Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Most of the actual story

Two years ago, I published a blog titled "A question of what you like" in which, I made public that I identify as homosexual. Since then, I've looked back at that blog many times and realized how little of my coming out experience I actually documented. It even contains one or two things I now wish I hadn't said then, but I've learned a lot in these two years since posting that, so I've elected to let it remain as an example of who I was then.

Not long ago, I was looking at Yahoo Answer's LGBT section and found a question asking when you first realized your sexual orientation/gender identity. In the 2012 blog, the way it was written, I made it sound like it was a recent realization. The truth is, I probably would have identified as gay years ago with better sex education.

My parents never had "the talk" with me. The most I got was assurance was that some woman would find me attractive and that I should follow up on it. Well, I'll be honest... Some women did. At church camp one summer, a girl got an all-out crush on me and went out of her way to say hi. I simply was not interested and probably brushed her off a bit ruder than I should have. On two occasions, women have asked me to marry them. Both times, I let them down. (I was dating neither. One was a coworker who was married with children. The other was a friend I chatted to online.)

"You just haven't met the right girl yet" is the mantra to encourage single guys in this situation. And in my case, it was true: I hadn't met the right girl yet. And I never will. Because she doesn't exist. And the more I think on this, the more I realize I should always have known that I never wanted to fall in love with and marry a girl. The signs have been right there, I just didn't know how to read them.

Thus, I'm presenting most of the times in my past when my same-sex attraction seems obvious. Most, because there are some that I've elected to stay private. I'm typically pretty open about my life, but there are things that I just don't want to share with the world.

I've had a fascination with other guys (particularly their bodies) as far as I can remember. Being the third kid in a big family, if I had a bad dream, sometimes I'd go to my oldest brother and sleep with him. Thinking back on that, I know what I liked was his warm, comforting body near mine.

When I finally heard what homosexuality was, I kind of sneakily looked up gay pornographic images online and found myself liking them. This was when I was 16 or so. I didn't have home internet access, so I had to fleetingly download it to a disc at a library before anyone noticed and I'd look at it at home.

My sister and I moved into an apartment when I was 20, and in a little over a year, she moved out to be with her then-boyfriend, now husband. After she moved out and I had the place to myself, at one point I considered a rent boy. I had heard a coworker use the term "bicurious" and wondered if that was me, because frankly, when I tried to imagine having sex, it always wound up being sex with another man.

Note, over this time, I had people making accusations about my sexuality and some people asking and wondering. I didn't date or go out with anyone. At all. I once worked with the church youth group and even taught that homosexuality was wrong, but I found myself saying that homosexuals weren't necessarily evil people. The woman who was teaching with me agreed. (Surprise, her husband came out a couple years ago.)

At age 25, I met a long-time pen pal in person on vacation and we shared rooms in hotels for a few days. I couldn't help but think that he was very attractive. I found my interest in men becoming more dominant as I got closer to 26. 25 is the age where your mind is finally able to understand love, and on April 1, 2012, I accidentally made close contact with another gay guy's butt and knew that beyond any shadow of a doubt, I was gay. I came out of the closet to friends and family a week later.

I often wonder what may have happened if I'd had a better sex education, the actual "birds and the bees" talk. Would I have come out sooner? But then, considering that from third grade on, I was homeschooled and then put in a Christian school for one year, I likely wouldn't have heard an LGBT positive view.

No comments: