh, the Grinch sets out to steal every last vestige of Christmas from the Whos.
During his heist, the Grinch is interrupted by little Cindy Lou Who, who wonders why Santa is stealing the tree. The Grinch makes up an excuse and sends her to bed. Heading back out, the Grinch waits to hear the people of Whoville bemoaning their missing Christmas presents, feasts, and decorations. However, instead of doing this, the people head out to sing again, leaving the Grinch to realize that "Christmas doesn't come from a store, Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more." Overcome by goodwill, the Grinch returns everything he stole and is welcomed to celebrate with the Whos.
Audiences have enjoyed the story, and Seuss wisely didn't make the story overtly religious, but Christian groups can read a Christian theme into the Grinch's epiphany if they wish, while non-religious people can appreciate that goodwill doesn't require material goods.
Dr. Seuss did not feature the Grinch in future books, however, in Horton Hears a Who! the titular Horton finds a speck of dust that has the microscopic town of Whoville on it somehow. Whether it is the same Whoville or not is anyone's guess.
The Grinch would reappear in animation, in Halloween is Grinch Night and The Grinch Grinches The Cat In The Hat.
The original Grinch story would be adapted into a live action feature film featuring Jim Carrey as the Grinch. The film expanded on the story and characters, making the Whos a little more three dimensional and giving the Grinch a reason for hating them and Christmas. Also added is the song "Where Are You, Christmas," joining the animated special's songs.
However, the film also adds a lot of risque humor and in my own opinion is a "Thanks, but no thanks" version. I'll stick with the original book and cartoon.
The Grinch was based on Theodor Geisel's own post-Christmas foulness as his own attempt to redeem how he viewed the holiday. He even had a license plate reading "GRINCH" on his car.
Seuss' simple story was adapted faithfully for the special: the town of Whoville joyfully celebrates Christmas, while up on his mountain, the Grinch despises them and their holiday. He then has the idea to make them as miserable as himself by dressing as Santa Claus and stealing all their presents. With his dog Max pulling the sleigh, the Grinch sets out to steal every last vestige of Christmas from the Whos.
During his heist, the Grinch is interrupted by little Cindy Lou Who, who wonders why Santa is stealing the tree. The Grinch makes up an excuse and sends her to bed. Heading back out, the Grinch waits to hear the people of Whoville bemoaning their missing Christmas presents, feasts, and decorations. However, instead of doing this, the people head out to sing again, leaving the Grinch to realize that "Christmas doesn't come from a store, Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more." Overcome by goodwill, the Grinch returns everything he stole and is welcomed to celebrate with the Whos.
Audiences have enjoyed the story, and Seuss wisely didn't make the story overtly religious, but Christian groups can read a Christian theme into the Grinch's epiphany if they wish, while non-religious people can appreciate that goodwill doesn't require material goods.
Dr. Seuss did not feature the Grinch in future books, however, in Horton Hears a Who! the titular Horton finds a speck of dust that has the microscopic town of Whoville on it somehow. Whether it is the same Whoville or not is anyone's guess.
The Grinch would reappear in animation, in Halloween is Grinch Night and The Grinch Grinches The Cat In The Hat.
The original Grinch story would be adapted into a live action feature film featuring Jim Carrey as the Grinch. The film expanded on the story and characters, making the Whos a little more three dimensional and giving the Grinch a reason for hating them and Christmas. Also added is the song "Where Are You, Christmas," joining the animated special's songs.
However, the film also adds a lot of risque humor and in my own opinion is a "Thanks, but no thanks" version. I'll stick with the original book and cartoon.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
The Snowman
I have an aunt who lives in England and she would send us classic books for Christmas. I'm not sure if she was the one who sent me The Snowman by Raymond Briggs, but that book deserves its place as a classic.
Wordlessly told with lovely illustrations, the book tells the story of a little boy who goes outside to make a snowman one winter's day. At night—in a dream or reality, the reader decides—the Snowman comes to life and after playing in the house, he and the boy go flying through the air. Returning home as dawn is approaching, the little boy goes back to bed. Waking up, he goes outside and discovers that the Snowman has collapsed.
