Saturday, April 19, 2014

I'm not okay.

I'm sorry if I'm not joining in on the holiday. For those of you celebrating, I hope you have a great Easter. Me, I'm working in the morning and afternoon and will likely just be at home in the evening.

Just like every other night.


I'm not okay.

Recently, I just feel stuck. As some of you know, I've more or less been at the same job for about nine going on ten years now. And frankly, it is not a job I want to be in. Last year, a friend suggested I look into a specific field. Well, I did and had a number of job interviews, and apparently failed them all. I get e-mails every day from a couple job search sites with positions that I don't apply for. Perhaps I'm just sure that if I tried, I wouldn't get them.

I also live with my brother in a small apartment, and frankly, I need out. He and I are not a good roommate match. Maybe it's me, maybe it's him, but we just don't work. Also, I need space. Tonight the lack of space was almost unbearable when my little brother visited.

I've recently realized how little of figuring out who I am I've actually done. While I try to keep in mind that this isn't a bad thing, I keep getting certain people who want to crow about their accomplishments, specifically people who have basically scolded me about my life. And I know, this is my life, but they need to understand that just because one person can be married and having kids and renting or mortaging a house by my age doesn't mean my life is any less just because it hasn't happened for me yet.

And I want to tell them this. I'm happy they've gone so far, and really don't want to sound like I'm conflicting statements. I also don't want to be saying, "It's all so easy for you," because I'm sure from their perspective it wasn't. But from where I am, it almost seems that way.

Frankly, I'm depressed over this, and the toll it's taking is becoming noticeable. Technical issues aside, I've barely done any work on the next episode of my podcast and don't blog as often as I used to. I can't seem to get into my creative writing so well either.

This isn't just my creative output. At work yesterday, I had a full-on mood swing. I tried to laugh it off, but it happened. Overbearing people become unbearable, and I even admitted to a couple homicidal fantasies about them. (Also, decreased sex drive, but let's not go there.)

I haven't written about this issue in this level. I have put out a few tiny cries for help that have gone ignored. There's been no one I feel comfortable with talking about it. Even in private chats with my dear friends Jami and Tiffany, I've had trouble spilling to them.

So on top of not being able to get a new job and thus try to get my own place, my current state of mind now is really not helping.

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