Monday, December 29, 2008

Do other countries generally misunderstand each other?

I think so! I was walking to the bank today, and passed a Long John Silver's restaurant. On the sign was "LONDON STYLE FISH AND FRIES $1.99."

Oh, come on! Almost everyone knows that over in the UK they call them "fish and chips!"

Of course, however, I've heard of a UK restaurant that really misunderstood American food...

(By the way, an actual American fast food breakfast consists of coffee, tiny hash brown patties, an egg patty, cheese, and a breakfast meat like sausage or bacon sandwiched in a biscuit, english muffin, croissant, or even in a tortilla.)

Speaking of cuisine, my father and sister (Dad lived in Mexico for awhile while he was growing up, my sister went on a few mission trips there) tell me we have Mexican food all wrong. One item often served in Mexico you won't find at Taco Bell: cactus.

And now let's move up to the stereotypes. By now a lot of us know that every Japanese man is not a karate master and not every Chinese person is a Sumo or Kung Fu master. Still, stereotyping people in other countries REALLY irks me. I can't really enjoy Weird Al's "Canadian Idiot." I know it's all done in fun, but I just can't. I also find that episode of The Simpsons where Bart offends Australia repulsive. Are we Americans really so ignorant of other cultures? I mean, take a look at this stereotyping of Scots done by Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane:

That would have you think that every Scotsman wears a kilt all the time and the only instrument they know are the bagpipes. Forget that! For the ongoing adventures of a real Scotsman, see here. (And by the way, they love Back to the Future over there.)

Man, if we could only realize that not-that-down-deep, most cultures are the same, we might have fewer international disputes.

Well, I guess we all do agree on one thing: even though it's not good for you, everything is better fried in hot cooking oils.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Boxing Day...

Well, up came Boxing Day (which isn't a holiday in the U.S., but it is in Canada, the UK, Australia, and several other countries). I was awoken by the alarm I'd set on my otherwise useless cell phone at 5:30 AM. I got out of bed at 6 AM. (I'm a lazy man when I can afford to be...) About 7:45, I got a call from Shaun, saying he was picking me up soon. I hurriedly got dressed, popped some aspirin (because I had a headache), and locked the door and ran downstairs. Then I ran back upstairs and grabbed my camera. Shaun came shortly, and we ran to Wal-Mart to pick up THE last gift: a new DVD player for Aaron and Jessica.

Shortly after we got there, my Mom and the kids showed up. Surprisingly, we didn't have a lot of family drama... Dad read the Christmas Story from Luke and Matthew, then we did presents. All my presents were well-recieved, and here's my haul for the year:

  • A new coat, actually from a co-worker who noticed the seven-year old cloth jacket I was wearing had been tearing and was wearing out in the elbows.
  • A paperback edition of E.T.A. Hoffman's The Nutcracker, illustrated by Maurice Sendak (I actually have an old hardcover, but it's showing wear. This was from Dad.
  • Also from Dad was a cool Chronicles of Narnia keychain, shaped like Peter's Aslan shield, with Mr. Beaver's prophecy about Aslan and Spring. ("Wrong will be right when Aslan comes in sight...")
  • Audrey and Shaun surprised me with a copy of the I Can Has Cheezburger book. I love LOLCats!
  • Aaron and Jessica gave me a heavier jacket than my old one, but this was black. They also gave me a long-sleeve charcoal colored shirt. I had just been thinking I didn't have one...
  • Someone was giving us sampler boxes of Russel Stover's chocolates. I'll go ahead and attribute to little sister Genevieve...
  • Mom gave me ANOTHER jacket, this one almost like my old one, just heavier.
  • Daniel gave all his brothers stocking caps. That will help!
  • Audrey and Shaun also gave me the 3-disc DVD of The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (just confirmed to be the last Narnia movie released by Disney), the one thing I'd been asking for. (Though I did say people could also get me the 2-disc of Iron Man, but no one did.) It was odd, because I gave my little brother Arthur a copy of the 1-disc version, but through a mix-up, my Dad opened it instead. I quickly set that right, and Arthur opened Dad's gift from me, Walt Disney Treasures: Annette.
  • And Arthur gave me a clip to put on my glasses to make them sunglasses. Right now, wearing them makes my eyes ache, but I've decided it might be because of my old pair. As soon as I get my W-2, I'm filing my taxes and buying a new pair.

Al Cook, I did get suitably spoiled, thank you very much. I'm actually surprised at the lack of junk that was gifted this year! Usually Mom and the kids hit the $1 shops and thrift stores. (We have gotten gifts with 25 cent stickers still attached!)

I also took LOTS of photos that I've put on Facebook. (LINK)

After the exchange, we took out trash, did some Super Smashing on the Gamecube, then Mom, Dad, Drew, and the kids left. The rest of us (Aaron, Jessica, Audrey, Shaun, and myself) got lunch from Jimmy John's, and watched The Dark Knight (my gift to Shaun, 2-disc, of course), while we wait for Shaun's dad and stepmother to arrive. Arrive they did, but I didn't get to meet them, because as quickly as they had come, they left, taking Audrey and Shaun with them. After tiring of some solo Super Smashing, Aaron and Jessica decided to do some sight-seeing and possibly some shopping. They offered to drop me off back at home, which I took them up on, because I was bored and had been gone for about ten hours, plus I wanted to write this blog...

...which was interrupted when my cat unplugged my surge protector. Thank goodness Blogger has that auto-saving of blogs!

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Christmas Alone

Yep, I got Christmas Eve off (because I usually have Wednesday off), Christmas Day off (because they're closed on Christmas), and Boxing Day (which isn't an American holiday) off (more on why I wanted it off in a bit).

My family opted to do our gift exchange on the 26th (less stressful for my oldest brother Aaron and his wife, Jessica, whose place we'll be celebrating at).

Doesn't help that two presents I ordered haven't arrived. (Just watch, they'll be here on the 27th. That's my luck!)

So, yeah. I'm home, alone.


Hah! Home Alone reference! And Home Alone 1 and 2 happen to be two of the movies I rounded up to celebrate the holiday with. Other movies I've already seen are...

The Nativity Story (2007)
Dorothy in the Land of Oz (1980), it's more of a Thanksgiving special, but there's a Christmas song in there.
A Christmas Carol (1999), the movie with Patrick Stewart
Bad Santa (2003), it wasn't very Christmas-sy...
It's A Wonderful Life (1946), though you realize how little of this movie takes place at Christmas time?
Home Alone (1990)
Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)

Right now, I've got in A Christmas Carol (1984) with George C. Scott. There are so many good versions of Dickens' tale, I can hardly be content with seeing just one. I've also got Mister Magoo's Christmas Carol (1962), and The Muppets' Christmas Carol (1992).

There's also A Christmas Story (1983), The Snowman, the version introduced by David Freakin' Bowie(!), (1982), A Garfield Christmas (1987), and The Polar Express (2004).

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

The Best Christmas Ever!

This story is a work of satire. Do not take it seriously. It was actually originally written when I was younger and just wanted to do something funny. I wrote it as a play using the "American Girls Premiere" program on the family's PC, always an never-ending source of fun.

The Best Christmas Ever!

"Merry Christmas!" called Mr. McIntire, as the children found their presents under the tree.

His oldest daughter Jill looked out the window.

"Should we let Mrs. Gilford in?" she asked, regarding the 45 year-old woman standing outside.

"No," said Mrs. Gilford. "I'm fine...standing out the cold... outside, looking in..."

"Well," remarked Mrs. McIntire, "good thing she's okay! Time for PRESENTS!"

Jill's gift was a snowglobe. Her slightly younger brother Ricky got a strange round object with a speaker and three buttons on it. Molly found a pretty doll dressed as nurse. And the youngest, Brad, got a toy dog to play with.

"Sweet!" exclaimed Ricky. "I got a radio!"

"No, it's not," replied his father. "Press button 1, then button 2, then button 3."

On the first button, the speaker blared out "SHUT UP." On the second, it said "KISS MY BUTT." And on the third, it said "GO TO HELL."

"Oh, this is fun!" shouted Ricky.

He pushed button 1 twice, then button 2, then button 1 twice again, then button 3.


Ricky laughed as everyone shouted, "This is the best Christmas ever!"

Everyone except Mrs. Gilford. Outside, she shivered. "So... cold..." she moaned, then collapsed.

Ricky's gift is a rip-off of an episode of "The Simpsons."

Monday, December 22, 2008

My 12 Days Of Christmas...

This year, on Facebook, I decided that on 12 consecutive days in December, I'd post in my status messages that parodied "The Twelve Days Of Christmas." Today was the last day, so here they all are. I don't find them particularly hilarious, but they make for a fun read.

Jared is NOT giving someone a partridge in a pear tree.
Jared didn't order two turtledoves from
Jared finds three french hens to be delicious...
Jared wants to make those four calling birds SHUT UP!!!
Jared pawned the five golden rings at Gold Digger's Exchange & Pawn and got really ripped off...
Jared is beating the egg market with six geese a-laying.
Jared is listening to Yogi Yorgesson while watching seven swans a-swimmng.
Jared is watching eight maids a milking because he's low on milk.
Jared missed the nine ladies dancing... Yes, that is a tragedy.
Jared can't even rent the Ten Lords A Leaping service, so don't ask!
Jared finds the eleven pipers piping annoying.
Jared wore earplugs around the twelve drummers drumming. It's over... Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

My Christmas PlayList 08!