I knew The Snowman only from the book, which vanished quickly over the years, but when my younger siblings grew older, they found it and the animated film adaptation at the library.
The animated film successfully captures the look of the illustrations, but the plot deviates from the book when the Snowman comes to life. A number of the escapades in the house are cut, and there's a ride on a motorcycle added. When the Snowman and the boy (who gets the name James here) fly away, the beautiful song "Walking in the Air" sung by Peter Auty plays over the scene, making for a hauntingly beautiful sequence.
The Snowman and James join other Snowmen as they gather around at a celebration with Father Christmas, who lets James meet his reindeer and gives him a scarf. James still has this scarf when he wakes up in the morning, suggesting the experience was not a dream.
In 2012, a sequel to The Snowman film was released, titled The Snowman and the Snowdog. A new little boy named Billy, having recently lost his dog, finds a photo of the original Snowman and his remains. When it snows, he recreates the Snowman and makes a dog out of snow as well with sock ears. When the pair come to life, they fly in an airplane to another celebration, where they meet a more traditional Santa Claus who gives Billy a collar that turns the Snowdog into a real dog when he returns home. After finding the new dog when he wakes up, Billy and his dog discover that the Snowman has once again collapsed.
I was rather disappointed with The Snowman and the Snowdog. While it holds up well visually, the plot is too obvious a retread of the original story, now with a dog added. Perhaps magic can happen only once.
Recently, The Snowman was released on Blu-Ray in the UK and reissued on DVD in the US. I do have to express my disappointment that the original 4:3 image was cropped to a widescreen version in both releases.
Wordlessly told with lovely illustrations, the book tells the story of a little boy who goes outside to make a snowman one winter's day. At night—in a dream or reality, the reader decides—the Snowman comes to life and after playing in the house, he and the boy go flying through the air. Returning home as dawn is approaching, the little boy goes back to bed. Waking up, he goes outside and discovers that the Snowman has collapsed.
I knew The Snowman only from the book, which vanished quickly over the years, but when my younger siblings grew older, they found it and the animated film adaptation at the library.
The animated film successfully captures the look of the illustrations, but the plot deviates from the book when the Snowman comes to life. A number of the escapades in the house are cut, and there's a ride on a motorcycle added. When the Snowman and the boy (who gets the name James here) fly away, the beautiful song "Walking in the Air" sung by Peter Auty plays over the scene, making for a hauntingly beautiful sequence.
The Snowman and James join other Snowmen as they gather around at a celebration with Father Christmas, who lets James meet his reindeer and gives him a scarf. James still has this scarf when he wakes up in the morning, suggesting the experience was not a dream.
In 2012, a sequel to The Snowman film was released, titled The Snowman and the Snowdog. A new little boy named Billy, having recently lost his dog, finds a photo of the original Snowman and his remains. When it snows, he recreates the Snowman and makes a dog out of snow as well with sock ears. When the pair come to life, they fly in an airplane to another celebration, where they meet a more traditional Santa Claus who gives Billy a collar that turns the Snowdog into a real dog when he returns home. After finding the new dog when he wakes up, Billy and his dog discover that the Snowman has once again collapsed.
I was rather disappointed with The Snowman and the Snowdog. While it holds up well visually, the plot is too obvious a retread of the original story, now with a dog added. Perhaps magic can happen only once.
Recently, The Snowman was released on Blu-Ray in the UK and reissued on DVD in the US. I do have to express my disappointment that the original 4:3 image was cropped to a widescreen version in both releases.
Monday, December 1, 2014
Santa Claus (1898)
Released in 1898, Santa Claus is believed to be the first movie with a Christmas theme. If it is not, it appears to be the earliest extant Christmas movie. It is also the first film to depict Santa Claus. Running under two minutes, it simply depicts two children going to bed, Santa coming down their chimney, leaving them presents in their stockings, then leaving, and the children finding their surprise.
Filmed in England, this was one of the most sophisticated films made at that time. One thing to realize is that electric lights weren't strong enough to light the set: the bedroom is a set that was actually outside. To simulate darkness, a curtain is drawn over the bedroom background (you can see a jump cut). The image of Santa going down the chimney appears to be a clever double exposure work.
Because that runs at two minutes, here's a couple longer silents.
First is The Night Before Christmas from 1905. Produced by the Edison Company, the classic poem is re-enacted with a little expansion.
And from 1914, here's The Adventure of the Wrong Santa Claus. Octavius, Amateur Detective (who had starred in a series of silent comedies, of which this was the last) visits his friend in costume as Santa Claus, only to be knocked out by a thief also dressed as Santa who robs the family. Octavius must catch the thief!
Filmed in England, this was one of the most sophisticated films made at that time. One thing to realize is that electric lights weren't strong enough to light the set: the bedroom is a set that was actually outside. To simulate darkness, a curtain is drawn over the bedroom background (you can see a jump cut). The image of Santa going down the chimney appears to be a clever double exposure work.
Because that runs at two minutes, here's a couple longer silents.
First is The Night Before Christmas from 1905. Produced by the Edison Company, the classic poem is re-enacted with a little expansion.
And from 1914, here's The Adventure of the Wrong Santa Claus. Octavius, Amateur Detective (who had starred in a series of silent comedies, of which this was the last) visits his friend in costume as Santa Claus, only to be knocked out by a thief also dressed as Santa who robs the family. Octavius must catch the thief!
Saturday, April 19, 2014
I'm not okay.
I'm sorry if I'm not joining in on the holiday. For those of you celebrating, I hope you have a great Easter. Me, I'm working in the morning and afternoon and will likely just be at home in the evening.
Just like every other night.
Guys.
I'm not okay.
Recently, I just feel stuck. As some of you know, I've more or less been at the same job for about nine going on ten years now. And frankly, it is not a job I want to be in. Last year, a friend suggested I look into a specific field. Well, I did and had a number of job interviews, and apparently failed them all. I get e-mails every day from a couple job search sites with positions that I don't apply for. Perhaps I'm just sure that if I tried, I wouldn't get them.
I also live with my brother in a small apartment, and frankly, I need out. He and I are not a good roommate match. Maybe it's me, maybe it's him, but we just don't work. Also, I need space. Tonight the lack of space was almost unbearable when my little brother visited.
I've recently realized how little of figuring out who I am I've actually done. While I try to keep in mind that this isn't a bad thing, I keep getting certain people who want to crow about their accomplishments, specifically people who have basically scolded me about my life. And I know, this is my life, but they need to understand that just because one person can be married and having kids and renting or mortaging a house by my age doesn't mean my life is any less just because it hasn't happened for me yet.
And I want to tell them this. I'm happy they've gone so far, and really don't want to sound like I'm conflicting statements. I also don't want to be saying, "It's all so easy for you," because I'm sure from their perspective it wasn't. But from where I am, it almost seems that way.
Frankly, I'm depressed over this, and the toll it's taking is becoming noticeable. Technical issues aside, I've barely done any work on the next episode of my podcast and don't blog as often as I used to. I can't seem to get into my creative writing so well either.
This isn't just my creative output. At work yesterday, I had a full-on mood swing. I tried to laugh it off, but it happened. Overbearing people become unbearable, and I even admitted to a couple homicidal fantasies about them. (Also, decreased sex drive, but let's not go there.)
I haven't written about this issue in this level. I have put out a few tiny cries for help that have gone ignored. There's been no one I feel comfortable with talking about it. Even in private chats with my dear friends Jami and Tiffany, I've had trouble spilling to them.
So on top of not being able to get a new job and thus try to get my own place, my current state of mind now is really not helping.
Just like every other night.
Guys.
I'm not okay.
Recently, I just feel stuck. As some of you know, I've more or less been at the same job for about nine going on ten years now. And frankly, it is not a job I want to be in. Last year, a friend suggested I look into a specific field. Well, I did and had a number of job interviews, and apparently failed them all. I get e-mails every day from a couple job search sites with positions that I don't apply for. Perhaps I'm just sure that if I tried, I wouldn't get them.
I also live with my brother in a small apartment, and frankly, I need out. He and I are not a good roommate match. Maybe it's me, maybe it's him, but we just don't work. Also, I need space. Tonight the lack of space was almost unbearable when my little brother visited.
I've recently realized how little of figuring out who I am I've actually done. While I try to keep in mind that this isn't a bad thing, I keep getting certain people who want to crow about their accomplishments, specifically people who have basically scolded me about my life. And I know, this is my life, but they need to understand that just because one person can be married and having kids and renting or mortaging a house by my age doesn't mean my life is any less just because it hasn't happened for me yet.
And I want to tell them this. I'm happy they've gone so far, and really don't want to sound like I'm conflicting statements. I also don't want to be saying, "It's all so easy for you," because I'm sure from their perspective it wasn't. But from where I am, it almost seems that way.
Frankly, I'm depressed over this, and the toll it's taking is becoming noticeable. Technical issues aside, I've barely done any work on the next episode of my podcast and don't blog as often as I used to. I can't seem to get into my creative writing so well either.
This isn't just my creative output. At work yesterday, I had a full-on mood swing. I tried to laugh it off, but it happened. Overbearing people become unbearable, and I even admitted to a couple homicidal fantasies about them. (Also, decreased sex drive, but let's not go there.)
I haven't written about this issue in this level. I have put out a few tiny cries for help that have gone ignored. There's been no one I feel comfortable with talking about it. Even in private chats with my dear friends Jami and Tiffany, I've had trouble spilling to them.
So on top of not being able to get a new job and thus try to get my own place, my current state of mind now is really not helping.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Most of the actual story
Two years ago, I published a blog titled "A question of what you like" in which, I made public that I identify as homosexual. Since then, I've looked back at that blog many times and realized how little of my coming out experience I actually documented. It even contains one or two things I now wish I hadn't said then, but I've learned a lot in these two years since posting that, so I've elected to let it remain as an example of who I was then.
Not long ago, I was looking at Yahoo Answer's LGBT section and found a question asking when you first realized your sexual orientation/gender identity. In the 2012 blog, the way it was written, I made it sound like it was a recent realization. The truth is, I probably would have identified as gay years ago with better sex education.
My parents never had "the talk" with me. The most I got was assurance was that some woman would find me attractive and that I should follow up on it. Well, I'll be honest... Some women did. At church camp one summer, a girl got an all-out crush on me and went out of her way to say hi. I simply was not interested and probably brushed her off a bit ruder than I should have. On two occasions, women have asked me to marry them. Both times, I let them down. (I was dating neither. One was a coworker who was married with children. The other was a friend I chatted to online.)
"You just haven't met the right girl yet" is the mantra to encourage single guys in this situation. And in my case, it was true: I hadn't met the right girl yet. And I never will. Because she doesn't exist. And the more I think on this, the more I realize I should always have known that I never wanted to fall in love with and marry a girl. The signs have been right there, I just didn't know how to read them.
Thus, I'm presenting most of the times in my past when my same-sex attraction seems obvious. Most, because there are some that I've elected to stay private. I'm typically pretty open about my life, but there are things that I just don't want to share with the world.
I've had a fascination with other guys (particularly their bodies) as far as I can remember. Being the third kid in a big family, if I had a bad dream, sometimes I'd go to my oldest brother and sleep with him. Thinking back on that, I know what I liked was his warm, comforting body near mine.
When I finally heard what homosexuality was, I kind of sneakily looked up gay pornographic images online and found myself liking them. This was when I was 16 or so. I didn't have home internet access, so I had to fleetingly download it to a disc at a library before anyone noticed and I'd look at it at home.
My sister and I moved into an apartment when I was 20, and in a little over a year, she moved out to be with her then-boyfriend, now husband. After she moved out and I had the place to myself, at one point I considered a rent boy. I had heard a coworker use the term "bicurious" and wondered if that was me, because frankly, when I tried to imagine having sex, it always wound up being sex with another man.