Over the years, I've heard Christmas songs that tickle my funny bone! Here's several of them, all hosted via YouTube videos, in a playlist viewer. I want to note that while the audio is classic Christmas comedy gold, the video accompanying them is nothing great. You might want to hit "Play" and go do something else, listening to them as you go...

1. Yingle Bells by Yogi Yorgesson. Using a Swedish accent, Yogi (aka Harry Kari) tells us how riding in a one-horse sleigh is overhyped...
2. I Yust Go Nuts At Christmas by Yogi Yorgesson. Yogi sings of hectic Christmas shopping, then tells us his own "Night Before Christmas," including one of my favorite lines:
"And over the radio, Angel Gabriel is saying,
'Peace on Earth, everybody, and goodwill towards men,'
And yust at that moment,
Someone slugs Uncle Ben."

3. The Christmas Party by Yogi Yorgesson. In the last of the three Christmas songs by Yogi I found on YouTube (more here), we hear of the wonderfully crazy and out of control office Christmas parties.
4. Green Chri$tma$ by Stan Freberg is a a hilarious and refreshing look at an over-commercialized holiday.
5. (I'm Getting) Nuttin' For Christmas by Stan Freberg. No one beats the original version of the bad little boy who's being skipped by Santa (and knows it). I especially love the ending!
6. St. George and the Dragonet by Stan Freberg. In a parody of Dragnet, Stan defeats the Dragon. I'm not sure why this was included on a Christmas tape I grew up with, but it sure is hilarious!
7. I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas by Gayla Peevey. Who can forget the little girl who wants a Christmas present that's far too big for her stocking?
8. All I Want For Christmas (Is My Two Front Teeth) by Spike Jones. Once again, this version is the best! No one else captures the same lisping sound and charm.
9. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus by Jimmy Boyd. Another unsurpassed original. The little girl who saw her mother kissing ol' Saint Nick.
10. The Twelve Days of Christmas by Natalie Cole. Not the original version, but the most hilarious! There's a wonderful twist that kicks in on the Ninth Day! I love this one!

Merry Christmas! May these tunes brighten your holiday season!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

No credit for me.

This week, I've been turned down by two credit agencies.

I have never had a loan, never had a credit card, never had a mortgage. I've always paid my bills on time, and I've kept a checking account active and paid off any overdrafts in a timely manner since 2005. Either I have been turned down due to my parents' poor credit history, or because of another reason.

My name is on file with a collection agency.

I was once conned into getting magazine subscriptions from a small company called Omnipresent, and I quickly decided afterward that I didn't want the magazines I'd subscribed for. I asked to cancel, but they told me that there was practically no way to opt out. I then canceled the debit card they had on file and returned all of the magazines that came to my door. I checked them on the Better Business Bureau, they had an unsatisfactory record. They also told me they had a website, but I did a thorough search, and found no such site.

I avoided phone calls from them, because I felt (and still do!) that my rights as a customer were being violated. They had gotten me into a situation that they had provided no way out of, even though there should have been. (They told me I couldn't cancel, but I could switch which magazines I was subscribed to, which made no sense at all.)

Anyways, in October 2007, I got a notice from a collection agency asking me to pay a $300 settlement or a full $525. I did not respond, and have not heard anything since. I have checked for Omnipresent's status on the Better Business Bureau again, and they weren't listed. (Heh...)

Still, I'm guessing that's left a nasty mark on my credit record.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Digital TV is mine...

Well, I now have one of those Digital TV converter boxes. Yaaayyy... Now I can watch television in almost DVD quality on my analog set. Woot... I often say I don't watch TV, but there are some shows I tune into about once a week, though if I miss them, I'm not apt to care about it. Only problem is, I need a new antenna, because with the one I have now, the video lags and gets corrupted. Just like digital video on a slow computer...

I turned on "Don't Forget The Lyrics," and they have three women and three girls singing Christmas songs. WELL-KNOWN Christmas songs, like "Jingle Bell Rock." This is stupid. This is no challenge at all.

But anyways... You know what movie they should make? The Legend of Zelda! From all of the great games Nintendo has churned out, there is definitely material for an epic feature film set in Hyrule. I just don't think the audience would respond well to a mute hero. (But that can be changed.)

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


Quite a few months ago, I watched the Star Wars trilogy. Not the prequel trilogy (I saw the first one of those shortly after the VHS release, and did not care for it at all), the original trilogy. I rented them through Netflix, and, for any of the dorks out there who care about these things, I managed to see the original versions.

I thought the first one was an all right movie, good story, plenty of adventure and action, a fun movie, but the next two get so wrapped up in this universe, I lost interest. Not really fun to watch at all. Am I a Star Wars fan people have asked? Before I saw them, no. And now that I have, no.

This happen to you? When you were a kid, you saw a movie, you loved it, you thought it was great, so you scrape up enough money somehow to buy a video tape version of it, which you watch several times, then the tape gets misplaced or put away, and you've seen the movie so many times, you just don't worry about it.

Then, years later, you find the movie on DVD, and think, "Oh, I loved that movie!" So you buy it. Eventually, you pop it in and watch it for the first time in a few years, and think... "What did I see in this movie?" That for me, is The Indian In The Cupboard. Good books, though.

A very different case was the Back to the Future series. When I was a kid, my oldest brother had the first movie and we watched it quite a few times, then one day, my parents rented the other two and we watched all three in succession. (Yes...) And that was about the only time I'd seen them all... For years! Until I rented the first one from Netflix earlier this year, and discovered just how good they were.

And there's also the case of The Lord of the Rings trilogy. I probably haven't seen The Return of the King since 2005. About 2 months ago, I did see The Fellowship of the Ring, but was rather overwhelmed with how much it reminded me of old friends of mine who were also Rings fans that I've lost contact with. Last night, I did watch the first half of The Two Towers. (I have the original Theatrical Edition DVDs, widescreen of course, the Extended Editions, and the Limited Editions, and all of the discs that came with the gift editions of the Extended Editions. That's twenty-seven discs I rarely watch but don't want to get rid of.)

There's some movies and franchises I think need remade or re-booted. Here you go...

The Indian In The Cupboard series: they only made a movie of the first one, but the other four books in the series had some very cinematic moments. Though, considering how book 3 only has a light plot, and book 4 is mainly exposition, I think they should be combined into the other three stories.

Anne of Green Gables should get a new shot at the big screen. There was a silent flick, a movie in 1934, a BBC mini-series, an anime series, the famous Megan Follows mini-series/movie with it's sequels, and an animated television series. The Megan Follows version has been the best adaptation that still exists, but the sequels to it really strayed from the books. The deal is, after the first two, director/writer of the series got sued by L.M. Montgomery's estate for not paying them royalties, so he lost adaptation rights to the books. So, his third mini-series, and his fourth (premiering next week in Canada), as well as his animated series, were based on his own adaptations, which is rather sad, since the books have some really good stories. Only problem with a feature-length theatrical movie is how much of the book will be onscreen, and how memorable virtually every part of the books are. (Maybe extended home video versions could help there...)

And of course, I'm always up for more of L. Frank Baum's works as film versions...

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Christmas Shopping 08

Looks like I'm doing almost all of my Christmas shopping online this year. Due to a tight wallet, I'm just shopping for immediate family. Maybe I'll get some cards or bake some cookies for my friends. My family can't expect too many gifts, but they won't be getting trashy dollar store items, either.

I avoided Black Friday because I was broke.

The worst thing about Christmas shopping is realizing how out of touch you are with your family.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Something that's really irritating...

Okay, so you get a phone call. We know now that phone calls are made by people or machines, notifying you of some stuff, trying to get your money or vote in an election, or a friendly chat.

In the days leading up the election this year, my phone would ring, and someone would be trying to get me to vote for their candidate. What I found odd was how low they were speaking. Eventually, I'd had enough of trying to make out what they were saying and just hung up.

Today, someone was trying to call me about a business opportunity I'd looked into and left my phone number and e-mail address for. When they called, I could BARELY hear what they were saying! I even said, "I can't hear what you're saying," and they just continued speaking in the same low tone! I hung up again!

Later, I got an e-mail from the person saying that I obviously wasn't interested.

While these two items are very different, the same reason applies... If you're not willing to communicate CLEARLY what you're trying to say, apparently, you don't believe in it that much, and considering all the scams in politics and business, I can't afford to take risks. If your candidate, opinion, or business is so great, SPEAK UP!!!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Quick blog...

So, most of you heard about the unfortunate case of the Wal-Mart employee who opened his store on Black Friday last week. I just posted a comment about it on a video on YouTube, and I said this...

It is all the shoppers' fault for trampling the guy. I find it odd that they killed him in a rush to buy gifts that we use to celebrate a season of love, Peace on Earth, and Goodwill to Men...

Have some goodwill as I crush your skull is more like it...

Best Christmas Rant Ever...

Heh... This is the best rant I've ever heard regarding Christmas or "holiday" celebrations in America.