Note, over this time, I had people making accusations about my sexuality and some people asking and wondering. I didn't date or go out with anyone. At all. I once worked with the church youth group and even taught that homosexuality was wrong, but I found myself saying that homosexuals weren't necessarily evil people. The woman who was teaching with me agreed. (Surprise, her husband came out a couple years ago.)
At age 25, I met a long-time pen pal in person on vacation and we shared rooms in hotels for a few days. I couldn't help but think that he was very attractive. I found my interest in men becoming more dominant as I got closer to 26. 25 is the age where your mind is finally able to understand love, and on April 1, 2012, I accidentally made close contact with another gay guy's butt and knew that beyond any shadow of a doubt, I was gay. I came out of the closet to friends and family a week later.
I often wonder what may have happened if I'd had a better sex education, the actual "birds and the bees" talk. Would I have come out sooner? But then, considering that from third grade on, I was homeschooled and then put in a Christian school for one year, I likely wouldn't have heard an LGBT positive view.
Not long ago, I was looking at Yahoo Answer's LGBT section and found a question asking when you first realized your sexual orientation/gender identity. In the 2012 blog, the way it was written, I made it sound like it was a recent realization. The truth is, I probably would have identified as gay years ago with better sex education.
My parents never had "the talk" with me. The most I got was assurance was that some woman would find me attractive and that I should follow up on it. Well, I'll be honest... Some women did. At church camp one summer, a girl got an all-out crush on me and went out of her way to say hi. I simply was not interested and probably brushed her off a bit ruder than I should have. On two occasions, women have asked me to marry them. Both times, I let them down. (I was dating neither. One was a coworker who was married with children. The other was a friend I chatted to online.)
"You just haven't met the right girl yet" is the mantra to encourage single guys in this situation. And in my case, it was true: I hadn't met the right girl yet. And I never will. Because she doesn't exist. And the more I think on this, the more I realize I should always have known that I never wanted to fall in love with and marry a girl. The signs have been right there, I just didn't know how to read them.
Thus, I'm presenting most of the times in my past when my same-sex attraction seems obvious. Most, because there are some that I've elected to stay private. I'm typically pretty open about my life, but there are things that I just don't want to share with the world.
I've had a fascination with other guys (particularly their bodies) as far as I can remember. Being the third kid in a big family, if I had a bad dream, sometimes I'd go to my oldest brother and sleep with him. Thinking back on that, I know what I liked was his warm, comforting body near mine.
When I finally heard what homosexuality was, I kind of sneakily looked up gay pornographic images online and found myself liking them. This was when I was 16 or so. I didn't have home internet access, so I had to fleetingly download it to a disc at a library before anyone noticed and I'd look at it at home.
My sister and I moved into an apartment when I was 20, and in a little over a year, she moved out to be with her then-boyfriend, now husband. After she moved out and I had the place to myself, at one point I considered a rent boy. I had heard a coworker use the term "bicurious" and wondered if that was me, because frankly, when I tried to imagine having sex, it always wound up being sex with another man.
Note, over this time, I had people making accusations about my sexuality and some people asking and wondering. I didn't date or go out with anyone. At all. I once worked with the church youth group and even taught that homosexuality was wrong, but I found myself saying that homosexuals weren't necessarily evil people. The woman who was teaching with me agreed. (Surprise, her husband came out a couple years ago.)
At age 25, I met a long-time pen pal in person on vacation and we shared rooms in hotels for a few days. I couldn't help but think that he was very attractive. I found my interest in men becoming more dominant as I got closer to 26. 25 is the age where your mind is finally able to understand love, and on April 1, 2012, I accidentally made close contact with another gay guy's butt and knew that beyond any shadow of a doubt, I was gay. I came out of the closet to friends and family a week later.
I often wonder what may have happened if I'd had a better sex education, the actual "birds and the bees" talk. Would I have come out sooner? But then, considering that from third grade on, I was homeschooled and then put in a Christian school for one year, I likely wouldn't have heard an LGBT positive view.
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