Dear Santa, or Guy Known For His Beard,
This letter is from Foamy with squirrelly cheer.
Most people would start by asking for stuff,
But not this little squirrel, I have more than enough.
Though this year I ask for a simple request,
I know you're just Santa, but give it your best.
As seasons go by we grow greater complaints,
Of seeing icons of Jesus and statues of saints.
This Christmas I would like to enjoy it once true,
Without liberal schmucks burning pictures of you.
Some don't like Christmas and I can't really see why:
We get to eat turkey, get presents and pie.
(PETA might not like the turkeys of course,
But gifts for the masses! How is that wrong?)
Folks who hate Christmas scream "Tolerance for all!"
But intolearate difference when it's right out their door.
They bitch and complain about Christmas in town,
While menorahs and Kwanzaas are on the school grounds.
It's a known double-standard both simple and true,
So I've devised a solution, especially for you!
I know you give coal to those who are naughty,
But may I suggest something more sporty?
I would lace candies with minty fresh poison,
And give them to morons, so they can enjoy them.
What better way to put this issue to rest
Than to get rid of those whiners with CANDIES OF DEATH?
So forget all the toys and stuff on my wishlist,
I just want to have an enjoyable Christmas!
(But of course if you find room on your sleigh for a treat,
Cream cheese is good and bagels are neat!)
That's all from the Foamy, and I'll see you real soon,
And make sure you bring candies, I have morons here, too!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Thanksgiving 08!

If you're expecting me to tell about my wonderful, WONDERFUL holiday experience... You're in for a wait.

First off, my family decided we would celebrate Thanksgiving this Saturday, so I have devoured no turkey today at all. (I could have sworn I smelled it when I got home from work, though. Maybe it was someone down the hall.)

In fact, today I had to work, and get this... we don't get holiday pay. Yep, although I wasn't one, some of my other coworkers' families had to wait on their Thanksgiving plans for them to get off of work, and received no compensation. That's a conglomerate for you...

Also, since I take the bus to work, and on holidays, the bus runs on the night schedule, which doesn't go by my place. So, I had to ask one of the managers for a ride to work. She obliged, but I had to be ready to go about 6AM when I'm scheduled for 8AM. It was either that, or walk in the near dark.

I've really remained quiet about where specifically I work. Let me just say that this job does not challenge me and does not make use of my full potential.

Let it also suffice to say that we were very busy during the earlier part of the morning, but by the time I left at 4PM, we were DEAD...

Having no ride home (no one else got off at 4), I decided to walk. (I had also not eaten since I'd left home. I was, however, very well hydrated.) I pulled it off in 50 minutes. I also kept myself sane by listening to music on my little mp3 player. (Seriously... I need a better player... But until I can afford one, I'll just make do...)

I got home, IMed some friends, then Audrey and Shaun came over, and I went with them to the big, evil, and really huge new Wal-Mart, where they did more Christmas shopping. (I haven't even started...) They did buy me a Mt. Dew, though... Those two seriously rock!

And, well, yeah, that was pretty much it. Thanksgiving '08... Good day, TERRIBLE holiday.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The Problem With Buying Used DVDs...

As a cheapskate as well as movie and book (and sometimes music) collector, I often buy used copies of DVDs from online services and specialty shops.

All but one of my DVDs in my collection is encoded in Region 1 (or it's Region-Free, but this is mainly in DVDs I've made myself). That one is the recent 3-disc edition of Peter Weir's brilliant Picnic at Hanging Rock. I had to order that one from the UK since that's the only country that got that terrific release. (Which I find odd, since it was an Australian movie.)

This is why I had to unlock my DVD player for all regions and void the warranty...

But, three excellent movies I have were Region 1, but were still from another country: Canada. Now, Canada uses Region encoding, so there's no issue with them. In fact, most DVDs you will find have a French alternate audio track so if a US-released DVD just happens to wander over up north into Canada, it can still be re-distributed to both French and English speaking customers.

SO... which DVDs do I have from Canada?

Return to Oz
The 1985 Disney movie, now a cult classic. I got this one through Amazon's used DVD services. Not bad, though the the notice for an added French track on the front cover is annoying.

Back to the Future Trilogy
Well, I guess that really counts as three movies, but it was one DVD release... But I bought this one at a local shop. I also traded in several unwanted DVDs for it, the end price being only $3. All of the package blurb, including the title, is also printed in French. A little too much for my eyes, but, oh well. (They're doing a new release next year.)

Finally, Trainspotting
Also ordered from a used Amazon affiliate. The French title on the spine and in parenthesis on the front and discs are negligible, still, it's a little odd seeing the summary repeated on the back.

... Did I just do a whole blog about Canadian DVDs? Heck!

Hahaha... It's my first animation with Flash! HILARIOUSLY BAD! And hosted on my new YouTube channel.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Websites I'm Surprised No One Owns (Yet)

Just doing some random searching...
No one owns theses sites that might prove interesting if they existed...

Strangely, these sites DO exist:

Seriously, type in whatever you feel like and add ".com" and see what you come up with!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

A Good Day Yesterday

Yesterday, I had work at 10 AM. However, I also had a package to mail off to a friend in Australia, so I resolved I would catch an earlier bus to head over to the Post Office, since international packages require a customs form.

My biggest misgiving was that shipping to another country is a little pricey, and I hadn't yet paid my electric bill for the month. Just five minutes before 8 AM, when I was going to catch the bus, I called City Utilities automated system to see if I'd been billed yet, whilst I also pulled on my shoes. I had been billed at last, the amount being just under $50. Fortunately, the most secure way of paying them without a cash, check, or money order presented or mailed to them, is using your credit or debit card over the phone, so, I paid the bill off and headed out the door and locked it behind me, just at the stroke of 8.

Then I unlocked the door because I'd forgotten to grab the package...

I managed to catch the 8 AM bus. My plan was a little risky, catching the Line 14 from the Line 8. Fortunately, I mentioned my plan to the driver who reminded me that a quicker route downtown would be to catch the Line 1. I caught the Line 1, and rode it down to the News-Leader offices, which was right next to the Post Office. (Both of which each take up a whole city block.)

I got into the Post Office at 8:30 AM and was given a customs form to fill out, then I paid for postage, which was about $17.

Now my main concern was getting to work on time. I walked back to the News-Leader, and surmised that the next Line 1 going my way (Line 1 also runs straight by my work, I never take it there as it doesn't go by my apartment) would be on the other side of the street. However, after crossing the street and checking the bus map, I discovered that it was not going that direction, so I set off walking to the Bus Terminal.

Luckily, the Bus Terminal is just outside the City Square, which is right down the street from the News-Leader... By about four blocks.

As I took the walk, I reflected that it was actually a nice walk to take, and wished that I wasn't in a rush to get to work and that I'd also had my camera with me. I shall have to do that sometime.

As it was, when I reached the Bus Terminal, about 8:45, there was a Line 1 waiting there, with no driver in it yet.

While I stood waiting, I noticed on the side of the bus a banner reading "FREE WI-FI ON THIS BUS, COMMUTE AND COMPUTE."

I immediately thought, They have got to be kidding! If I owned a laptop, I wouldn't take it on the bus. If for some reason I did, I'd keep it stored away and NOT use it so no one with less-than-honest tendencies would be tempted, as laptops usually run for more than desktop computers. Wi-Fi on a bus? USELESS!

Anyways, I got over to work about 9:10 AM, still very early, so I ran over to a gas station to check my bank balance at an ATM, as in addition, I had also gone grocery shopping the night before. Had a nice bit still left. I got to work about 9:15, so I had 45 minutes to spare to read my book and say hi to my coworkers, who I get along very well with.

After work, I went back home and relaxed for an hour and a half, before heading out again to cell group, where we just kicked back with tea, hot cocoa, cookies, and Kung Fu Panda.

Might not look like much, but heck, it was a great day!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Stuff Like This Turns A Man To Drugs...

Yeah, I was going to get some stuff done today, capturing some old video tapes to digital video, clean my apartment (since the video conversion is a "start and leave it" process), but, heck...

Lucky I have the day off.

I got up at 5AM, wakened by one of my managers calling, asking if I could come in a couple hours early before I reminded her I had the day off. Decided to start the video transfers, but found out the VCR I borrowed keeps an onscreen display on all of the time that would carry over to the transfer. I need the remote for the unit to turn it off, and I don't have the remote.

Then, about noon, my eyes started watering, I got a headache, and my nose started dripping. After lying down in the dark for a bit, I went to the bathroom and downed a couple pills of a nasal decongestant. Then, I popped a couple aspirins.

Five pills in one hour... Sheesh...

Friday, November 7, 2008

Heh... Morbid.

Ever since that time I sprained my knee (still hurts, by the way; Shaun told me knee injuries rarely heal), this weird, morbid scenario has been forming in my mind. Today, as I was leaving work, it came into fruition.

I'm riding a motor scooter, suddenly, my leg slips, my toes get caught in a small pock in the road, and... my leg tears off at the knee.
At this point, I think, Oh, crap... Because riding any two-wheeled vehicle requires balancing your weight, and with one leg, balance is hard or impossible to sustain.
So... I fall over. The scooter falls with me, crippling my other leg.
Of course, this is after it drags me a few feet...
I see a couple of ladies watching. One faints, the other just screams "Oh my gawd!"
My life's blood of course has been draining out since the leg-tearing, so I'm beginning to feel woozy and light-headed.
A few kids from the neighborhood run up and shout "Awesome!" "Do that again!"
With my last minute of consciousness, I pull out my cell phone, unlock it, manage to dial "9-1-1," hit the call button, but pass out before I can talk to anyone.
The call operator has been having a bad day and thinks it's a joke, so before anyone else gets the idea to call 911, the police arrive to see who pulled the prank. They of course call for paramedics, but I of course have bled to death on the way to ER.
I live on in a video on YouTube that some neighborhood kid filmed with his cell phone, but it gets flagged and removed due to violent content.

So, there we go. One way to meet a bloody, bloody death!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Something I Wish I'd Seen earlier...

I found this on Facebook. I thought it was funny. Two different versions of:


OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!



The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.' Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share. Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house,now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote!

Right, there are political references in here, but I thought it was funny and offers an interesting look at some mentality of some people who happen to be in the public eye.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

So... um...

I went to do my laundry at my apartment's laundry room. All of the washers were in use. Out of curiosity, I checked the dryers, all but 2 of them were in use.

After waiting 20 minutes, the lady who was using the washers finally arrived, smoking a cigarette, despite the sign saying, "NO SMOKING" on the door. She then proceeds to move her laundry to the dryers, saying "I act like I live here, I don't, I just work here."

. . . REALLY? I don't recall anyone besides the apartment manager and the maintenance men being hired on.

As I put my clothes in the washer, she comments that she saw a Barack Obama rally last night and it was so great.

Okay, so is this what we can expect from Democrats? Sounds pretty selfish and ignorant to me...

By the way, I'm not saying all Democrats are selfish ignoramuses, I'm just saying that so close to Election Day, that is a REALLY good way to represent your party.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Ozark Funny Tales

These stories are a welcome break from the previous stories. I wrote these up last year, and they were only seen by a friend I wrote them for.


Once, a friendly old man passed away. His friends and neighbors got up the biggest funeral that'd ever been in the Ozarks for him.

However, a couple of young fellows decided they'd take advantage of this. They were grave robbers. Back in those days, medical colleges would pay quite handsomely for dead bodies to examine and run tests on. What these robbers would do is wait until dark, dig up the coffin and put the corpse in their wagon, covered in straw, so no one would see it. Then, they'd put the coffin back in the ground, fill up the hole, and put all the flowers back, and no one would be the wiser.

That night, the weather turned pretty cold, and some freezing rain began to fall. The two robbers went into an inn for a hot cup of rum.

They were in that inn for awhile. They polished a whole bottle of rum between them, and then laughed as they watched a younger fellow stagger out the door. They got a bottle of whiskey for the road, and headed back out.

The road they were on was pretty bumpy.

"Think he's thirsty?" joked the driver, meaning the dead man in the back.

"Let's see!" said the other. He held the whiskey bottle out and said, "Rise up, ol' stiff, and have a snort o' whiskey!"

A figure sat up in the straw and held out his hand and said, "Don't mind if I do!"

Those two grave robbers fell out of the wagon and were in the next county by sunup.

The younger fellow who had staggered out of the saloon brushed the straw off of him. That straw had been pretty nice to sleep off his whiskey. He turned the wagon around and went back to town. Pretty soon, he found the dead man in the back, and turned it over to sheriff, who turned the corpse, and the grave robbers money that had been left in there, over to the old man's family.

The family was so grateful for the return that they used the money to have an even bigger funeral for the old man.

Not everyone gets two big funerals, not even in the Ozarks.


A rich widow lived all alone in an old cabin. She was a pleasant woman, and lived pretty contendedly, and loved having visitors. But she was a little odd.

One odd habit she had was that she kept her fortune in plain sight, in a glass jar over her fireplace. Word of this soon got out, and soon One-Eye Jack, the crafty robber, heard about it. He was called "One-Eye Jack" because he had lost an eye some time ago, and wore an eyepatch.

To help him rob the old lady, he got two friends to come with him. Late that night, they went to go do the deed. They decided to send one of them ahead to see if the widow was asleep. One of the two other robbers went to her cabin. All her windows were closed shut, but he noticed a small hole in the wall by the chimney. He peered in.

There was the widow, knitting. All at once she yawned and said, "There's one. Soon, there'll be two more, and..." here she looked directly at the hole, "I'll get my knife and cut a piece out of you."

That robber was scared to death, and ran back to One-Eye Jack.

"She knows we're coming!" he gasped, "And she's ready to put up a fight! She wants to cut a piece out of me!"

"Rubbish!" said One-Eye Jack, and sent the other robber to check on the widow.

The other robber went up to the hole by the chimney, only to see the widow yawn once again, and say, "There's two. Soon, there'll be the third, and..." she looked at the hole, "I'll cut a chunk out of you."

That robber ran and told One-Eye Jack what he'd seen and heard.

"Baloney!" chortled One-Eye Jack, and went to look himself.

When he peered through the hole, the widow yawned again.

"There's the third," she said, putting down her knitting, and picking up her knife. "And now, One-Eye Jack," she continued, looking at the hole, "I'm going to cut a slab out of you!"

With that, One-Eye Jack took off running, and the other two robbers didn't catch up with him until they'd reached the next county.

The widow walked over to the chimney, and cut a piece out of a large, dried Jack Salmon she had hung on the wall. (She could only see one eye on it.) She out the piece in her mouth and began to chew, and headed off to bed.

She had a touch of rheumatism, and she heard fish oil was good for that. And if you yawned pretty big three times, it was time for bed, wasn't it?


One day, a well-fed boy was walking down the street. He was passing the graveyard when he stopped. He heard something: voices.

"You take this one, I'll take that one."

There was a pause, then he heard it again! It could only be one thing! He ran home, lickety-split!

When he got home, his father was on the porch.

"Pop!" he shouted. "I just heard it!"

"What, son?"

"In the graveyard! It's the Lord and the Devil! They're divvying up the souls!"

The father looked at his son sternly.

"Boy," he said, "I've told you to stay out of the corn-liquor."

"No, honest to goodness, pa! Come on! Hear it for yourself!"

The pop shook his old head.

"Son," he said, "You know I ain't done no big walks for five years now, what with my game leg and all. You're gonna haveta carry me."

The boy grabbed his father and hurried down the street.

As they got to the graveyard, they heard it again.

"You take this one, I'll take that one."

They listened to this awhile, then they heard the voices say something else.

"Well, there's none left but these two. Tell you what. I'll take the old, shriveled one, and you take that plump one!"

Fearing their souls had now been claimed, the boy ran home! But you know what? His pop beat him by a solid minute!

It was too bad they stick around longer. Otherwise, they could've caught the two boys who had stolen the paw-paws from their trees.


A drunk was walking through a cemetary on his way home from a party. He was staggering pretty bad, when he fell into a freshly-dug grave for a funeral the next day. The cold brought him back to his senses, and he tried to climb out, but it was no use. After an hour, he decided to wait until morning. By then, someone would find him and help him out.

Soon, another drunk came through the cemetary, even worse off than the first. He fell into the same hole. The first man watched him try to scramble out, before saying, calmly:

"You know, you can't get out of this grave."

But the second drunk did!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

OZARK HORROR: Pennywinkle

"Pennywinkle, Pennywinkle,
I was murdered, I was eaten,
I was buried.
I want to see, I want to breathe,

Mandy woke up in her bed. That dream was too strange and fantastic. But she knew that voice. Did the dream have something to do with her? She thought about everything she'd done that day.

She'd gone to school, leaving her little step-brother, William, alone with her mother. School had been just fine, she'd done well in her lessons. Then she came home and found that William was gone. Her mother said he had run away from home, though William had always seemed like such a happy young boy. Why would he run away from home? Then she buried a bag of pig innards under the marble slab. She then remembered what had happened then. Pennywinkles, those little blue flowers, had sprung up from the ground. When her father came home and heard about his son running off, he wanted to go after him.

He would, Mandy thought, William is his blood son. I'm just his step-daughter.

Her mother had him eat before he went, but Mandy had felt too sick to eat anything. Then she remembered how her mother had also felt sick. She didn't eat any of the pork, either. That was why Mandy hadn't joined her father on his way out. She was supposed to stay and help her mother.

She looked over at the other bed where her mother slept. That part of the cabin was pitch black.

Mandy sat up, and as she did so, a pile of pennywinkle flowers fell onto her lap.

~ ~ ~

"Pennywinkle, Pennywinkle,
I was murdered, I was eaten,
My sister buried me.
I want to see, I want to breathe,

Mr. Morgan woke up. It was cold. What was with that dream? He knew that voice. Slowly he remembered what had happened that day.

Early in the morning, he left his second wife alone with his son William. His step-daughter Mandy was off too school, but William wasn't quite old enough. He had gone to plow some ground, leaving his wife with one request: she butcher the pig and cook it for dinner. Everything had gone fine, until he came home and discovered William had run away. He was going to go after him, but his wife made him eat first. That pork had tasted very odd.

Mr. Morgan sat up, and as he did so, a pile of pennywinkle flowers fell onto his lap.

"Father!" screamed a voice in the distance. "Father!"

It was Mandy.

~ ~ ~

Mrs. Morgan woke up with a start. It had been a day where she wished she had never married that widower. But she had.

Her husband had never known that she hated his son, William. Of course, she never beat him, she was too clever for that. If she had done so, William would have cried to his father. So, she had beat the pig that was penned in the yard instead. When her husband had left that morning, she opened the pen, but the pig was so afraid of her, that it dashed away. She wasn't about to run off to look for a pig.

She had remembered this much, when she heard something.

"Pennywinkle, Pennywinkle,
My mother murdered me, My father ate me,
And my sister buried me.
I want to see, I want to breathe,

Mrs. Morgan sat up.

Something, or someone, was at the foot of her bed.

~ ~ ~

Mr. Morgan and Mandy hurried back to the cabin. The door was shut fast.

"Killed my son, made me a cannibal, and now she locks me out of my own home on a cold night!" he shouted between clenched teeth.

"Your axe, father!" cried Mandy. "Break down the door!"

Mr. Morgan ran to the woodpile and pulled out his axe. With a few blows, the front door to the cabin fell inward.

It was still and dark inside the cabin, so Mandy lit a candle. The two gasped at what they saw: Mrs. Morgan lay on her bed. Blood dripped into a pool on the floor. Her throat had been cut.

Mandy pointed to Mrs. Morgan's left hand, dangling from the bed. In it was permanently clutched her butcher knife, clotted with her own blood. Her right hand was on her breast, clutching a small handful of pennywinkle flowers.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

OZARK HORROR: The Ozark Wildcat

Late one evening, a young farmer was riding home after having his cow butchered. He decided to take a shortcut through Walleye Hollow.

Walleye Hollow was named for Old Walleyes, the legendary Wildcat of the Ozarks. He was like a panther, but almost as big as a bear. Folks said his head was as big as a washtub. If he got a smell for your blood, you'd better ride fast, or you were a goner.

The reason the beast was called Old Walleyes was because his eyes were foggy: he was blind.

But the young farmer took no stock in these tales. They'd been told for years. Probably Old Walleyes would be dead by now.

As he was passing the cave that Old Walleyes was said to live in, a wheel broke off of his wagon. He stopped the horse, and began to fix it. Night began to fall, and the smell of that fresh beef began to waft in the air.

All at once, from the cave, the farmer heard a growl, and a snort. Something was in there. It sounded hungry.

He began to use some wire to get the wheel fixed.

The sounds got louder. Something was coming out!

Finally, the wheel fit on the lynchpin. He got back on the wagon and got the horse going, when he heard the tailgate of the wagon shatter.

He looked behind him. There, were two pale, glowing orbs of light: Old Walleyes was real, and on his tail!

The horse needed no prodding and began to gallop.

Old Walleyes can't be that fast, thought the farmer. He's too big.

But as he looked behind him, he saw Old Walleyes keeping instep, and it looked as if he was actually catching up!

All at once the man had an idea. He dropped the reigns, turned, and kicked a slab of beef off the wagon. Better it than me, he thought.

He watched Old Walleyes stop and sniff the beef. He expected to see the monster begin to eat it.

The monster did eat it. In one gulp. The next moment, it was back on the trail.

The wagon passed through a couple of trees. It was very narrow going.

He won't be able to fit through there!

Old Walleyes got to the trees, and pushed them down!

The man kicked out another slab of beef off of the wagon. Old Walleyes stopped once again, and ate it down!

The farmer had got about thirty yards ahead, but Old Walleyes could run like a devil wind! Soon, it was trying to climb onto the wagon!

The farmer kicked the last of the beef into the road.

Old Walleyes stopped, and ate it down! But, soon enough, he was back, his hot, sticky breath smelling of fresh beef.

The wagon crossed through a stream.

The man looked behind him, expecting to see the monster still behind the wagon.

Instead, he saw Old Walleyes sitting on the other side of the stream, beef blood dripping from his mouth.

Then the farmer remembered the stories he'd heard: Old Walleyes can't cross running water, and he can't climb trees.

The man made it home, alive.

Years later, the farmer's son was taking a shortcut through Walleye Hollow after a trip to the butcher. When he was passing the cave, his wagon broke.

The son remembered his father's story and got on his horse and rode off.

Better it than me, he thought.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

OZARK HORROR: Mary & The Thing

"Mary," called Mr. Calhoun, "could you fetch my walking stick?"

"Of course, papa," said Mary, coming into the front room. "Are you going out so late?"

"No," replied her father. "I just came back. I forgot to pick it up."

"Where did you leave it?" she asked, wrapping her kerchief around her shoulders.

"In that fallow ground down the hill."

Mary nodded and headed out. It was just getting dark when she reached the fallow ground. She found her father's walking stick, but as she began to lift it, it cracked into the ground. Mary quickly thought of two explanations: someone or something had been buried there, either in a hurry, or it was a grave no one cared about.

Suddenly, something grabbed the stick from below her. She looked down. A withered, shrunken hand reached out of the ground and began pulling on the stick. She would have ran, but something had taken over her will. The strange thing climbed out of the ground. It looked kind of human, but it was shrunken and looked all dried up, like it was made of corn husks. It resembled a monkey more than anything else. But whatever it was, it was horrid.

The thing sat on Mary's shoulders. It was light, but it felt so heavy.

"Walk," it said, and Mary did. She did not want to, but her will was not her own.

"I hunger," said the thing. "I've had naught to eat for many a year."

At the first house they came to, the thing had Mary turn in. When Mary reached the house, though, the thing pulled her back.

"No!" it shrieked. "'Tis a God-fearing home."

Mary left the yard and went on to another house, but again the thing pulled her back.

"'Tis another holy home," it said.

Mary went on to another house. She recognized this one: it was the home of three old friends of hers, the three McClaren boys.

"Oh no," she thought, "Please, don't make me go in here!"

"Go in," said the thing. "There's none that serve the Lord in this home!"

The family was asleep. Mary saw the sky out of a window she was nearby. It was pitch black.

"It must be midnight," she thought. "But it was only about eight when Papa sent me to the fallow."

She began to wonder if she would ever see her father again, when the thing said, "Into the kitchen with ye."

It still held Mary's will, so she had no choice.

In the kitchen, the thing made her take a bowl and a sharp knife.

"Go upstairs," it commanded.

Mary went upstairs, the thing still astride her shoulders. She dreaded whatever the thing would make her do, but what could be done about it?

She went up, and found all three of the McClaren boys, asleep.

"Take their blood," said the thing.

Against her will, Mary slit each of the boy's throats, tears dripping from her eyes. She thought of all the wonderful times she had spent with them, and now she would never see them alive again. She caught the blood into the bowl.

After this harrowing ordeal, the thing made her go back into the kitchen.

"Make gruel!" it commanded.

And Mary did so. She boiled water, and poured in oats. Then she realized what the thing wanted the blood for. Against her will, she added the blood to the gruel, making a disgusting concoction in the pot.

"Serve us!" the thing commanded.

Mary took out two bowls and spoons and set places at the table. She divided the gruel into the two bowls. She began to wonder why there were two bowls, when the thing said:

"Now, eat a morsel!"

Mary felt she would vomit. With her hand trembling, she took up a spoon, dipped it into the gruel, and brought out a spoonful of it. She began to lift it towards her lips, but her hand shook so! All at once, the mess fell into her kerchief! But the thing still commanded her will, and she put the empty spoon in her mouth. Her jaws chewed on nothing, and her throat swallowed.

"Now ye be one of us!" said the thing.

Mary wondered at this, then she realized that the thing thought she had eaten it! It could not see below her chin!

The thing crawled off of Mary, and as it did, it's spell on her faded away.

It got up into the other chair, and began io eat it's own bowl of gruel. Mary pretended to eat, but when the thing was not looking, she dropped it into her kerchief.

Eventually, the meal was finished.

"Now, let's be off!" said the thing.

"Let me clean up first," replied Mary. She put the dishes into a sink. She looked down at her kerchief, filled with the bloody gruel. Did she want to carry that with her? She took it off and put it in the sink.

She turned to the thing. It grabbed her and crawled up her shoulders again. Once again, her will was taken over.

"Back to my grave," it said.

Mary began walking outside. She saw streaks of dawn against the sky.

"Now that ye be one of the dead," said the thing, "ye can know what we do. That gruel made you dead, but if any had been left and fed to those dead boys, they'd arise."

Mary felt her heart leap! She could save her old friends! But if only the thing would get off!

As they came back to the fallow, the thing pointed at a pile of stones.

"Under yonder cairn," it said, "lies my ill-gotten gold. Little good it did me in life."

The thing now got off her shoulders. Mary was free! She watched it climb into the grave.

"Come with me, Mary," it said, "to your new home."

"Nothing doing!" cried Mary. "I ate none of your hideous gruel!"

The thing began to swear, but the sun then rose, and sent a beam of light straight into the eyes of the thing! Mary grabbed the walking-stick and hit the thing with it. It broke into countless pieces, like strings, but soon collapsed into dust and was carried away by the wind.

On her way home, Mary stopped at the McClaren's. The boys' parents were upstairs, bewailing the loss of their sons.

"I think they caught fever," consoled Mary. "Maybe they've swooned."

"You're a crazy girl, Mary Calhoun," said Mr. McClaren. "I know how dead men look."

"Maybe I can help," replied Mary, holding out a bowl of water and her kerchief, which she had picked up downstairs.

"Let her," said Mrs. McClaren. The two parents left the room, leaving Mary to discover that her friends had perished.

Or so they thought.

The boy's mouths were all open to some extent when Mary had cut their throats, and she put some of the gruel inside each of their mouths. The boys began to move. Then, they opened their eyes and awoke. Then, they began to talk about terrible nightmares they had had.

The McClarens were glad to have their sons alive, but little did they know of the price Mary had paid for it.

Poor Mary never married. Throughout her long life, she never had the joy of having a child. But she did live comfortably. She bought the fallow ground where the thing had been buried. After that, she became mysteriously wealthy.

And, no matter who died, she never went back into the graveyard.

Monday, October 27, 2008


I had an odd dream last night where I lived in what seemed like a bigger version of my apartment. For some reason, I took in a few roommates. One was a lady, the others seemed to be my younger brothers and my youngest sister, but they didn't really feel like family.

Apparently, the lady and I had an agreement where she could stay if she kept the place clean. She complains to me in one vivid part of the dream:

"My last job was washing dishes for someone, do I have to do that?"

My reply was, "No, but you can start looking for another place to live."

Heheh... I can be so mean! And not just in my dreams...

So, I won a bid on a camera on eBay. It was a different color of the same model my sister Audrey and I bought a few years ago, in 2005, I believe.

I bought a new one because Audrey moved out and I let her have the camera. But eventually, I wanted my own again, so I decided to see if I could get the same type. Now I do, and it's red, not the first one's black, so the two will never get mixed up.

This model, the Samsung Digimax A503, can take photos with vary quality, has a zoom, lets you tint your photos and invert the colors, make them black and white or sepia tone; you can film video with color tints or inverted color or in black and white or sepia tone, and you can choose between two sizes of video, YouTube's 320X240, or DVD quality 640X480; and you can also record WAV clips.

Yeah... It might look like a regular digital camera, but it does so much, so of course I wanted a new one... (Still, for serious filming, you better get a good actual camcorder. That might be out of my price range for awhile... If the lighting's good, this will be fine.)

AND... because I have a camera, I can finally show you this:

This is my new cat, Jack. Audrey and Shaun rescued him from an inevitable cat fight. Right now, he's a little nuts, but I'm working on getting him disciplined. I do still miss Scot, but he'll never be fully replaced. You just got to get on with life and stop dwelling on the past.

I'll just make sure he doesn't run under the couch!

OZARK HORROR: Bloody Bones & Raw Head

This week, I'm re-running the original run of "Ozark Horror." These were originally shared with a friend via e-mail, then posted on my MySpace blog last year. Now they are on this blog.

Deep in the woods of the Ozarks, there lived an old witch. She wasn't the kind who would stir up trouble for anyone, but everyone was afraid of her and kept their distance anyways. Thus, she only had one friend: an old razorback hog who would dig up roots and herbs for her in return for her slops. Very soon, after eating all of her old potions, the hog began to talk and walk like a man.

One autumn, it was hog-scalding and butchering time. One lazy old man went into the woods to steal a hog. Sure enough, he found the witch's pet. He quickly took it down with his rifle. Then, he carried to Hog Hollow, where the farmers would scald their dead pigs to remove the rough skin and then butcher the hogs for meat for the winter.

As the old man was riding away in the wagon, the hog's skinned ("raw") head fell off and rolled back to Hog Hollow.

There must have been something strange in that witch's potions. When the head stopped rolling, it said, "Bloody bones, get up."

With that, the old bloody bones of the hogs formed themselves into a skeleton and picked up the raw head and set it on it's own shoulders.

Then, it ran into the woods, and borrowed items from the animals: the panther's fangs, the bear's claws, and the owl's eyes.

That night, the old man couldn't sleep. He got up. Then, he thought he heard something on the roof. He looked up the chimney and froze in terror.

There were two glowing eyes staring down at him, just above a shining set of teeth. He saw flashing claws that looked as sharp as razors.

And it was getting closer. The thing was coming down the chimney!

The next morning, the old man's cabin was found in a shambles. There was no sign of anyone, but there were horse-hoof tracks leading away from the cabin, back to Hog Hollow. The neighbors found nothing but bones, but somehow, they knew they were not hog bones.

They never saw the old man again, but on nights with a full moon, if someone were to look at the moon at midnight, they would see a skinny, headless, figure, wearing an old shirt and overalls, riding the old man's horse.

And while the figure has no head on his shoulders, he does have a head. He carries it with him, holding it up against the moon.

Old Raw Head and Bloody Bones.

Sunday, October 26, 2008


Kenneth Roberts was taking the old Springfield road to his new homestead in Arkansas. How sweet the Ozark air felt as it blew past him. The grass was so green, the ground so even for his wagon. As he passed a rugged outcropping, he looked up in the horizon at the clear, blue sky.

Suddenly, there was a thud in the wagon. Kenneth turned to see a dark, dirty man standing in board, a rifle held in his hands.

"What do you want?" demanded Kenneth.

The man didn't answer as he blew Roberts' head off. The body slumped down on the buckboard, and the dirty man kicked it off.

"Tell Saint Peter Alf Bolin sent you."

Stories were told in low whispers around Springfield, Ozark, and Forsyth about Bolin and his gang. Murder Rock was known for Bolin's gang to hide out at and sight and attack their victims. No one was sure how many people had been slain at Bolin's hands.

No one knew where Bolin had come from, at least, if they did, they didn't tell. The old Ozark wives claimed that someone so bloodthirsty could not be human. In their eyes, Bolin was a monster that crawled from Hell.

Only great-great-grandfather Cloud at James River knew where Bolin was from. He'd taken in the poor orphan from New Orleans. He had tried to be friendly to the boy, but any attempt to get on his level had been met with bitterness and anger.

When Alfred was sixteen, one day, he took one of Cloud's horses and rode off. Cloud had no idea what had become of Bolin, until he heard the stories of Murder Rock.

Finally, in 1862, word came that a posse from the Union Army was going to wipe out Bolin's gang once and for all. Cloud's heart soared in the hopes that the terror could be silenced once and for all.

About a week later, Cloud and his wife were quietly enjoying an evening at home when they heard a voice shouting to them.

"Cloud, come out!"

Cloud looked at his wife. That voice made their blood run cold.

It was Bolin.

Cloud walked onto to the porch.

"Cloud!" shouted the hooded man, who stood with two others and two tired horses.

"What is it?"

"Give us horses! And we'll take all the guns and shells you got on the farm!"

Cloud nodded. Maybe, just maybe, if he gave Bolin what he needed, this would help end the horror, Alfred and his men hiding out until the end of their days.

"Why, Alf, don't you know you can have anything on this farm that you need?"

The hooded man raised his rifle and shot Cloud dead, the new widow running to see what had happened. She was the next target and soon fell to the porch.

Bolin looked toward Cloud's stables, but he heard a horse approaching and he and his two companions jumped on their horses and rode away.

It was cold the next winter. Bolin was hiding alone in a cave when a young boy walked in, calling for him. Bolin recognized him as the son of one of his old gang members, Tom Richards.

"What is it, boy?"

"Mama says she got some news for you," slurred the boy. "She wants to tell you up at the house."

Alf nodded and followed the boy to the old cabin. As he entered, he noticed a strange man he'd never seen before.

"Who's that?" he demanded.

"A friend," replied Mrs. Richards. "But I got to tell you about Tom. They got him, Alf."

Bolin sighed and removed his gloves to warm his hands by the fireplace.

"It's too bad about Tom. Can I get some coffee? Thanks. He'll probably spill the beans."

"He did," replied the stranger, as he bashed in Bolin's head with the butt of a rifle.

Mrs. Richards took her son outside as the soldier in disguise continued to beat Bolin. Soon, the soldier emerged, dragging out the body of the man that so many had feared. He positioned the body on the chopping block, neck up. He raised the axe and it quickly fell.

Bolin's head was taken to Ozark, where it was identified by great-great grandmother Cloud, who had barely managed to escape Bolin's fire.

"That's him, and I'm glad to say it," she said.

Bolin's body was buried, but his head was put on display in Ozark, set on a high pole. The citizens were gratified by the gruesome sight.

One morning, the people of Ozark found that the pole had fallen over. The head of Bolin was nowhere in sight.

"Guess the hogs ate it," someone joked.

No one ever discovered the fate of Bolin's severed head.

People began claiming to see a headless ghost at Nickerson Ridge. It would jump out and scare travelers and their horses. While no one's seen it since 1959, some say it's Bolin's ghost, looking for his head.

This narrative is loosely based on legends about Alf Bolin, whose name has also been spelled Bolen and Bolden. No one seems sure of the truth of his life, but the murders he did at Murder Rock and the event of his death are very real. This narrative preserves many of the tall tales I discovered about him. I am including some links to pages about Bolin for further reading. You will notice that not all of their details match up. Not all of the elements could be true.

Link 1
Link 2
Link 3
Link 4

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Disney, STOP IT...

Okay, I recently bought the new Platinum edition of Disney's Sleeping Beauty. Well, I can say this: it is a good DVD release. The special features make quite a solid package, and the film presentation is excellent.

I wish they'd drop the music section of special features on Disc 1 of these releases. It usually consists of a sing-a-long of selected songs from the movie. I mean, some kid may enjoy this, but really, if you want the lyrics onscreen, there is the subtitles, and each song usually has it's own chapter, anyways, making this feature pointless.

The other is more annoying. They take a memorable song from the movie, and rape it.

Okay, maybe not rape.






Anyways... They re-arrange it for some new artist that usually originated on the Disney Channel to "sing" (someone who knows music has told me they actually "sing through their nose," which is not really singing at all, but speaking with the music, which Julie Andrews was forced to do in Princess Diaries 2, no slight to her, she had to because of a condition, but I digress) this song.

I first saw this when I bought my sister The Little Mermaid Platinum Edition, with "Kiss The Girl" sung by High School Musical star Ashley Tisdale. This kind of disgusted me, because the original had a reggae air to it that was lost in the new pop version.

Later on, when Peter Pan went Platinum, I bought it, as it was a favorite childhood film of mine. This featured "The Second Star To The Right" covered by T-Squad. I loved the song, but this cover was awful. The magical, choral sound of the original was replaced by "ain't we so cool?" pop CRAP.

Now, Sleeping Beauty I bought two copies of. A friend who lives overseas prefers the Region 1 editions, and will be paying me back. I bought my own because it looked like an excellent release of a Disney classic. This time around, it got worse as Hannah Montana's Emily Osment butchers "Once Upon A Dream."

Now, the previous cases, they were ruining original Disney songs, and if Disney's ruining their own songs, let 'em. BUT! In the case of this song, and all the other songs from the film, the music was not Disney's in the first place, but that of Tchaikovsky. Disney brilliantly adapted the music of his ballet for the score and music for the songs for their movie.

SO, this re-arrangement is not only offensive to hardcore classic Disney fans like myself, but also to fans of Tchaikovsky's classic music, as the video's song (though I can hardly bear to watch it) doesn't even sound like the original.

Please Disney, stop it with the pop CRAP. I know it makes money, but it's not art. It will make you some money now, but when time goes by, will it be remembered? Will it seriously be labeled "classic?" It's in all your recent movies and music.

The only Disney-released movies from the past few years I've been impressed with, they didn't really make: Walden Media and Pixar did. (Though I've not been a fan of everything Pixar...) Walt would be ashamed!

Saturday, October 18, 2008


The following story is loosely based on a true story. The men it actually happened to chose not to disclose their names, so technically, the names haven't been changed.

Jacob and Robert Steele were riding their horses down an old Arkansas road. They breathed in the fresh, Spring air.

"Sure is nice," sighed Robert.

"Yeah," replied Jacob. "Soon enough, there'll be cars all over..."

And with that, they heard a motor coming up the road toward them. It was a farmer riding a tractor. As he turned the bend, he looked behind him in fear. The tractor was coming straight at Jacob and Robert! Quickly they rode their horses off the road, but there was no need. The farmer noticed them and shut off his tractor.

"Stop!" he shouted. "Don't go any further!"

"Why not?" asked Jacob.

"That's Peter Bottom down there!"

"Yeah, the little valley meadow under Nob Hill, what's the problem with that?"

"Something horrible's down there!"

The two brothers looked at each other.

"Come on old man, this is 1966, no one believes in monsters anymore," said Robet.

"It's true! Didn't you hear about that newspaper article a few years back?"

"I think I heard. Some crazy old killer doctor who hid out there said there was a monster that lived in the cave."

"Right before he died," added Jacob.

"It's true! I saw it while I was in my fields!"

"Well, thanks for the warning, sir."

The farmer shook his head and drove off.

Robert and Jacob rode down into Peter Bottom. All at once, their horses stopped and the two brothers could not pull them along any further. They dismounted and tied the reins to a nearby tree.

As they came into the glen, they noticed a white patch in the grass some distance away. It looked like fur.

"Must be a dead cow or something," murmured Jacob.

When they were about ten yards away from the white patch, it began to stir. It suddenly stood up.

Jacob said later that they might have exaggerated some details because they had been scared, but they did describe what they saw:

"It stood like a man, but it was eight, no, nine feet high. It's pink face looked human, but it had those red eyes! It smelled strongly like old coffee grounds. It was covered in thick, white hair, and it made a noise like a radio sending signals."

The thing, whatever it was, began walking towards the brothers, but they turned and ran back to their horses and quickly rode out of Peter Bottom.

By the time they got home, Robert was almost in a state of shock, and had to be hospitalized for a couple weeks.

When people heard what the two brothers had seen, they decided they might be able to find the monster if they stuck together. Many hunting parties explored Peter Bottom and went into the cave. No one ever saw the monster under Nob Hill again.

People began to wonder if the monster was related to the Mo Mo, the Missouri Monster. The boys' description matched what people had claimed to see, except that it was white fur, and this was Arkansas. The Mo Mo reports usually described black or dark brown fur. Others thought it might even be an albino Bigfoot.

Not too long after the sighting, farmers reported that they had found their cattle torn apart in a strange fashion. Almost all claimed their hen houses had been broken into, many chickens being stolen, and some squashed to bits.

Even more shocking, the body of a farmer was found near his barn, his body torn apart, and some limbs missing.

Whatever might be in Peter Bottom, people are quite all right with leaving it alone.

No one goes under Nob Hill anymore.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Ozark Horror: True Horrors

They say every story has some truth in it, somewhere. Well, in the Ozarks, there have been sightings of ghosts confirmed by several people. These spooks have been seen in theatres, hotels, churches, and even out on the road.

The Landers Theatre in Springfield, Missouri has had several ghosts spotted. One has been seen watching performances from the balcony. One has been spotted looking out the window of a dressing room when no one was up there. From reports, it seems to be an actor dressed in Elizabethan-style clothing. Perhaps an unfortunate Hamlet? Other ghosts have been seen and heard in the seats when there is no performance being held. Other ghosts have only been seen out of the corner of the eye.

The Crescent Hotel in Eureka Springs, Arkansas seems to be as haunted as it is majestic. Guests have reported waking in the middle of the night and seeing unfamiliar people in their room. People have seen mysterious nurses, men dressed in the style of the early 20th Century, nurses pushing trolleys, and college girls dressed as if they were in school in the 1930's. They have felt presences, seen what they claim to be paranormal energy bolts, even heard and recorded strange voices. Many of the ghosts have been blamed on the fact that the hotel was once a phony cancer clinic that only gave their patients false hope of a cancer cure.

Other reports include lights turning on and off by themselves, guests feeling as if someone was trying to push them out of bed, windows and doors opening and closing by themselves, and hearing footsteps. One night, a clerk heard the toilet flushing and footsteps in room 218. Realizing the room had not been rented, he checked it, only to find it empty. The Crescent is considered America's most haunted hotel.

There are some people who say they can see and feel ghosts, or "spirits," as some prefer to call them. These people have reported sightings or feelings in schools, public buildings, even churches. In one case, a husband and his wife visited an old church, and the husband was told by a disembodied voice to leave, while the wife was told to stay. Gifted people have felt ghosts of children and teenagers who were murdered, killed by accidents, or committed suicide.

One of the most famous "spooks" in the Ozarks may or may not be a ghost. Some eleven miles southwest of Joplin, Missouri, a mysterious glowing orb is seen sometimes. This phenomenon, whether natural, supernatural, or paranormal, goes by the names of "The Joplin Spook light," "The Hornet Spook light," and "The Devil's Promenade." It has been claimed that the light is the ghosts of a disturbed Indian burial ground, or a ghost of an Indian looking for his lost lover, or that it's just swamp gas, or caused by reflections from car headlights, though reports have predated the heavy use of automobiles. People have seen the spook light moving like someone carrying a lantern. Others have seen it simply float in the air, though some claim that when they try to approach it, it vanishes and reappears elsewhere. Still, one unique report claims that the light approached their car, split and passed the vehicle on both sides, and rejoined on the other side.

One of the strangest true ghostly tales happened at a tourist attraction in Branson, Missouri. An employee for the Showboat Branson Belle, a recreated riverboat that goes on short trips into a lake while entertaining guests, claims she came into work late, and entered the main room of the boat. She found the room completely empty, a strange emptiness that made her feel very uncomfortable, so she left. When she told her managers and coworkers about the experience, they told her they had been in the main room at the time. Had she somehow stepped into an alternate dimension or time? No one knows.

In my childhood home, my mother claimed she heard a baby crying one night. The sounds came from the back of the house, which had been added on while we were living there. At the time, we had no babies. Even more strangely, once my sister claimed she saw a strange girl in a blue dress walking through the laundry room.

I may have once seen a ghost. I was looking out the new back door, and saw what looked like a mist floating towards the window of the screen door. As I watched it, the mist turned into the image of a skull with a red glow from the eye sockets. It seemed to begin to form a body as well, but I lost my nerve and ran to my bedroom.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

OZARK HORROR Season 2: Charlotte

Jack Cobbs was driving home one night from the mill. It wasn't very dark yet, but it was cold. He pulled up his mother's quilt around him.

As Jack turned a corner, he noticed a prettily dressed girl standing by the road. He stopped and greeted her.

"I need a ride to the dance," she said. "Would you oblige me?"

"Sure thing, ma'am," replied Jack, as he dismounted and helped the girl onto his wagon.

As they drove off, Jack asked in a friendly tone, "What's your name?"

"Charlotte," she snapped.

Jack turned back, wondering at this rude remark. Finally he asked, "Where's the dance?"

"The O'Learys'."

Again, she had snapped.

The wind blew in Jack's face. He thought about how thin Charlotte's dress must be. He held up his quilt and tucked in his coat.

"Getting cold," he explained. "This will keep you warm."

She turned it back with an icy cold hand.

"Drive on," she snapped.

Jack sighed. He knew where the O'Learys' lived, but it would be awhile before they got there.

About five miles later, Jack asked, "Uh, want that quilt?"

"Drive on," she repeated, in the same cold tone.

"No reason to be so rude," Jack grumbled under his breath.

In another five miles, the O'Leary's place came into view.

"Almost there, Charlotte."

"Drive on!" she snarled.

Jack pulled into the O'Leary's yard. He turned to look at Charlotte, deciding if he wanted to help her out.

Charlotte didn't move. For the first time, Jack noticed how pale she was. In fact, her lips looked blue. Then he realized she hadn't blinked for about a minute. She didn't say a word.

She was frozen.

Jack jumped out and ran to the O'Learys' house, banging on the door.

"Help me!" he shouted. "For the love of God, help me!"

Mr. O'Leary came out.

"What's the trouble, son?"

"She's dead!" shouted Jack, pointing to the wagon.


Jack looked at the wagon. No one was there. He ran to the wagon, looking to see if maybe her body had fallen over. It hadn't.

"Where could she have gone?"

"Who?" asked Mr. O'Leary.


Mr. O'Leary looked at him.

"Come inside and get warm, son," he said. "You need to hear this."

As Jack warmed his hands at the fire, Mr. O'Leary lit his pipe.

"We used to have dances and parties here about ten years ago," the old man began. "There was one fancy girl who always made sure to attend every party we had. Charlotte. She was all right, but as time went on, she became prouder of how fancy she looked.

"The last dance we had, she had got her prettiest and fanciest and most expensive dress ever. It was a cold winter night, and her mother tried to give her a quilt to keep her warm. She turned it down. Didn't want to be seen in a country quilt. Well, her driver took her, and tried to keep her warm, but she would just tell him to keep going. Finally, he got to the dance..."

"...But she had frozen to death..." murmured Jack.

Mr. O'Leary shook his head.

"Too true."

Jack went out and got back on his wagon. He clicked his tongue and cracked the reins. As he went on, the wind whistled past his ear. All at once, he heard a sharp whisper.

"Drive on!"

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Animated Preview

So, I'm working on an animated music video for Halloween, and, well, here's a preview image that I exported from Adobe Flash.

I'm having fun with it, so... You like?

Thursday, September 25, 2008

A Deciding Factor?

With the economy the way it is and the only way to avoid a new Great Depression is to use a very large sum of taxpayer's money, I noticed that Bush called John McCain and Barack Obama to a summit to discuss the best plans of action.

I think that both candidates should accept Bush's invitation. Frankly, I am not impressed with either of them. A situation like this actually could be a deciding factor in the election. Say one candidate or the other found a workable solution. Wouldn't that prove which one had the best leadership BEFORE the election?

Go for it, guys!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Why ???

... Why do travel videos suck? They either use bad photography, annoying hosts, resort to cheap laughs, or just get plain out boring...

Having some international friends, I went ahead and checked out some travel videos on DVD about their countries.

... Dang... I need to just get a video camera and go take vacations to visit these friends and make my own travel videos.

... Anyone want to fund it? (Haha...)

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Up And Across

Monday, I got a pay raise. I'm now making ALMOST as much I did when I'd been fired last year. Five cents less than it was.

Work's been slow the past couple days, which is good, seeing as we have some new hires to train.

Today, I took a survey about YouTube and my time spent on the internet. I found very little was about YouTube, and quite a bit about me, and, oddly, it asked me questions about a topic that I had indicated that I wasn't really interested in. (Automobiles. I don't own one, and considering my pay, it'll be awhile before I'll get one.)

Y'know... being a single 22-year old in Springfield, Missouri, living alone can feel pretty weird. Yet, except age, I know there's other people in similar situations... Some in even weirder ones...

Friday, September 12, 2008

Thank you, everyone

I'd like to thank everyone who's offered their condolences for my loss of Scot yesterday.

I think I'm all right now, Audrey and Shaun, and even some friends who I've only had online communications with, were all quite comforting. One friend brought it up so many times in a brief IM session, I had to stay "Okay, you can stop now..."

The worst thing was that a pet trusts you to care for it, and well, what happened isn't exactly an action of that.

The worst was coming home today after work and realizing that no one was there. Even though he'd usually greet me with claws, still it was nice to be appreciated.

It'll be awhile before I trust myself with a new pet. First, I might want to get a less-deadly couch. This couch sits firmly on the floor. If it had had legs, Scot would have had more than a fighting chance.

Thank you so much for the words of comfort. I guess even though some live thousands of miles away and hours apart (due to time zones), I have caring friends.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

An Accidental Death

I no longer have a pet.

This morning, I was picking up my couch, then set it back down.

What I didn't see was that my cat (well, actually kitten), Scot had ran under the couch as I was putting it down.

I didn't discover what had happened until hours later, when I looked under the couch and found his body crushed underneath it.
I couldn't believe it...

Right away, I called Audrey, and all I could say at first was "Scot's dead."

Well, I talked to her, and while I was bagging the body, she called Shaun, and Shaun called me, and while I was talking to him, Audrey came over, saw the scene, and gave me a couple hugs and saw me off to the dumpster.

(Yes, he deserves a better resting place, but when you live in an apartment building, what can you do?)

Man... It's one thing to have a pet die, it's another thing to have it die because of something you did.

I was able to get some photos of him on my MySpace last night... Here's the one I liked the best:

Monday, September 8, 2008

The Dumbest Bumper Sticker Ever...

I was walking through a parking lot, when I noticed a bumper sticker on a truck that read:

When Bush Entered Office, Gas Was $1.46




Wow... I am so impressed by how ignorant we are and we want to blame everything that goes wrong on the president, especially the one that's being replaced in a few months.

Now, do I think Bush is blameless? No, our system is way too screwed. Really, our whole government is to blame. But remember, the government is run by people... People like us... People who are apt to stupidity...

But blaming Bush for gas... Stupid. It's because of (risks sounding like a prick Republican) 9/11. Because of that, we had to take a guess who was responsible. Maybe some presumptuous decisions were made, but I seriously can't blame anyone for making them. Our nation was attacked, we had to take action. Even though some bad decisions were made, even though too many people were killed, we had to do the responsible thing.

So, a president had to make a decision and we all pay the consequences. It's happened before, and it's happening now.

So, we pay extra at the gas pump. It could be worse...

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Dream Dork

I had a weird dream last night. It reminded me of an issue of Superman's Pal, Jimmy Olsen. In that issue, Jimmy gets doused with a liquid form of Kryptonite, and gets temporary elastic powers.

In my dream, I got a brief electric shock, no harm done, then I got doused with some weird fluid. I kept thinking I'd get super powers, but all it did was dry out the skin on my hands.

Sure, I may be a dork, but in my dreams, I'm an uber-dork!

Monday, September 1, 2008

This is why I should be writing movies...

Saturday, I was talking to a friend about the Fantastic 4 movies, and wound up coming up with a great idea for the unlikely-to-happen third movie. (Fox, you seriously screwed it up!)

Sue is pregnant. Reed discovers that her mutation because of the cosmic storm back in the first movie will cause complications in childbirth, so he arranges to help deliver the baby.

Johnny: single as ever.

Ben and Alicia: still doing great. They're at a diner, which gets robbed by a strange woman with long, prehensile hair. Ben calls Johnny and they follow the woman, who it seems is a homeless mutant. She identifies herself as Medusa and asks for protection from Gorgon.

Gorgon soon reveals himself and attacks the Fantastic Four and kidnaps Medusa. Ben and Johnny follow, while Reed gets equipment ready for following Gorgon. Alicia stays with Sue.

As the three follow Gorgon, Johnny spies a mysterious young woman who hides from him, until he "flames on." She says Johnny is "one of us," and leads him to a secret room, where he finds Gorgon and Medusa. Gorgon recognizes him, but Medusa explains that she did not need to fear Gorgon, because Gorgon is trying to bring Medusa back to Black Bolt, the true leader of the Inhumans.

The Inhumans are a mutated race of humans, who have special abilities and powers. Maximus the Mad has usurped the throne, and is trying to imprison all the Inhumans so as to kill the human race and give the Inhumans a new home in Earth.

Reed, Johnny, and Ben join the Inhumans to the Great Refuge of Atillan. After fighting Maximus' army and freeing Crystal's dog Lockjaw, they destroy Maximus' Atmo-Gun. Maximus uses his other secret weapon to create a negative barrier around Atillan that seals in the Inhumans AND the three members of the Fantastic Four!

Reed's chest communicator goes off. It's Alicia. Sue is going into labor.

They demand that Maximus tell them how to destroy the barrier. He tells them that Black Bolt knows how. Medusa asks Black Bolt, who communicates silently with Medusa. She translates that Black Bolt can destroy the barrier, but in doing so will destroy Atillan. The Inhumans agree, realizing that the Inhumans and mankind were meant to live together.

The Inhumans and Reed, Ben, and Johnny take cover as Black Bolt speaks, causing sonic waves that destroy the barrier and Atillan.

Crystal has Lockjaw take them to the hospital where Sue is having the baby. They are told it's over.

Reed thinks Sue is dead, but it's not so. Someone came in who knew how to take care of the complications due to the mutation: Victor Von Doom. All Doom asks in return that the baby be named Franklin Richards. (Reed adds "Benjamin" as a middle name, smiling at Ben.)

Doom leaves quietly.

Johnny and Crystal talk. They have fallen in love, but Crystal tells Johnny that she and the Inhumans need to find a new home.

And there we go. A plot for a movie that will probably not get made, all based on comics...

Augh... I have too much time to think these out...

Next week: Spider-Man 4, 5, and 6! (Just kidding...)